I loved my husband with everything I had. I still love him.
But, here's the thing. I don't want him to be happy. I just don't. If I learn, like Bea, in 10 years that he is still suffering and trying to find his way...I'm fairly sure I will still feel some satisfaction.
I know it's not the self-actualized "thing" and I "need" to let go and forgive and plant flowers for my dead, zombie-like husband...but, that competitive part of me that has allowed people to walk all over me...well, that person really wants him to rot in he!! for what he's done.
And, for MY journey...this feels like the healthiest thing in the world. I'm finally done making excuses for him and analyzing his psyche.
I'm angry with how I've been treated...pretty much like a junkyard dog. And, I'm angry with how my children have been treated.
Something...NO. EVERYTHING inside me says that this anger deserves it's moment in the sun.
The place I'm at now???
I'm looking at my life and wondering Who would I be if the sucky people hadn't infected me with their ick?
WHO would I be? WHO DOES GOD SEE? Because I don't think God sees the person after the ick. I think HE still the sees the person HE created. WHO is THAT person? HOW can I find her and bring her to the surface despite these dumb-fuc.s who tarnished this beautiful thing God made. ME :-)
I know it sounds harsh and not Christian and self-actualized.
But, honestly, I feel a calling to use this anger. I can't imagine an Olympic athlete looks at his/her competition with pity and forgiveness. That athlete is competing.
The people on this board have been dealt some tragic cards. I'm looking around at the people I work with and deal with daily. I know other people are mistreated in marriages...I know marriages end.
But, the stuff that happens on these boards is above and beyond. I've NEVER met another person who had a husband get another woman pregnant after being married for nearly 20 years. I know it happens, but it's rare.
We are rare. We are in rare situations. WE have been given rare opportunities here. WE are serious survivors.
I'm not sure what my point was. It's just been brewing in me all week.
I'm sick of being fair and nice and forgiving.
Honestly, I think part of surviving all this ick is recreating yourself in such a way that your life is so much better than it was...there's not comparison. And, I can't see how I can get there by being wishing Smokey all the happiness.
I want him to regret his decisions like nothing else. He left ME. What an idiot. I want him to ache with pain because of the pain he caused. And, I want to continue to feel this way until he dies. Meanwhile, I want to be happy and not think about him. Ever again.
Childish? Yep.
Is this wrong?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Dang it, Ellie! You are right! I have exerted some serious self control.
(Well.... except that ONE time.... the only time I have seen hww in person... I never told EXACTLY what happened. BUT- I still maintained self control- when you look at the big picture. As far as what happened.....
bea- thank you! Writing is the best way for me to process my feelings and thoughts. I don't put much thought into it- I just let it loose. Which is why my posts end up being lengthy a lot of the times. My fingers go like 100 MPH. I don't really proof or check back, so I know sometimes it is like a jumbled mess. That's a good look in to my brain! Jumbled!
Today was ok. Had a good morning. Feeling strong. Xh ended up p/u d14 yesterday and taking her for about an hour. They went to T Hortons and the store. He stopped at bil for about a half hour after he dropped her off. Its now weird seeing his truck there, but i guess he is just picking up some things here and there. (No one was home)
This afternoon d14 and I went shopping. A little retail therapy... (we had to get some stuff for our trip). But, going to the mall stresses me out! It is right across the street from where xh and hww work. I know they aren't there, but they are big-time shoppers. That's like her life. So, for some reason, that's all I can think about while I am in the mall. It is like torture! I know it sounds so lame- I mean, she doesn't OWN shopping! But it bothers the heck out of me. And seeing young girls there bothers the heck out of me. It is just so hard imagining xh with someone that age. That, too.... torture.
Personally, I have never been a big shopper. But, I don't mind going with d14 usually. But, I get all sick feeling now. Especially being in that area. Where I know their r started. Going out to lunch and stuff. It is like retail mania all surrounding their work. And that is what they have in common. Not to mention the huge Babies R Us right there.
I'm going to be honest- the baby thing- that is going to be the most difficult thing for me. I am avoiding it as if I were xh dealing with the truth- I'm not.
After I was told that we would not be able to have another baby, I was really sad. I was so grateful that I was blessed with two healthy, amazing kids. I changed my mindset and decided to focus myself on the great family I already had. Yet, I really wasn't able to look at babies anymore. Not that I would get upset- I didn't allow myself to go there. I just avoided. Completely.
And now.
It's a whole new level.
One I didn't know even existed. Totally PTSD.
I can't look at it on tv. It may be my favorite show, and I can't even watch the episode if there is a baby on.
There is a new girl at work, she is pregnant. She probably thinks I am the biggest b, because I just can't even look at her.
When people talk about babies or anything- I freak out inside. Pictures, movies, anything.... I. freak. out. inside.
Today, d14 was in the changing room trying on bathing suits. I was waiting outside and realized, I was surrounded by maternity clothes. UGH!
Strollers. Everywhere.
Babies crying. Everywhere.
Little girls with their daddy. Everywhere.
Even seeing little boys- freaks me out. Xh is spending his life now with a little boy who isn't his. While his kids don't have a father around anymore.
Freaks. Me. Out.
There. It's out. My biggest obstacle. Mt. Everest.
I hate that feeling. Like going places is now tainted bc of them. I can't even take my d shopping w/o feeling terrorized. Even without the baby thing. That just adds to it.
I don't know. I just wish they lived so far away. It makes it worse knowing that they are all over these places and that I could run into them. Just the thought alone.... fight or flight... it's a coin toss. It's a really weird feeling to acknowledge the fact that I have no idea- at all- how I would respond to a certain situation. And the thing is, sometimes I could see myself acting one way, other times a different way, and most of the time- I have no idea.
So, other than that, I am doing great. But these things take a bit of a toll. D14 asked why I kept taking deep breaths. I don't even realize. It's just the weight of being there.
You will reach a point where the "reminders" won't bug you as much and it will be easier to push the thoughts aside.
Because Matt and I had a lifetime of memories where we lived...we knew each other since kids...it was difficult for me to start fresh in the midst of so many memories. For me, I needed to break away and I could tell the kids needs a fresh start too.
Still, lots of people on these boards have gone on to find happiness without leaving the home they shared with their former spouse.
Whatever you decide, I know you will be fine. I'm so glad you are heading south for a bit. I think it will do you and the kids a world of good to revisit happiness and life without Jerry Springer.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
yeah, I don't want him unhappy bc he isn't w me. It's how everything went down. If he had to do this to us to be happy... uh... skrew dat! Some respect and decency would have gone a long way.
It goes against every fiber of my being to not love and cherish xh. Yes- even after this. It is not normal for me to want him to be well. But- like this? To be with her? After what they both knowingly did to my family. No. I won't ever be "happy" for them to be "happy." Never. I don't wish him ill... but I will NEVER bless that union.
Now, I see them as dinky. For the most part, when I think of them, my thoughts are fleeting (outside of trigger things as explained today). But, on a daily basis when they come to mind, I see them as small, meaningless, little things.
With that said- I need to get through these trigger places so I can see them like that in all aspects of my life. TAKE MY POWER BACK!
It's like I spent my life believing I didn't know what I was talking about...I didn't trust myself...so, I believed what the people around me told me...what they told me about ME, about my choices, about who I AM, what I should do, how I should do it, etc...
Now, I'm seeing the world isn't flat after all. It's round. And, I've spent a lifetime building a life/dreams based upon this idea that the world is flat.
NOW, I find that I have to recreate this entire foundation of my beliefs. The core of what I thought has proven to be untrue and I've been living my life on some false beliefs. Not only do I have to reboot, but I have to switch my hard drive to a better program that works for me.
And, I guess I'm angry that I lost so much time being loyally devoted to people who threw me out with the garbage.
Kinda like, part of me is going, "So, wait. I wasn't a piece of shid? And, you still treated me like I was? And, then, told me I deserved it? I had value after all."
Sorry for the hi-jack. That helps.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, Heather... I wan't disagreeing with you. Sorry I wasn't clear. I actually agree and understand with you. And I think you are right- the anger is what helps you get through. It is what helped me. I know I have a lot more to work through... and I hope I get some of the anger again if that's what I need to get through it.
I guess what I meant is that I can't believe that I would get to this point of my feelings for xh. Bc I cherished him- he was my family- so important. But for him to be happy for him to do this to HIS family- I just dont know how HE could find happiness that way, and it seems impossible for me to wish him well like this. I just can't.
I totally get what you are saying. I hope the anger and frustration moves you to the place you need to be. I know for me, it helped take me out of the situation and see what I am dealing with. Put things in perspective and stand up for ME! That I don't deserve that. I deserve respect. To be treated with decency. With a morsel of compassion. Like I have been part of his life- for 20 years!
I don't think we have to like what has happened to us. What I do now know is that there is a payout (as my xh has admitted - in fact he said I was 'frighteningly right' in my predictions about him and first OW!!
What did he expect?
As for the third baby. I am sorry about that. However, I have reached a point in life where not having to shop for either diapers or cat litter strikes me as a blessing.
I try (not always successfully) to look at what I do not have as apositively as possible. Even being poorer than I used to be has been interesting. You meet great people when bargain hunting. Dire poverty and childlessness are not fun, but less money or not as many children as we would like, well that is a matter of adjusting our thinking.
Your xh and ow will not be happy long term, I can almost guarantee that. He is in crisis (not fun anyway - read the posts of those living with MLCers) and she is self centred, lazy and immmature, from what you have posted. Not exactly a recipe for domestic blsss. Add in a small child . . . . .
Good relationsihps do far more than satisfy a person's immmediate needs. It takes wisdom and maturity to see this.
Whenever you do have to see your xh try and look as if life has given you a great gift. He will then go back to a difficult and grumpy woman and wonder . . . . . .
I just dont know how HE could find happiness that way, and it seems impossible for me to wish him well like this. I just can't.
It's possible he can't either, Mighty. And it's ok if you can't. Apathy will be perfectly acceptable later as well.
Something to think about. There's a big difference between wishing somebody to be punished (to see they were wrong?) and understanding what they did to you was wrong. You know it was wrong, but should you be the one to punish him? Do you want to stick around and see that? Seems like a lot of energy for almost no payoff.
The thing is, he hurt you. There's pain associated with that. But do you have to return that? Is that who you are? Somebody who needs to balance the books? I haven't seen that in you so far. I see somebody who was hurt deeply and wasn't given a choice. Somebody who was vilified and then hurt again by somebody she trusted.
I don't see somebody who would be happy and joyful in her own life if she balanced the books with him. I'm not saying you should let him continue to hurt you nor am I saying to just forget it. I am suggesting to accept the difference between what he did and how his life will play out. I don't think you want to be around for the remainder of the show. It'll get in the way of your own pursuit of joy (happiness is a dog's emotion; joy is something else altogether in my opinion. A happy person can't be happy when things are difficult. A joyful person can experience much more of life and remain joyful.)
What I took from Bea's post? Let him pursue his life in the way he chooses. What happens happens. I can't see how it's a good thing either, but I don't see through his eyes and I don't have to live that life. I have joy to seek...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
