Originally Posted By: Vanilla from Zelda thread today
There really is no difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse. It is a question of where in the cycle we sit. My H has as yet not hit me physically yet but verbally, intimidation, belittling etc, certainly. That causes more damage than physical stuff. There is a book that you might like to consider the Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. The important thing Z is to be free and to indentify the situations and new men you introduce into your life so you now have a life that excludes this. So you can have the loving family that you describe for yourself.
I know that I am not frightened of H physical violence at this point, and it is possible I might never be so. When I doubt myself I replay my MP3 of the rants etc.
Z you created your own list above, revisit it, ask if any of the items on it need to be removed or if any of them are in your mind not abuse. I would ask you if 15 incidents were insufficient then how many would it take, the classic 50 or as in my case a couple of hundred?
I would say to another to be subjected to this once is enough. It has to be stopped at one incident, if it is early in a R then get out.
The TED talk is about a woman at the very end of the abuse spiral, close to serious violent damage.
I have come to understand that too often those of us with well developed positive characters try to analyse the motivators or reasons behind another's behaviour, in essence we give them the 'benefit of the doubt' and assume there are many excuses and that if others become 'aware' then change will arise. My H does what he does because he likes it, it rewards him otherwise he would not do it. H likes to rant, to throw thinks, to intimidate me, it rewards him, releases his aggression. That is control.
The only reason H is not controlling all my life and activities is because I have resisted it. Otherwise this H wants a 'we' relationship. Has H isolated me, yes, it has started but my family and friends mean too much to me.
Further more he is not opening the door for change because he does not want to change. The next time H is in a position to interact in these controlling ways, he will because he has chosen too. These are forces he chooses to allow to take him over. It fulfils his purpose. He is full cognisant, not in denial about it, he knows what he is doing. I got a text saying ' I know I have issues, Sorry I have not dealt with them' . If he had wanted to deal with them he would have. He doesn't, so he hasn't.
V
It is peaceful and quiet, I went to the office this morning and sorted the mail. H was at golf so I also collected more clothes from the big house and cleared my mail there.
I have no desire to see this man my H again. It feels like he is a complete stranger to me and someone that I would prefer to stay away from. A couple of books have arrived for me to read, so I can do so. My kit for the Freedom Course has also arrived so I have some personal work to do.
It is time for me to move on and rebuild.
I posted my thoughts on Zs thread to day and they are quoted above. H as yet has shown no signs of wanting change in his life.
We shall see, still early days, no denial by me any more, and no anger, I guess I am beginning to adapt.
Pink I was thinking about your mum today too and her struggles.
Gan I am very envious of your cheese exploits, must do a fondue soon.
Toots thanks for checking in, the UK mob are quiet tonight. Dawn thank you for you caring support. I will catch up Susan on your thread.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/21/1510:51 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla - I'm silent but not because i don't follow your sitch. It's just so far off my life experience and what I can understand that I barely have to tools to understand what it means let alone to contribute anything. I find you courageous for taking decisive steps to protect yourself. I admire that your heart seems to be on the heels of your steps. Keep walking.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sounds like things have moved on a bit with you while I've been away working on me.
Bft and I send positive vibes your way. I hope you are feeling as positive inside and in your heart as your posts indicate. You've been and continue to be a very positive influence on here and to me specifically.
Hold in there my friend
(((((Vanilla)))))
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Just checking in to see how you are doing. In typical V fashion, seems like you are pressing forward and being content with V (reading lots too.) just sending some thoughts your way as you are such a positive person for all of us. While my sitch is different than yours, I feel the same way....looking for signs that W wants to change her life.
Keep GAL (you're a master) and positive thoughts.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
H Vanillia. Sounding really positive. No contact at all from H ? Hopefully he's passed the anger stage and poor me stage and starting to address his issues.
Vanilla - I'm silent but not because i don't follow your sitch. It's just so far off my life experience and what I can understand that I barely have to tools to understand what it means let alone to contribute anything. I find you courageous for taking decisive steps to protect yourself. I admire that your heart seems to be on the heels of your steps. Keep walking.
Thank you Mza, all I really want those who read my sitch is to spot the signs of abuse and call on it. If a friend is in difficulties just to say, " an Internet friend of mine V was verbally abused, some of these things you say seem similar: are you ok?"
That is more than enough for me to know that you can do this if it is appropriate.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Edz love to BFT and of course Edz and S (plus W). I discovered my now box is a Roku and will accept an output from my iPad so I can project my TED talks to mt now (roku) box and queue them. Providing I use Utube.
MCS, this is a lot ng long journey, the best thing I can do, the most loving thing is to leave H alone for his sake (as much as mine). I am trying to see positives in all this. I am praying for that. But it is a very long process.
My image of Gg bottom up is making me smile like crazy especially if she is in the red kick ass shoes. Gg I have a bottle of shampoo from last week left to drink today, so likely that it is the best bottoms up for me today. Cheers. I understand ODs surprise...........
I am spending the morning looking at resilience and trauma. I understand that this has been a trauma and I need to recover and take action. I have worked my freedom program and I think I have to ask what can I take from this for my own good, Hs and my M.
I am in the Labyrinth and when I come out then I will be in a different place. I shall be exercising again from tomorrow again. No, not a cheese less tunnel, because like Toots (Iamthecheese Toots) I am the cheese. Today I am mozzarella with salad (rocket, pine nuts, and basil).
Someone gave me the torch of DB, someone else handed me the torch bulb of Ted talks, and from my other resources I received the battery. I need these to navigate my labyrinth.
I have to provide the food, the cheese which is inside me somewhere, a tiny sliver tucked in a small corner of my backpack covered with my personal issues. My backpack is a little like garbage pail, and the cheese is wrapped but at the bottom.
Garbage can become manure to fertilise the new growing ideas that have entered by world.
GAL point scores resume next week.
As Cadet says I have the gift of time. I really think this is one of the keys to recovery.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/22/1512:54 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
