Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Cadet]

Not the first time I have heard of them leaving all their stuff behind.
It gives them an excuse to contact you again in the future.

[Zelda09]

Look, I am struggling with so many things. My H is a good man or I wouldn't have married him. There were plenty of times in the last two months he tried really hard to be there for me. I am experiencing a lot of heart break at the moment over the what-could-have-been and happy memories.

I know what I did is right. I know that there was an opportunity today, once maybe more. He got the mail, and I asked him when he was leaving, but he was frantically trying to open up an amazon package. I repeated in three times and he wouldn't answer and then handed me the book he'd picked up for me and asked, do you remember you wanted this?

I know that I could have told him, Yes, H, I DO want you here, but you need to blah blah blah...

My family says I haven't seen the last of him. I don't know. Other than when we were dating, he never made moves toward me, I always was Ms. Fix it. I might consider things if he finds the strength to bend over backwards and fix it this time. I don't know.

It still irks me that he tells me he called my cousin and apologized to her for breaking the bowl he made, but hasn't apologized to me for any of this. He did tell me he would pay for the cost of my phone that he broke. But that's not an apology. Wiping his eyes as we walked around talking about how to divide up the house wasn't remorse; it was sadness over the current situation or perhaps self-pity, but not regret for his actions. I did feel sorry for him, but I am happier I am standing my ground on this.

It hurts though, god it hurts.

[Zelda09]

And so. Enough of the crazy-making. I have made myself a list to refer to whenever I think I want to cry over this amazing person that used to be my husband, any of his kindness or attributes I love, and any of the memories I am grieving and the dreams that I am giving up.

I took my wedding rings off. They no longer have any power or meaning for me. It is a sadness, but not my failure or fault.

I am breathing deep yoga breaths. In for strength and self-appreciation, humor -- out for relief, hope and joy for future, letting anxiety go. The general tenseness in my body is leaving.

My list I will refer to when I am weak:

1. Pushed off the dock out of jealousy six months in
2. Blocked phone calls for a week, pretending everything was fine.
3. Denying I was financially supporting him
4. Making me feel ridiculous for having any expectations of him in this relationship
5. Increasing feelings of walking on eggshells with my words
6. Ever-present consequence and fear of upsetting him - whether punishment was temper, attack on my character...couldn't be honest with concerns or opinions
7. Intimidation acts
8. Manipulation of EVERYONE (even when he recognized it and said he didn't want to be that person - whatever)
9. "Inability" - ef it. His "inability to drive" has suddenly gone away, and he's driving himself all over now that we broke up.
10. Flipping me off
11. Psychological/emotional bullying
12. "You will need to f. other men if you want to have children" - said minutes before a week long family reunion my mother hosted.
13. "I want to date other people" as he was trying to get back into my pants, after I picked him up from the airport.
14. Triangulation games with his ex and her 'special friendship'
15. 5 days after blow up - no remorse.
16. Gaslighting
17. passive master that expected me to read his mind
18. How and why I had to explain basic elements of respect to him through the years? What was appropriate boundaries with people?
19. Attitude of victim with everything
20. What he 'needed' was people that cared about him, another relationship to bring the stability to his life.
21. Witholding affection from me, silent treatment as punishment
22. Backwards priorities- all about his pleasure, no stresses allowed
23. Low empathy for me. I had to beg for him to listen to me and try to care sometimes
24. No real intention of working or providing
25. Problem with being the 'bad' guy or being assertive enough to say what he wants - constant image maintenance

He has good qualities and I will not focus on them now and torture myself imagining what more I could have done, today or any other day. If he wants my love, to be my partner, he can fight to get it back, directly and fairly. That is what a man I'd respect would do.

I am worth:

Peace
Being able to share my thoughts and concerns without fear
Constant love and consideration
Effort - even when it's not easy

[Vanilla]

Zelda

Easy this all takes time. H has lost control and he will be suffering. The abuse is blown wide open, you are free to talk about it with whomever you please, whenever you please. Silence on abuse is tough on you.

There are a couple of Ted Talks which are inspirational including this one:
TEDEx why domestic violence partners don't leave

Now, Z, open the floodgates on THIS incident, you have the proof, a flat mate who was in attendance. This thread can be your journal.

When you are ready flesh out your incident log, dates, times, and be as specific as you can. It will help you to read it. Any documents, calls texts and recordings, photos. broken pottery etc. The courts can adjust fins for this. For example dates H stopped work, cash input to the M. Examples gaslighting eg keys. Dates calls were blocked. Try an online diary app. Examples of intimidation etc.

For the time being be kind as you can to Z, you need sleep, rest, exercise, good food and company. You could also look at Patricia Evans books in due course, they are reasonable on recovery strategies for you.

Please keep posting, this is very hard reality to face. (((((((Hugs)))))))

V

[Zelda09]

The D we agreed to today was so simple - he takes his material possessions. That's it. It's perfect. I hope it continues going this easy.

[Wonka]

The D we agreed to today was so simple - he takes his material possessions. That's it. It's perfect. I hope it continues going this easy.

Z, get things signed, i's dotted, and t's crossed NOW while he is in an agreeable state of mind (and probably feeling just tad bit guilty).

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Wonka.

[Vanilla]

The D we agreed to today was so simple - he takes his material possessions. That's it. It's perfect. I hope it continues going this easy.

Z, get things signed, i's dotted, and t's crossed NOW while he is in an agreeable state of mind (and probably feeling just tad bit guilty).

Agreed, you can do this as a straight forward Fins letter signed by both and signature witnessed by a third unconnected party. Can still be set aside by the court if they feel it is unfair, which is where your abuse log comes in. Judges can and do adjust if there is abuse. Especially Financial Abuse such as giving up work etc....

After that the pace of the D is irrelevant.

V

[Zelda09]

I have a question for you all -

If these acts of intimidation/temper tantrums occurred less than 15 times in our six year history - and there were no attempts at isolating me, controlling my life and activities- can we really say this is a domestic violence issue? I never felt scared of him, even in the last several days. I knew he would not start anything. I just watched V's video. He was all too happy to leave and be done here. It seems that is very opposite of a typical abuser.

My best friend said that he felt that my H no longer had romantic love for me and just didn't care anymore deep down. That he was trying to fake it all and there was a very big divide in the man H wants to be and is in actuality. That he couldn't stand to be the bad guy. I had to end it.

[Vanilla]

Z

There really is no difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse. It is a question of where in the cycle we sit. My H has as yet not hit me physically yet but verbally, intimidation, belittling etc, certainly. That causes more damage than physical stuff. There is a book that you might like to consider the Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. The important thing Z is to be free and to indentify the situations and new men you introduce into your life so you now have a life that excludes this. So you can have the loving family that you describe for yourself.

I know that I am not frightened of H physical violence at this point, and it is possible I might never be so. When I doubt myself I replay my MP3 of the rants etc.

Z you created your own list above, revisit it, ask if any of the items on it need to be removed or if any of them are in your mind not abuse. I would ask you if 15 incidents were insufficient then how many would it take, the classic 50 or as in my case a couple of hundred?

I would say to another to be subjected to this once is enough. It has to be stopped at one incident, if it is early in a R then get out.

The TED talk is about a woman at the very end of the abuse spiral, close to serious violent damage.

I have come to understand that too often those of us with well developed positive characters try to analyse the motivators or reasons behind another's behaviour, in essence we give them the 'benefit of the doubt' and assume there are many excuses and that if others become 'aware' then change will arise. My H does what he does because he likes it, it rewards him otherwise he would not do it. H likes to rant, to throw thinks, to intimidate me, it rewards him, releases his aggression. That is control.

The only reason H is not controlling all my life and activities is because I have resisted it. Otherwise this H wants a 'we' relationship. Has H isolated me, yes, it has started but my family and friends mean too much to me.

Further more he is not opening the door for change because he does not want to change. The next time H is in a position to interact in these controlling ways, he will because he has chosen too. These are forces he chooses to allow to take him over. It fulfils his purpose. He is full cognisant, not in denial about it, he knows what he is doing. I got a text saying ' I know I have issues, Sorry I have not dealt with them' . If he had wanted to deal with them he would have. He doesn't, so he hasn't.

V