Susana (9) - I'm tired

[T384]

I just wanted to say I can relate to having an H that feels nothing he ever did was good enough for me.

One of his biggest complaints during BD (when we did talk). Looking back I didn't praise enough. I'm not sure where you are in your sitch but some advice I was given to specifically use the word 'I appreciate ..'

[susana4]

Starsky,

I can see where you're coming from.

To me, I think Susana's H is struggling with the transitions of a 'normal' marriage given that he's 28 years old.

I remember having a little wobble (way before my MLC) after Ms. Wonka and I moved in not realizing that it was a natural progression of a long-term marriage/partnership. I worked through it and recognized that we were experiencing a transition from being grad students to card-carrying working taxpayers (read, "I'm finally a real grown up!").

In this regard, I think that Susana needs to be her H's wingman and show him the way.

Yah...Susana is in the room while we talk around her while she lies prostate on the operating table.

Fwiw, I could be completely wrong here because I'm not in H's head...but I think Wonka's on the money. I think he is going through a panic because he realised "omg I am a real grown up now" - this is just based on some of what he said post BD, and how he has been talking for a few months about how he "can't believe he's an adult", he's so scared to turn 30 etc.

This is in line with what my BD coach thought, along with a possible fear of abandonment and not being good enough which may have led him to jump ship before he could be abandoned.

Wonka, just curious here, how long was it after you and Ms Wonka moved in? And what got you through it?

[susana4]

I just wanted to say I can relate to having an H that feels nothing he ever did was good enough for me.

One of his biggest complaints during BD (when we did talk). Looking back I didn't praise enough. I'm not sure where you are in your sitch but some advice I was given to specifically use the word 'I appreciate ..'

Thanks T0 for stopping by and for the advice! I read through your sitch recently because someone (I can't remember who - my mind is totally blanking on everything today!) mentioned seeing some similarities.

That's good advice. I've been trying to thank and praise H more on advice of my coach. I haven't intentionally used those words specifically so that's good to know, I will try to incorporate 'I appreciate..'.

[T384]

But did you recently as H to return to the room and he didn't? And you're 100% sure there is no OW?

You just have to be careful where you are in your sitch. I am a big believer in backing off and letting them see life without you so I don't want to give you the wrong advice. You have some great posters here and I'm sure you're being led in the right direction.

There is a fine line between being appreciative and smothering. I didn't pursue H beyond saying I appreciate you making my car payment. He would say no problem and I wouldn't iniate a response beyond that. So long story short you can be appreciative without pursuing , hey I appreciate that.. Continue about what you're doing

[susana4]

Hi T0, yes I did ask him to return to the bed the other day and he said he "shouldn't". I am 99.99% certain there is no OW. I have looked as much as I can...I don't have access to his phone bill or phone (they belong to work) and he's in IT so his computer is pretty well locked down but he left it open accidentally one day so I had a look. He also has all his texts on his computer so I managed to look at texts too. He's not secretive with his phone and leaves it out all the time, I just don't have the password (we never have shared phone passwords) but I look over his shoulder sometimes.

Thanks. I was thinking of saying "I appreciate" in terms of household stuff, which I've been saying thank you for lately, like:
-taking out the trash
-doing my laundry
-cleaning the kitchen
-paying electric bill

Never really thanked him for these before. Does that seem ok?

[Vanilla]

Vanilla who is this Liam bloke???

Neesen of course but he might be taken or perhaps he is running

Maybe I do prefer cheese after all, there is more choice and when that goes runny or blue and veiny it tastes good!

With biscuits........

Or maybe I should just enjoy a good Wensleydale with chutney instead?

V

[Wonka]

Susana,

Wonka, just curious here, how long was it after you and Ms Wonka moved in? And what got you through it?

Please allow me to give you a bit background so you'll understand the backstory clearly.

I am a child of divorce. My father and stepmother divorced when I was aged 11 and it had a very traumatic effect on me. For a long time, I was commitment-phobic. In my teen years and throughout college, I had several one-night stands, dated, and longest "relationship" was a not healthy one for 2 years during college. That gal was deeply disturbed and did really scary stuff.

Ms. Wonka and I knew each other very, very casually during college. It was not until we entered grad school that we got to know each other better and I asked her out (I was a nervous wreck!). From the very onset, I knew she was special and "The One" for me. We started dating in the late Fall.

Ms. Wonka broached the subject of moving in together one bright Spring day in the following year. I nearly choked upon hearing her words. Ms. Wonka was very sweet and patient with me by walking through my own fears...incredibly gentle and neutral. We moved in together that Summer.

I was 27 and Ms. Wonka was 24.

Does that answer your question?

[susana4]

Thanks for sharing Wonka. I'm sorry about your parents divorce, that must have been hard.

If you don't mind answering more questions (feel free to ignore me if you do), what do you think brought about the "wobble" you mentioned you had after you and Ms W moved in together and how did you steady yourself again?

[susana4]

I'm off to romania tomorrow!! So excited

H and I had a tender moment tonight...came at the expensive of my feet though!

There was a slippery spot on the living room floor and I had a bambi moment...my legs went out from under me completely, my foot crashed into the wall, I stubbed ALL my toes and I landed with a huge crash on my bum.

As I sat there blinking in shock and pain, H rushed over, kneeled behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He sat there with me, holding me and stroking my hair, for a good three or four minutes until I felt better and then he helped me to the sofa and held me a minute longer.

It was quite sweet. I think it's not a bad last moment to leave on for my trip (well, apart from my poor toes, that is).

He has also opened up about his feelings to me every day since Monday (Vanilla, the speakers are connected and just like you said now they are on they just keep playing!).

But mainly today I am happy because I'm excited for my trip. I have booked a place to stay for a few nights but after that I don't know where I'll be...will just wing it as I go and I am excited for the adventure

[Wonka]

Susana,

Awww...Bambi and Thumper together. Hope your bum is recovered by now..

If you don't mind answering more questions (feel free to ignore me if you do), what do you think brought about the "wobble" you mentioned you had after you and Ms W moved in together and how did you steady yourself again?

I came to terms with my parents' D after having several talks with my late father about it and I have pretty much come to a full circle. And completely out of my MLC! Thank goodness.

In looking back, the wobbles came during our first year living together. Period of adjustment...ya know. How did I steady myself? That's a good question. I'd like to think that Ms. Wonka had a big hand in it too for she is an incredibly even-keeled person who fought fair...no ugly or drawn-out fights. Somehow we managed to pull through the first-year wobbles.


Bon Voyage!!