Devotion To A Dream 3

[phunguy]

Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe it's a LBS thing, IDK. You've joined the ranks of those who feel the inner pressure to "do" something..........anything.........just do!

I have to wonder if it is part of the desperation mode the LBH feels and subconsciously he's still trying to pull the rabbit out of bag. "Well, that last trick didn't work, so let me try another one".

Do yourself a big favor and take time to think it through. Yes, I was saying to do what you really want, and not for any other reason. We know the bottom line is you want to have a good M with your W. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't want that option above any others. Don't let anyone, including yourself, push you into taking a direction you aren't ready to take. By all means, do not head straight for D b/c that's "what she wants".

Well we've already established I'm a bit slow to up-take, lol! So thanks for being patient, I did get here, on my own albeit eventually!!

Part of my problem or the biggest part, is me! I feel exactly like this, I must do something! I must do something now! I'm uncomfortable and don't know the outcome, don't see the progress I want, I'm impatient, and it makes me seek to change and to control that unknown or make a plan to conquer it. Sometimes I get angry with her and think, the hell with it why keep hurting? Why keep trying? I don't have a timeline or a plan to a desired resolution so it makes me think, do something! It's just how I'm wired I suppose. And yes, it may play into desperation, but I can only imagine how desperate I will be when the clock begins ticking after any legal paperwork is filed.

I do not want divorce or separation, I want to be married to my wife in a good and loving relationship. Why should I be so speedy to give her what she thinks she sees as the remedy to all of this? When I do not agree, I certainly never gave in on even trivial things in our relationship before! Why should I allow it? Guilt, is all I got. I feel guilty because of some of the things she has said. I'm an evil, bad guy, who has cause her pain and suffering, and I should give her what she wants? Of course everyone I know thinks I'm nuts that I've not already filed since I discovered the affair. Even my therapist has told me, this is not a likely outcome, that I should file and move on to begin healing. My mother told me last night that I'm mourning the death of my M and I have to grieve the loss. I was like thanks Mom for the support! geesh!

Now all that said, I don't want to sit around pining for her return! I'm not doing that in the slightest, I'm getting out, taking care of myself, doing all the things I need to do to get myself better. Maybe just maybe in some more time, I can be the man that she is attracted to again? Maybe she will change her mind as she has a ga-jillion times in our M(real number look it up!) .

Signed,
Perplexed Phunguy

[sandi2]

In guess I haven't already told you, guilt is the number one tool WW's use to manipulate the LBH.

[phunguy]

Well tonight was about an hour of W initiated D conversation. She has informed me that she would like me to have an attorney draw up the paper work for us to file D together so that we could save the money of an expensive divorce and that she wants to do this amicably.

She also for some reason decided to tell me that she has been communicating with OM via text for the last week or so, she said she will not do it in front of me. I told her that to stay here she needed to end it. She said she does not intend to and wants to see where it goes. She is infatuated with OM who is married and from what she tells me is getting D from his wife. She informed me that she has a plan to move out on May 1 and she'd like to figure out how financially she can accomplish this. I told her she could do whatever she wanted that I will not help her in any way and that until the papers are filed she will be responsible for half of the expenses in the house.

Part of the D discussion the other night mainly revolved around kids and schedule etc. I requested that she give me full decision making, she has not fully decided to give me sole decision making for the children(in our state this is essentially full legal custody), out of fears that I will not take her needs into consideration but she knows that I will always put the kids first and take care of them. I explained to her that this is part of the deal I offer for her to walk away from our debt obligations. Otherwise we can lawyer up and go to battle. Which she knows will eat up any money we have.

Good lord I cannot take this!

[sandi2]

I requested that she give me full decision making, she has not fully decided to give me sole decision making for the children(in our state this is essentially full legal custody), out of fears that I will not take her needs into consideration but she knows that I will always put the kids first and take care of them.

Is this b/c you are afraid she'll leave the state with the kids?

[phunguy]

[quote]

Is this b/c you are afraid she'll leave the state with the kids?

Not really but it's part of it, the other part is she is routinely unavailable for the children. For instance in this current school and soccer year I can count by on one hand the times she has been at practice or assisted our son with homework.

This is seperate from parenting time. She would still have 50% parenting time.

[phunguy]

I really don't know what else I can do at this point. I'm feeling a bit defeated as a result. ot seems that D is eminent and there isn't a dang thing I can do except accept it. It's time to get an attorney I suppose that as time goes on this idea of DIY will wear off on her unless I decide to jump in and rush it with her. I do nt like where I'm at today. Thank god I have some GAL activity tonight I couldn't imagine being in the house with her tonight.

[Joe46]

phunguy, I can relate to W not doing alot with the kids. I come home alot of times with homework needing to be done or something else with the kids. She hasn't shut them out completely, just different than it used to be. She does buy them stuff alot though. Not the same thing to me. It almost seems like she goes through ups and downs with it. Now her S from first marriage is staying with us. That is who she bonds with the most. It is weird!!

[phunguy]

Well the fun should start today. Since she decided to open a personal bank account last weekend, as of today she is cut off from my cash. She texted me this morning to call her, I presume she went to get gas and cigs or something before work or checked the bank to take out money for her night out tonight. I have not returned call yet and texted her back telling her I'm in a meeting. Not sure I even I want to talk to her. Because I already know what she is going to say... So I've prepared my response. Sorry honey, your cake is no longer delivered by me. No that's not it... but close.

"Well, you opened your own account on Saturday and changed your direct deposit. So it seemed like a good idea to me and I did the same. "

This ought to be one hell of a day. She claims to be going to dinner tonight with friend T. This AM getting ready for work, I told her to have a nice time on her date tonight. She claimed she was not seeing OM, I laughed and left for work.

[phunguy]

Oh my!!! just talked to her and she is pissed! I explained to her that since she wanted separate bank accounts I went ahead and did the same. She said well I need money for some things and you spent my money last week, I explained to her that I did not that I paid joint bills, she said yeah your bills, with my money, I told her that was not true and she knows it. I told her that we were supposed to discuss this all week and she did not want to talk the last few days. She said well I am communicating with you and telling you things I will show you everything, you show me everything, I told her I didn't have to show her anything. Oh I see where this is going she says, I said well I guess I've a different opinion about that and laughed, she said oh I'm funny, you want to laugh, I said yes, because this is all highly ironic to me, you lecturing me about being honest and communicating. Well fine you laugh, you can't bother me anymore(in her most snooty and obviously bothered tone). I told her I would transfer money so she has some.

Well this may be first thing I've done to really cause her pain and she clearly did not like it one bit. I can't believe she actually thought I would continue to give her access to my money if I wasn't going to have access to hers. I suppose I've removed the first bit of cake from her mouth. Let the day be glorious! She no longer will eat from my plate, this cake is mine!

[phunguy]

Just talked to Attny meeting Monday to review documents.