Yup, I'm changing things, spend more time with the kids, and its fun. Going out more, meeting some really nice people too. I've also decided on a few 180's...the arguing. The arguing sucked. Though there have been some occasions I've really wanted to vent this past few days, I've stfu. That's the hardest for me to do right now. But I made it one of my goals...and though difficult, its working. Its been 4 whole days. Its very sad, but thats the longest we've gone without getting into one since the whole sitch started. And, I'm doing more than my share of the chores. Not to be noticed, but, because I enjoy it, and will have to do it if I end up living alone again.
Have a few goals.
I'd like to travel on the bike. I've never done that. Maybe even take a sleeping bag, find some place in the middle of nowhere to camp. And fall asleep looking at the stars. (And maybe a bout at screaming to no one in particular, just to get my frustration out 8)
I'd like to get my full license for both the bike, and a car I'd like to finish one more course, and apply to the police dept. I'd like to volunteer more at my sons school I'd like to join a second dance class, go twice a week instead of once. I'd like to stop drinking, all together
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Just about finished DR in one night. Pretty eye opening. Can see some of my mistakes. MWD, was mentioning 'do what works'. Well, until I sat down with pen and paper, I didn't realize I HAD been doing what works, then stopped. A little over a week/week half ago, I decided not to walk around on eggshells anymore and stop avoiding Tabby. I vegan to 'spend time' with her watching TV. We actually talked a little bit more, even remeniced about doing "it" at her parents house when we rented'the devil wears prada, on their couch, when a commercial came on for the movie. Had a laugh or two as well. Then we fought a short while later, and my spending time with her stopped. Have to go back to that. Tabby I noticed didn't sleep well last night. Tossed and turned. This morning before work, If she slept well, she said no. I asked if she was OK, she said no. I offered to listen if she'd like to talk about what's bothering her, she told me she wasn't in a good mood. I left it at that, now that I know my pushing would most probably cause an argument. Haven't fought since Friday, pretty sure has nothing to do with me (of course it will!). Ah well, broad shoulders
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I talked to my wife tonight (she just joined an all women's group focusing on one's self, and how to avoid the pitfalls of NOT fulfilling dreams aspirations, ect.
She was in a crummy mood this morning, said she wasn't "fine". Today when I came home from work, asked how the day was, how she felt. Everything was fine. She then told me 'she needs her space'. I took it for what it was, (form me, well, confustion). So I seach everything online, and rack my brain about what "space" means. Everywhere I looked, it said, ask for it to be defined. So I did. Talked to Tabby for a few minutes until interrupted by little one. Tabby told me that through the relationship, I haven't been there. And now, all of the sudden I'm right there, basically, in the spotlight, doing everything that I should've been doing all along through the relationship...and she's overwhelmed. What now, continue? Started to explain how I understood what my faults were that brough us where we are, and have been correcting them for me, regardless of sitch, but then, we were ambushed by kids... Thoughts? Right track, wrong track, opinions?
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Way I look at it, I must have done 'something' right, for it to be noticed in just this 6 week time frame. And believe me, I've been so "lost" without Starsky, Zew, and Sandi, that I know I haven't done everything right, there have been plenty of arguements, so I can't see myself doing "too much DB'ing" Confused.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
She was in a crummy mood this morning, said she wasn't "fine". Today when I came home from work, asked how the day was, how she felt. Everything was fine. She then told me 'she needs her space'. I took it for what it was, (form me, well, confustion). So I seach everything online, and rack my brain about what "space" means.
In my experience, it typically means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."
Completed our talk last night. No anger, ect. It was really nice. I picked up where we left off. I validated her feelings about being overwhelmed, even empathized that I understood that its a shock to have me 'missing' during periods in our relationship, and all of the sudden there's dramatic changes that she can see. Enough so that its overwhelming. I mentioned that I've been spending time on myself, and I've learned a great deal about how I've felt about the relationship. I mentioned that she was working outside of the house when we first began our journey together. And that with us having that alone time, we grew together when we WERE together after our shifts were done and we were home. I was honest, and let her know that I felt very pressured when she quit and wasn't employed for lengths of time. That it felt like I had the world on my back. I mentioned that I would become more stressed when I'd see her at the house all the time, and she'd have great aspirations (work, meeting friends, ect.), but never follow through with them, which in turn would stress me even more, and I'd become distant. I told her I missed the conversations we used to have, about sometimes, absolutely nothing. How we used to just spend time in a bed or on a couch doing absolutely nothing but looking at each other with a smile on our faces. She knows I'm on this site. She told me she read a post I put up the other day and it made her angry. The post on Monday was about me not making her dinner as per usual. I validated that anger, and told her I was happy she didn't yell at me, but instead, she calmly mentioned it now. I told her its how I've come to learn to deal with issues now. I mentioned there were a few times the past few days I've been upset at something but decided that I wouldn't allow myself to act out (as we all know, sometimes its better to let things go, that some battles shouldn't be battles at all). She asked about you all. If I need to be told how to do everything by you men/women. I told her no, and that I've been taught basic principles, and that those principles will guide me regardless of an 'us' or not. I mentioned her love languages. We were in an argument last week or so. She mentioned during that argument that when she went to an MC before, she asked me to read men from mars/women Venus, and I never did. Last night, I mentioned that I actually did read the book. And how I made a mistake regarding her languages (I thought 'gifts was hers, and I used to, for some reason bring her random things home for her that reminded me of her). And, I told her now that I've been reflecting on myself, and had indeed 'heard' on Bday, I have been trying to compliment the two most predominant of hers. I mentioned it is difficult, but, that I try. I validated her "unspoken" words. That I understood that what she wants isn't just 'sex' but non-sexual affection, which is y I have on a few occasions walked in the door and given her a hug, or cuddled in bed. I mentioned its difficult as sometimes when she allows this i've become excited, and tried for more, only to be pushed away, so I've been confused...confused, but completely understanding about how difficult things are for her. And affirmed her that these little affectionate signs were just that. Non-sexual. That I had no interest in pushing further. I mentioned a second language of hers, quality time. I told Tabby when our sitch first began, I was messed up. The last thing I wanted to do was be in the same room. But, took a stand, and decided time together was exactly what was needed. No matter how hard it was or weird it felt, I decided to spend that time. And when I did, change began to happen. Nothing DRASTIC, but tangible change, we talked and laughed a bit..far better than weeks before when we stormed off to different parts of the house. So it was for 'us' a better place when that change happened. And I said if it continued, it could get better still. Final thought I had was about her new women's support group. I told her I was fully supportive. That I thought it was a fantastic idea. I said that she needs support, other than her mom. I was open about my thoughts regarding her venting to primarily her mom. That the feedback she gets may/will cause more issues, or compound our issues we currently find ourselves in. I gave her foot a squeeze, and left the conversation, went to bed, and fell asleep while starting another chapter of DB.
I'll be quite honest though. I did backslide today. I asked her if she ever has doubt's about going through with S/D. I was around the house for 10-15min after I asked, but left for work without an answer. And that's okay.
If I'm being honest to myself, we've been married since 2008. The conversation I had last night was the most pleasant, meaningful one we've had in many years. No animosity, or anger. I don't even know how to describe it. But WOW. If we could talk/listen to each other like that all the time, it would be fantastic. It reminded me of our precmarriage days, really did. Now, to continue DB'ing, and fight for this marriage.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
It very well could be. But I'm taking Sandi's advice. No longer snoop. I'll continue on working on me, have my ducks in a row legally, enjoy my GAL efforts, until i get to the point you did, and put an end to the misery. Nothing I can do but wait. Snooping just killed me inside.
Last edited by Mac00; 03/19/1502:34 PM.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Talked to Tabby last night. Mentioned she's being herself now (not the one I knew pre-EA!!). Also mentioned during her EA, she wasn't herself, but, it's obvious she still doesn't understand the 'not Tabby' created a massive @#&#storm, and hasn't taken any responsibility. (Unless she's projecting the cool exterior and living through it all in her head). I don't know.
I saw a text from her mom (who's really pushing her to leave the house and marriage, after hearing the 'not Tabby' vent for last 6 weeks) yesterday morning when my smallest was playing with her phone asking 'have you looked anywhere or talked to anyone?".
During our conversation (I was calm and validated) I mentioned the text. I told Tabby that since Bday, with all I've experienced the past 6 weeks, I'm expecting another bomb to be dropped. I mentioned how that pushing by mom is a greater influence than Tabby may believe. Tab told me it was another way that 'I prove I don't know her", and mentioned her mom is concerned for her, after hearing that I had told her to get out if she was so unhappy. She did admit her mom is pushing the issue, and stated mom has been looking into real estate in the area. But her mom doesn't have any influence over her.
My changes were mentioned, and Tabby admitted she has 'reservations",..I can only assume regarding their permanancy. I validated, told her this is the new me.
I mentioned our previous separation two years ago, and validated Tabby's thoughts on it. She had mentioned a week or so back, that we we're better towards each other, and better parents. Well, that is true. Time apart, and then subsequently spending the nights together due to a long commute) did bring Tabby and I closer together as a couple (fell in love again) and as a family. If the plan is to separate, I'm hoping its for some "time" not a means to an end. At least D's not been mentioned, other than Tabby mentioning we could live the rest of our lives 'separated' and never D.
I have a serious question about people and personalities.
We were in a marriage slump 4yrs ago. She contacts same OM, gets that euphoric feeling, I find out, we S for a year. During that year, we see each other (kids too) for no less than 3-4 days a week when she brings the kids for a visit. We sleep in same bed, have sex ALOT more, and our feelings grow very strong. The euphoria comes back into our marriage, we connect as a "couple", plan a new life together, and move across the country...in a nutshell.
4yrs later, to now. Marriage is pretty much exactly where it was then (almost everything is repeating exactly as then). Again, contacts same OM, gets euphoric, I find out, S is mentioned. If it gets to that point and she's in her own place, again, she'll have to bring them to my place, as I have no vehicle.
Now, I'm kinda worried. And here's my question about personalities. Are there people that will repeat the past, almost exactly, in order to (in their rational) better a relationships future?
As I sit and think about how my sitch is evolving, its almost identical to before. And I wonder if that's y S 'for now', and I don't want the affection you show me 'right now' are brought up. There has been no end, or permanency mentioned. Thoughts, anyone else been through something like that?
I think I've done too much talking with her though, and will reel it in. Make myself a little less available, and have her start any chat now, as I continue DB.
Bike comes out of storage today! Can't WAIT to go for a ride after work!
Oh, and Sandi, could you perhaps mention a little about what may be going thru a WW/pre-WAW mind. I read a few of your posts. I sincerely believe the OM conversations on the phone/texting is over. So, any insight into her poss mental/emotional/thought or decision making process at this time would be greatly appreciated.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Yesterday, decided that I would no longer initiate conversations. Didn't ask her about her meeting with her new women's support group. While she was gone, cleaned house top to bottom, housework for hours. Both sons have 'Impetego'. So she has no (very little) income from her home daycare this week as parents keeping kids home. She was crying about it yesterday. Cleaned all her daycare toys (figured she wouldn't, and I don't want my kids re-infected once their round of antibiotics is complete). Didn't get "all" toys though as mentioned by wife. Told me this a.m. she was going to clean remainder last note but couldn't be bothered. Evening was quiet. Read DB and then went to bed, no talk. In bed, I was playing with the cat. She mentioned that we could get another cat (y, you want to leave?). It would be easier for a cat to take care of itself if we went on vacation (we?..and we've NEVER gone on a vacation!) Wondering if it was a toss of the fishing lure to hook ole' Mac, as it was the first time since sitch happened and I've decided to be content, and not engage. Probably. Mac didn't bite, /engage in bed. This morning, was told S3 dentist would b calling her about surgery he had sched'd for tomorrow as we were unsure he could be gassed when on medication. She would be mentioning he has a contagious disease right now. Decided that as I hadn't been that involved as a dad, I'd call and talk to the dentist, left a msg. Dentist called wife later, mentioned I'd called to w. I got a text about how I'm purposely undermine her, basically, intentionally not listening to her, or purposely frustrating her. Wow.. (I just didn't want to be charged for not cancelling appt./ letting dentist office know 24hrs before the appoint). Can't win for tryin' some days. What can ya do.
W had mentioned leaving by June. Now, other day said "summer's gonna suck" M: why? W: its so hot here M: its usually hotter in the summer W: we don't have many windows that open and little airflow My brain: ..ugh, but you're leaving aren't you???.
I'll take that extra time, thank you very much!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
