Coming Home

[mleigh4]

Ok. Deep breath. I TM H asking if he had dog because she is not here. H just called. Said that it was cold this morning and they didn't have time to get her in the back of the truck and tie her up. He apologized for not letting me know, forgot that I go home at lunch, didn't mean to scare me and that she is safe. Said he will bring her later or tomorrow.

I did good, just listened and said ok, I just got worried because he would normally let me know. He again apologized.

I will talk to S, but I wonder if they also realized that it's really not safe for her in his new truck. He will never admit to that because I argued with him about that last night. She has to stand on top of a tool box that raises her about half way up the bed and I was not comfortable with that. Not sure if this will be a problem for us now. Most important is that she is safe. I am calmed down and appreciate that he called, but not sure how we are going to coordinate her custody!

[mleigh4]

Ok time for me to step back and regroup. I am feeling......out of sorts. Dumb little things are setting me off with H. I am watching CNN and all the unrest in the world, in our own country, and here I am freaking out about my H keeping my dog without asking......

Time to refocus and remember the bigger things in life. I need to turn my brain off from this for a while. I am burnt out on my H's MLC drama right now. Its Break time

[job]

I'm sorry that the little things are setting you off...but you have to remember that your H isn't thinking clearly right now. For example, they tend to forget things, their empathy chips are broken and as "teenagers", they don't always tell us things. Let's use the dog drop off example. He completely forgot to tell you that he wasn't bringing the dog home because it was cold out. In his mind, he thought it was okay and you would realize how cold it was. Never in his wildest dreams did he think to put the dog up front w/them when he brought his son home. They don't think w/their intelligent minds because they are only operating on emotions. They can only handle one thing at a time and evidently one thought at a time too.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I wanted to point out that I've seen this many times and they just don't think or remember things like they should. Depression works in strange ways and I do believe it affects the thinking process more so for the crisis people.

Try to think of him as being your son's age. He's a little boy trying to find his way back into the world of maturity. He's Peter Pan lost in the forest of Neverland and it's going to take him a while to find his way back home. Dig deeper for patience because you will need a shovel to keep the patience going.

[mleigh4]

Trust me Job, I know the teenage mentality I am dealing with, and getting tired of it. You know what I think it comes down to? I have become like a farmer with a shot gun protecting his crops. I feel so protective of my family, my home and everything in it, from H and anything to do with him. The smallest things send me into shooting......

The problem is also that we agreed dog stays with S, and H once again decided to change the rules to serve himself. S was not happy last night, wanted dog home......

So we had some exchange last night, I will go over that later. Right now, I am thinking about going to get dog and take her home on my lunch hour. I really don't want to make a huge deal of this, but I honestly don't know if she has proper shade and it is in the 80's here today.

Job - is that pushing it? Should I just leave it be and let him explain to S why dog is not home, leave it on him to handle?

[job]

I understand your concern about the dog and your son. However, I think your h should be the one to bring the down back home to his son. By going to get the dog, you are alleviating your h from his responsibility of ensuring that the dog is returned home to your son.

Call him up and advise him that your son wasn't happy about the dog not being there last night and to please make arrangements to bring the dog home, i.e., even if this means meeting him halfway...but he needs to explain why things went south to his son.

[mleigh4]

Job, thank you. I agree and decided not to go any further with this. I hope my sweet girl is comfortable and will hope for the best. This is H's issue to handle now.

So again, we have an agreement between S and dog, they stay together. She is S's dog and his comfort. H decided to keep her yesterday, and told S to let me know when I picked him up after work. When I found out, H told me he would bring her home last night. Here is part of our text exchange last night starting at 7:30:

H:........I can bring dog over tomorrow after work unless you wanted to come get her. I have some things to prepare before my meetings this week so I won't have time tonight.

Me: ........as far as dog, it can't always be about your schedule, we matter too, and our time. It's a school night, got homework and our own stuff to do, and we are not happy she is not here that was your responsibility, but that's on you.

10 pm H: I think it is ok if I have dog for more than one night at a time..you have kitten and S of course....I don't think having her for a couple of days should cause you to try to make me feel guilty...at least it's not....

Me this morning: I totally understand you wanting to spend more time with dog. I really do. I thought we had agreed dog stays with S? Then you will decide on a whim differently, based on what works best for you. It becomes all about you. And please don't ask our 8 year old son to relay messages for you. You should communicate directly with me, not through son. Did you tell him you were going to bring dog home last night? Does she have proper shade? Because there was none when I picked them up on Friday. That is what goes through my mind, not so much that you have her.....and please know, I am not angry, bitter, being difficult or trying to make you feel guilty. I want to get along, I want to keep the peace. I am happier than I have been in a really long time, I had no idea how much our issues were dragging me down until I was set free, so thank you for that. All I ask is that you be considerate, keep your word, do what you say you are going to do. If you want dog more, than let's all talk about it so we know what to expect.

Not pretty, not fun. Thing is, I have come to feel like a person trying to keep structure and order in an a really crappy situation.
S and I like routine, not surprises. H has called enough of the shots with his emotional disruption. I am fighting back now when pushed. IDK, just the way I feel these days. Have not heard anything from H.

[mleigh4]

H brought dog home last night. He arrived right when S and I were sitting down to eat. I invited him to stay and eat with us, he did. More like scarfed! Lol. We all had good conversation, it was nice. I am glad we were able to get past the last few days and exchanges we have had. Time to keep moving forward.

H brought up switching days this weekend, said it would be better for me, which I didn't agree and figure it's really about him....but. I just said that I am fine keeping the schedule the way it is. If it's really about him wanting to make plans out on the night he is supposed to have his S, then he just needs to be honest with me. We would work it out. Isn't there a big fight Saturday night..........just guessing what might really be up........

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

I think one of the toughest things with MLC is just the insane selfishness, seems it hits a level where the MLCr has no knowledge people are sharing the planet with them, they almost seem shocked that others might even dare to have feelings or thoughts on things like them switching schedules and plans on a whim. I know my W would be really nice and talk me into switching a nice for ... insert whatever here, usually was a lie. Provided they get what they want seems its all smooth sailing, however I found when I needed the favor returned it was met with extreme pushback. So after one or two rounds I decided the schedule was the schedule and I was not going go out of my way to make things easy .... call it a mini boundary or maybe like you I was just to the point I needed to push back just to feel the emotional journey was only controlling her life and not mine.

And yes, Pacquiao vs Mayweather is Saturday night.

[mleigh4]

Yes Cali, you hit a point there. I think that is what is happening, I have hit a point where I need to voice and act on my boundaries. I know Job has been pushing me to do this for quite some time now .

Thing is, it's hard for me. I love helping people and doing things for people. I feel like I am being difficult when I stand my ground or say no. Especially to my H. I am aware he is going through a tough time and that would be the only way I could "help" him, by cooperating with his every wish. But enough is enough and I see where they start to take advantage. Of course , if we need to switch nights with S, I am totally open to that and always have been, I may need the favor returned......

Some things I noticed in spending some time with H last night. He seems very scattered, overwhelmed to a point. He mentioned that work has been a lot for him lately. He was distracted by his phone, setting up a play date with our friends kids on Saturday. I asked him if it's ok that I work on renewing S's passport as it expired this year. We either have to both be with him in person or he would need to sign an affidavit, he agreed right away no problem, that he would try to be there he then mentioned he should check his passport and that he really needed a vacation away badly. Not sure if he meant that as in joining us or on his own. ... He was like a mini tornado last night......

Moving forward........

[CaliGuy]

mleigh ... like you .. I am/was a total 'Fixer/Pleaser' and I think working on this helped. One of the things I discovered was the after affects. Take last year for example, W's Bday and she told me OM was out of the picture, so I 180'd and booked a trip up to SB for the weekend, she loved the idea, and we had a good time .. I will not say great because looking back she was still all about OM, turns out he forgot her Bday or never knew .. who knows but thats was what happened. I swooped in and did the Fix/Please thing. Then I was upset at how I was treated after ... why? I felt taken advantage of ... but if you look at it from above, she did not ask for any of my actions, I did them thinking I was fixing/pleasing ... in other words I had expectations ... I realized I should only be upset at myself.

Thing is, it's hard for me. I love helping people and doing things for people. I feel like I am being difficult when I stand my ground or say no. Especially to my H. I am aware he is going through a tough time and that would be the only way I could "help" him, by cooperating with his every wish. But enough is enough and I see where they start to take advantage. Of course , if we need to switch nights with S, I am totally open to that and always have been, I may need the favor returned......

^^ See?? you and I have the same issue to adress. We can not fix this nor help them. Its their journey. I picture someone drowning and if we get to close they just pull us down with them. Its horrible to see them suffer and your instinct is to help your spouse, but by helping here its more like enabling them. They have to hit bottom, and THAT seems to be a different spot/point for everyone.

I think the whole deal on switching nights ... well what I did anyways, I was always very open to taking S more nights, the more the better. Part of me figured ... sure he and I can work on our R more, I can be the solid rock, awesome father ... W can do what she wants, the more she does her thing, spends more time with OM, spends more time alone, has time away from the people who actually care about her unconditionally ... the faster the process will go, HOWEVER ... there were times I had to say no, took the approach of .. this is what you asked for .. this is what you get, I have plans and I will not FIX your wants nor help you cake eat. Its a fine line to balance, it really is ... trust your gut, whatever you decide to do just do it from a place where you are good with things regardless of what H id doing.