Is it really to late? Who knows....

[RAI]

Good choice on the no toupee btw!!

Thanks. My 9th grade math teacher did not have one, then had one, then did not have one again. It was kind of strange seeing him go through the transition. I look back and wonder what he was going through at the time. I am embracing my chrome dome .

RAI

[lost18]

Feeling sad today. Still keeping my distance somewhat. Haven't asked him about his jeep project, usually when I walk through the garage we'll talk about it, I'll ask questions about it. I barely went out there today except to take the garbage out and ask him if he was eating dinner. As a matter of fact, I didn't start any conversations with him today except about D13 and dealing with her injury. I wonder how much longer he wants to pretend?

I almost think he senses something different. Going to the store andpreparing dinner the other night, cleaning the kitchen the other morning, asked me if I needed anything when he went out today. He even cleaned the kitchen up after dinner tonight too! Not that he never helps clean up but he hasn't been doing a whole lot of that lately and I don't remember the last time he did it in the evening.

Also, tonight I decided to sit on the couch in "his spot" and watch a show I wanted to watch instead of finding something I knew he would like too. I think I just need to continue distancing myself some, obviously I can't completely considering the situation. I'm a little torn, obviously I want to get along and be friends but I think I'm giving too much of myself.

Ok, I also feel like I'm talking in circles a bit so I'm going to bed now.

[Maybell]

You sound on the right track to me. Sleep well!

[mahhhty]

Make that 2. I wouldn't get to discouraged. Relationships are seesaws. The more one person puts in, the less the other has too. Perhaps, he does sense your recent withdrawal and is trying to step up.

[lost18]

Well, I should've added that I don't think he is doing it "for me" as much as I think he's trying to keep the peace (for lack of a better term). I'm stuck on this why question today: "why does he think this is ok?" Does he really think what he is doing is good for anybody? For him I guess...he gets to have the comforts of his home and family and whatever it is he thinks he's getting from her. I would like to be able to move forward with my life too (I want him in it as my H, but want to move on one way or another).

He was outside (sitting) with D13 (cleaning up the boat) and went out to see if she had homework to do, he didn't hear me walk out there and was on his phone texting when I walked up next to him. Later I went out and was sitting out by the pool and he came out to grab a beer and just looked at me didn't say anything. D16 came out a little later and assumed something was the matter so he probably did too...not like I was out there crying or anything, just chillin'!

Anyway, wasn't in a great mood, spent the afternoon with D13 at the orthopedic clinic just to say "it's likely this is the problem but she needs an MRI." Then to the dentist with both girls to learn D16 needs some serious dental work. Then stuck in traffic on the way home because there was an accident in a construction zone! The worst part of all of that was I got home too late to go for my Thursday run! I could have really used that today.

I'm kind of at a new stage here so I think I need figure out what my actions/interactions should be like. Today I think he might think I was mad or upset and that is NOT my goal. So, just have to find my way and continue to be patient. Even though I think he is one of the ones that is not going to change his mind, I have to look at some of the other examples here (25, labug, starsky) and understand how much time it really can take.

[mahhhty]

On the bright side it didn't snow where you are (on the first day of spring mind you).

I honestly have no good advice.

Just hope & hugs (())!

[lost18]

That is why I live in the Sunshine State! Although I do miss the seasons sometimes, especially fall and the colors and even the snow....just not the months of cold that go with it!

Have the house to myself today, H took D13 to her tournament to support her team although she can't play and D16 is never home anymore . Should try to do something useful but am just being lazy on the computer now...

[mahhhty]

That is why I live in the Sunshine State!

Send some our way! It snowed on the first day of Spring. I am ready for sunshine! We are going to have snow on the ground into April.

[lost18]

I feel like I'm at a standstill and not sure what to do next. Have been listening to several podcasts and rereading DR. Reflecting I know I still have to work on my interactions with H, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.

Every time I see him on his phone I still want to smash it! I know this is all on me and I need to find a way to stop letting it affect me. I am able to talk myself down when I find myself dwelling on it.

We are just in this holding pattern, no move toward reconciling, no move toward D!

We are going north again this summer and he has told his sister and her family as well as his brother that they can stay at our place. It's going to be a tight squeeze! I'm fine with that I just wish he would've maybe asked me first. I told him that my brother and niece were staying there too (they aren't) and he was like "I wish you would've said something to me" Really?!?!?! Hmmmm...I wonder where he is planning on sleeping...

Oh, also said we don't have enough "4-wheelers" for everybody so he was thinking about buying another one! What?!?!

Of course it's tax time, we did have some issues with them but we got it fixed and we are actually getting a return for once! He's so weird with money now (basically it's his, he does give me money for bills, groceries and such but he buys whatever he wants with "his" money). Anyway, I asked him if he had plans for the taxes (I figured he was planning on jeep parts) and told him there were some things I was hoping to do...I'm excited I'm finally getting a desk for the office and new carpet for D16's and "his" bedroom! So I was happy that he was willing to spend $$ for home improvement.

Ok, enough about things I don't understand and have control over....

Have worked all week and actually seem to be getting a bit more work...at least until summer!

I have started my gratitude list again, I really need to focus on what I DO have. Along with that I made a list of the reason's I want to save my marriage, bottom line is I still love my H and I do see potential for us to have a great marriage but of course that will take both of us. Just reinforcing that I am doing this for the right reasons and not only out of fear. I also made a list of some things I want to do for GAL, I am just going to have to make the time to do the ones I can and stop putting my life on hold.

So this should be an interesting weekend, H's friend (the one he was going to go visit a few weeks ago) is here for the weekend...I wonder how much he knows about what's going on here and if he knows about OW. oops...more I can't control!

[lost18]

So H, his friend and D13 went out on the boat fishing today. H asked if I wanted to go (I really did) I said I would love to but have things to do around the house. I think that is the first time I've said no to an invite....not that I get a ton.

So this is probably one of H's closest friends, they've know each other since 84 and I'm not sure he even knows what is going on. H is still sleeping in the other room which I would think he thinks is weird. I've pretty much left them alone to hang out, last night I went in the garage with them for a little bit. We were talking about boating and cruises, friend asked if we've ever been on a cruises. I made the comment that we've talked about going but never have, friend replies that it would probably be easy for "us" living where we live.

My sister said something along the lines of it being hard to tell people about it when you're not convinced, or telling people would make it real.

Oh well, I'm guessing anyway and again have not control over what he does.

Going to finish getting my desk together and get the office situated and the house cleaned up before I have a house full again.

Have a great weekend everybody!