Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

Sorry to bump this but not sure if I should raise the overheard conversation later? As I have to drop the kids back though she won't be home from OM's till later.

[Sotto]

Hi Dtr, sorry things are so tough right now. Rotten that you had to read that stuff, and good to stop once you know what is going on. No need to torture yourself any further.

Just on your D overhearing. Does your D know that you plan to raise it with your W? I do think it's appropriate to consider a boundary on this. Your W shouldn't be having convo's like that, which D can overhear. But if D told you in confidence, you may want to let her know that you plan to talk to your W and check that it's ok...

[Detrmnd]

I decided not to raise this tonight as it was just too much for me to keep cool if it escalated. I am seeing D after school tomorrow so I will confirm if it is ok with her before parents evening then we can discuss it afterwards. She was in her bedroom on a separate floor and the D was going up to ask her something.

Honestly I think D has heard a lot more she is of an age where she loves to listen in and I am 90% sure that she knows about W's A but doesn't want to tell me as she is firstly concerned that I would then go crazy and probably B doesn't feel she can unless she is 100% certain.

How should I set out the boundary? In fact how do I go about setting all boundaries? I am travelling with work again next week and will be re-reading DR so any help meanwhile would be great.

[Detrmnd]

So I spoke to W today, she called me. D is not coming over this afternoon apparently. I mentioned the overheard conversation and she blew it off claimed it was misheard and that she was talking to a friend about something else... Tried to explain to me what was said.

She then wanted to have a financial chat again, which was rapidly turning into R matters, so I re-directed it to financial. I suggested I could live in the house and look after the kids, or we could do week on week off. Both were not well received.

I think she thinks she should live there, me pay for everything and I can get a little 1 bed hovel and the kids come visit me occasionally whenever she wants to go out.

Finally I said I was busy with work and had to go, informed her that I was going on Friday to the dinner we were invited and assumed she didn't want to. She started trying to say "I don't really feel liking going round there and playing happy families" I cut her off and said well I am looking forward to going so I will tell them you are unwell.

I then said "right see you tonight at the parents evening" and hung up while she was still saying goodbye.

So Is this the right kind of behaviour? Am I making progress? I feel that I controlled the conversation a lot more and was strong and decisive. As I should be, but inside I am terrified I am pushing her away,

[Cadet]

I am terrified I am pushing her away,

Did you forget she already fired you as a husband?

This is counter intuitive.

Dont be afraid of pushing her away.

Begging, pleading and bargaining are not going to win her back.

[Detrmnd]

Thanks Cadet,

Just what I needed to hear! I guess sometimes I just get so afraid I forget the worst has actually already happened.

I will continue!!

[Detrmnd]

So we meet for parents evening at 7pm I am going out straight after at 8pm. How vague should I keep things, and is it ok if I go all dressed up or will this antagonise?

I guess I am unsure as to what is the best course of action whenever I see her. Is it fine for me to be dressed up and have plans. But I should say nothing unless asked and remain remote or "dim" as someone put it? And if asked give the bare minimum info such as "Oh I'm just going out later".

Sorry to be asking all the time guys but I made so many mistakes and I am as my handle says "Determined" to make a better fist of DBing this time!

[Sotto]

Firstly, I would relax and wear what you want to wear to go out. Plus I would keep the going out vague and not mention it unless she asks. But wear a little cologne...

[Detrmnd]

Did as instructed, parents evening went well. She laughed at several small things and seemed in good spirits. She didn't ask if I was going out so I said nothing.

She wants to confirm a financial settlement ASAP, she would like all the bills transferred to her name and me to then pay her a monthly amount. We would split debts, she has also budgeted a small amount for me to pay my mother for food and board and we are left with the same amount of surplus each.

I am wary as to why she wants everything in her name rather than me just paying it all directly as I do. I think she plans to scale back expenditure once I have agreed the amount so as to give her more surplus each month. My issue being that I am happy to pay for the nice things like cable tv so my children can enjoy them, but I am not paying for them then to be switched off and her have the excess. How can I ensure that I am paying to keep my children in comfort and not so she can lead the lifestyle she wants?

Don't get me wrong, this whole thing has taught me how little money means to me. Indeed all the baubles and wealth I have accumulated seem worthless, when they were the thing I used to measure my success with. I really don't care about the financial side of this but am trying to remain logical, fair and reasonable.

I also realise that this is a large test of my DB'ing so as to not be too soft or confrontational.

[Detrmnd]

Ok so the 3rd party reading the messages forwarded me several messages that cut me to the core but that we're also alarming. Firstly the OM visited her 4:30 AM on 18th feb at our old house. Secondly she is discussing with him introducing him to the kids. And that she tells him I am a crazy control freak.

Now the issue I have is that I went round calmly to speak to the W about this on Saturday. As him visiting broke an agreed rule, obviously I had to disclose my knowledge of the messages. She spoke to me through her bedroom door and refused to come for a chat out of te house (I now know why but anyways) I just stated I knew everything about her A and we needed to have a proper chat, she flipped out storm down the stairs screaming g at me that it's not an A its "her fantasy" and that she just says these things as he's pushing her! The kids heard everything. Something I was keen to avoid, but it's now out. I I formed her that I felt she should end her A and commit to counselling and working on our marriage. She screamed she would end it with both of us and that she didn't need anyone.

I then took the children to my mothers and returned to speak to her. I did not cry or shout. I told her things were completely over between us. She cried for about an hour asking why I couldn't has changed earlier, and asking why I didn't complain when she started having interesting conversations on line. I stated that we had both made mistakes but that I couldnt change the past. She had gone back on ending the A and started talking about her need to change and grow etc..

I then called time after an hour and left.

She went straight off to the OM as she does every weekend leaving me to deal and explain to the children why mummy was having an affair. So it's been a great weekend for me! That said within a couple
Of hours the kids had accepted it all and today seem fine but they have been my focus. I worry what they will say to their mum tomorrow night when she picks them up from school.

Fortunately I am away with work Tuesday to Friday so can easily go dark and she will have to deal with this on her own.

So I am moving on with my life, detaching, GAL and moving forward with my therapy. I'll stick to our arrangement of me having Saturday to Monday and every other Wednesday. Rent a flat/apartment and move on with my life.

The funny thing is despite all of the above and the growing detachment I have never found her more attractive. As I learn to listen and actually here her I find her fascinating and interesting. I guess I was just too blind to see until the BD and sadly for all it is now a lot harder for me to fix.

I will be DB'ing. Listening to Sandi2 and hope that one day slowly my W will come back.