Moved too fast? Now what?

[Bing]

WW really pushing for divorce. Sandi, to your point I have definitely cut off my nose here as me initiating the mediation consultation and setting ultimatums has really accelerated my situation. Though after the introspection I've been doing at PMs suggestion, I'm coming around on being supportive of divorce myself. WW is madly in love with OM and wants to be with him forever. A man she's seen once and who lives in another state. Best of luck to them. The first reflection I had when I did PMs exercise was that I will not pursue or engage in unhealthy relationships. I'd say dropping the rope here is true to that value , yes?

Last night WW was pushing hard to work out our divorce decisions (custody, assets, etc). I tried the "I don't support this so I won't participate" defense, but eventually caved and hammered through the particulars. Neither of us can afford lawyers and she is fully convinced I am the source of her unhappiness and resentful of me. I actually felt we came away with a fair agreement on our own which is good - didn't want to lose my shorts.

And now it's just a matter of getting it on paper and filing at the courthouse (a requirement in my state since we have minor children).

Here is our email exchange from this morning. Critique away:

From WW:

Hey,

So I looked in to the "ICan Website" that the mediator mentioned. It actually seems pretty simple. It gives you a fact sheet to fill out (attached) and then you just fill in your answers to each question. Then you bring that form to the courts to file.

I know you are worried I am making the wrong decision for the girls, and maybe in a year or two I will realize that I did and it will be too late. Im just really unhappy right now, and I need to figure out my own things. I truly am sorry for hurting you, I know I went about things the exact wrong way. I hope at somepoint you will be able to forgive me, I would really like to be able to get along well gor the girls. I hated that my parents fought all the time, and I hope that doesnt happen to us.

Are you planning on being home early? Do you think you could pick the girls up? If not its fine. I have an appointment at 5, but I can cancel or bring the girls.

Let me know,
(STBX Bing)

My response:

Hello,

This looks fine. I'm glad we were able to work through most of the details last night - not much left to do now.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to sort through the causes of your pain and I'm sorry for anything I've done to contribute.

Thank you for acknowledging my perspective. I can't pretend to have any interest in wanting to be friends or have a good relationship with you when we are divorced. I think the affair has blocked us from having any chance of attempting to work on our issues and I'm sad the girls are caught in the middle. But the girls are strong and I know they'll be fine. I also have no desire in fighting with you or being uncivil. I'm just not that way, and if you have doubts I'm confident my actions will reflect otherwise.

Good luck to you (STBX). Thanks for getting everything in order.

P.s. I will pick up the girls, no problem.

Bing


Weak, accusatory, giving her an easy way out? Probably. But I need to drop the rope on this unhealthy relationship and since I stated my boundary on an open marriage, I would be a coward to back down now.

Wish me luck - I'll probably be here looking for GAL advice when D is finalized.

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes.

Bing

[PatientMan]

To the question at the end of your first paragraph: yes!

Remember, one tactic you can choose to use is 'delay'. There is nothing wrong with telling her the truth by saying,

"You know what? There are a lot of really big decisions in here and I need some time to think it through." If she presses: "I will not be rushed on this. If you want me to be cooperative, allow me time to process this information."

Regarding your response, remember: less is more. You don't have to share all of your feelings with her; it is, in fact, counterproductive to do so. Something like:

"Hello,

This looks fine. I'm glad we were able to work through most of the details last night - not much left to do now.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to sort through the causes of your pain and I'm sorry for anything I've done to contribute.

Thank you for acknowledging my perspective. I can't pretend to have any interest in wanting to be friends or have a good relationship with you when we are divorced. I think the affair has blocked us from having any chance of attempting to work on our issues and I'm sad the girls are caught in the middle. But the girls are strong and I know they'll be fine. I also have no desire in fighting with you or being uncivil. I'm just not that way, and if you have doubts I'm confident my actions will reflect otherwise.

Good luck to you (STBX). Thanks for getting everything in order.

P.s. I will pick up the girls, no problem.

Bing"

All the best!

-PM