Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Wonka]

Z,

I am going to give you the same exact advice I gave to V last week. I am concerned for your well-being and you do need to be completely safe from H. Not sure if this is the first incident or not. No matter.

Can you go to the nearest women's shelter and stay for a while? In the States, a woman is allowed to stay in a shelter for at least 30 days. Not sure about the UK.

I do think you need to remove yourself from this place to get some distance between you two and gain some perspective of your situation from the outside.

It's kinda hard fighting a raging fire if you are standing in the dab smack middle of it.

[Vanilla]

Wonka

You will need police involvement to be in a shelter here. A recommendation from them is needed unless a charity bed can be found, priority is given to women with children, normally the police remove the offender. Ideally in the UK you do not leave your home as the abused party.

The police can also prosecute without agreement, and in my case have seen H and followed that up with a warning letter. Verbal abuse is a criminal offence in the UK, but hard to prove. I believe both Z and I have proof of one kind or another. If he abuses again they will remove my H from the big house and support my application for a restraining order. In the UK too, we can apply for restitution in the family court if there is abuse and this will be offset against any D settlement.

I said more or less that which Z is saying and left. Z has a flat mate.


Sadly it is very different in the UK although VSO was very helpful indeed but I also needed a police recommendation.

V

[Zelda09]

Guys, I don't think I am un-safe. I am unhappy. And I don't like the violence, but he has never harmed me or wounded me. I don't believe he will, either. I don't want to go to a shelter, that would add more stress and inconvenience than anything.

Thanks for your thoughts, keep them coming please!

[Zelda09]

So, I think I have decided to lay it out, most in the edited draft that V had revised. I will simply pause before I offer a solution and see what he says. My roommate will be there and I am sure I will be safe.

H has a history of intimidation with me, yes. Verbal name calling came to a halt years ago, now it is more psychologically condescending stuff. I see it for what it is, his attempt to maintain control over me. He will say many things about how he doesn't see himself as equal, or as smart, capable, etc...as earlier post in this thread - so he lashes out to feel he gains ground.

I do not have to have an agenda to go into this conversation strong. I can simply tell him how I am.

Cadet, your post worries me - help me explore this - that he will continue to break through boundaries until he is all in...do you mean in a way that he will sabotage this waiting for me to break it? Like if he crosses enough lines he'll get his D?

[Calibri]

Zelda,

I'm sorry to read the recent updates in your thread -- I had hopes for your sitch. However, I am proud (if that's the right word to use) that you are traveled your path and know the way you want to take.

I agree with Wonka, is there a place where you can go and gain perspective? Or at least go, once you announce your desires for a Divorce? I think space would be beneficial for you both after you talk to your H. I couldn't imagine having to have lived with my H with his spew and after he announced his intentions for us to D.

I'm not trying to discount your feelings at all, but I do advise you to proceed with caution, especially with a history of violence and with suspected mental illness. What I've learned from my own mentally ill father and my (suspected) mentally ill h, you never know what will be the thing that sends them over the edge. Never in a million years did I think my H would do the things that he's done, but something in him snapped and he became a person that we don't recognize. While you aren't in fear and don't feel unsafe, never discount that a situation has the potential to become unsafe or escalate further than it already has. Or that you could ever imagine it could be.

Just my words.

Good luck.

[Cadet]

I do not have to have an agenda to go into this coSo, I think I have decided to lay it out, most in the edited draft that V had revised. I will simply pause before I offer a solution and see what he says. My roommate will be there and I am sure I will be safe.

H has a history of intimidation with me, yes. Verbal name calling came to a halt years ago, now it is more psychologically condescending stuff. I see it for what it is, his attempt to maintain control over me. He will say many things about how he doesn't see himself as equal, or as smart, capable, etc...as earlier post in this thread - so he lashes out to feel he gains ground. nversation strong. I can simply tell him how I am.

Cadet, your post worries me - help me explore this - that he will continue to break through boundaries until he is all in...do you mean in a way that he will sabotage this waiting for me to break it? Like if he crosses enough lines he'll get his D?

What is the purpose of this letter?

I guess my point is if you are worried about all these crossings of boundaries, you are not piecing, he is still in crisis and the best thing for YOU is to cycle back to detachment.

Protecting yourself, you are cycling with him reeling you in and then abusing you, that is not a good cycle.

Yes I think he will continue to break boundaries, how specifically I can not predict but I think that is part of the abuse.

[Zelda09]

Well, that went as well as possible. Too tired to post. But ok and done.

[Vanilla]

Waited to hear.

V

[susana4]

Hugs to you Z. Get some rest.

[Zelda09]

I had the three of us in the living room and pretty much laid it out as written in earlier draft. As expected, h tried to split hairs:

"I don't really agree with the facts as you have laid them out. I don't think I tgrew those at you. Did it hit you? Can I get an opinion from roommate on this? Seems like a stretch."

We were sitting in same place it basically happened. Roommate (50 yo man) says, you want to know what I think about violence against women? I think I can use any part of my body to send an object any which way I choose."

H said, ok, I just think that term is a little general. And so it went on. I just held firm to, "H this is violence and it is inexcusable. I will not live like this and I want to know what you intend to do about it."

"Isn't the question what you intend to do about it?"

"I told you I will call the police if it happens again. But I want to know if this is a boundary you will respect and if you're interested in taking responsibility and addressing this for our m. I found a course that meets..."

"I'll take all the responsibility. But I can't just change bc I take a course, this r has never been good on respecting boundaries anyway. "

"So if I am hearing you right, you are not interested in changing or preventing this. Is it agreeable to you that we go our separate ways?"

"I think that's what we have to do."

"Alright. I love you, want you to do well, and I'd like a cooperative divorce. We can meet for lunch and discuss what we want out if it, but in the meantime I would like you to leave. This feels hostile."

"Ok."

And we went back and forth about when. I told him I wasn't comfortable with this happening in his timeline bc it would take forever. He said something about his lack of ability. I offered to call his friends and find him a couch bc I had the ability do that. He declined and said he could manage his own affairs. I took the day off work bc I nonlinger trust him to be home alone, God knows what else he feels entitled to. He just said he would give me an update today about his timeline and plans. I feel safe enough, I don't think he will try anything but more hair splitting and posturing today.

I feel really ok about this. At peace. I do love him, we had some happy times, and he did work on things a bit when he came home. But under all that is a guy who just isn't interested in trying to be here, pulling his weight, or taking responsibility for himself. His parting comment to me yesterday, "I hope those sandwiches were worth it to you." In another time that would have launched me into trying to explain/discuss/get into it, but I just nodded and left the room.