Well, I have nothing useful to add here, so take that!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thanks, MB. Maybe I'll have that put on a t-shirt!
Last week I went to a blues fest with a meet-up group, and met a lady that I took to be about 10 years older than me. She asked if I was in any other groups and I mentioned one that has "over-40" in the name. She told me I didn't look old enough to be in that group. I told her I loved her. Ha!!!!!
I will not have STBX on my mortgage. I don't think he'd qualify anyway. I have looked carefully into all this and the alimony & child support will count against him in the debt-income ratio. That plus his existing rent, which is very high as swank downtown bachelor pads don't come cheap even in this little town, will put even my mortgage out of his range. (his rent is about the same as my mortgage payment would be. If I could get one.)
Today was rough. I can not go without a lawyer in this divorce. STBX is a knowledgeable fellow with a lot going on and a demonstrated will to lie and manipulate me to get his way. My lawyer is doing due diligence at his business to verify STBX's employment contract which I don't have and wouldn't understand if I did, and STBX was complaining that it was "humiliating" to him to have those questions raised. He wanted me to call off the attorney and trust everything he says about complicated compensation agreements that I don't understand at all. Even the email in which he promised to be fair and reasonable suggested that HE keep the largest asset in question and administer it himself "for the kids' benefit." Then my lawyer forwarded a string of emails to me in which it was clear STBX was trying to manipulate my L to accepting his word for all that without verification. Then STBX called me because it's his night with the kids and he didn't know where they were (he could have if he'd looked at the calendar or called the babysitter or asked me when he arranged to take the kids tonight, but he didn't; he just took it for granted that everyone would be where he decided they would be). And in the call he basically accused me of wasting "the kids'" money and told me that my L is a shark and "he knows that type" and that the guy was just racking up fees to scr#w us. (He's not, you should see how piddly my case has been thus far).
STBX makes 10x more than I do. And he's just 40. My salary isn't enough to pay for childcare plus the grocery bill. No WAY am I going to bat face to face with him. I'm trusting, I'm loving, maybe I'm even sometimes a little naive, but I'm not flat-out stupid. I need someone who understands all this stuff and is motivated to stand up for me.
I told STBX that I don't trust him ONE LITTLE BIT and that I needed someone knowledgeable to keep an eye on my best interests. He was angry and tried to push it and I just said no. I'm not his wife anymore. I don't have to be a team player. This is what "every man for himself" feels like. He just never knew it before.
I know this isn't DB but I've been holding this garbage in all day and I feel sick. I feel like STBX is targeting me unfairly just for having been his wife when he was tired of being married and I'm supposed to just lie down and accept yet MORE cr@p from him after already taking SO MUCH and that I'm going to start hearing a lot of fight from him because I won't roll over and do what he says.
I have a life I have to plan for myself. I have a life I have to plan for my kids. I fully expect him to move (far) away from our town before D11 is even driving (he's practically come out and said he would). I've already spent 17 years at his mercy. I don't want to trust my future to his lies and self-interest too.
Thank you for listening to my vent. This is not how things should be. I don't even care what happens to him, if the karma bus finds him or not. As far as I'm concerned, he's cheating himself out of a lovely life with wonderful people and exciting adventures and the karma bus has hit him already. He just can't tell.
GRRRRRRRRRR.
I think it's good that you told him honestly that you were going to have a L. I did the same, we never got there but I would not have done a D without one because it is a business negotiation.
You don't have to explain that decision to anyone. You don't have to lie down and take crap from anyone.
However... And please read this in the spirit intended with all due respect, try to let go of characterizing everything he does or says. It immediately puts you in the position of victim. You don't have to be in that place.
When he acts like King Baby can you, in your mind, think "FU, not a snowballs chance in he!!" and move on? It's not easy but otherwise you churn this negative stuff that serves no purpose.
You really don't need to know why he acts as he does, you just need to know your boundaries and who you want to be.
It's hard to tell here if you're blowing off steam or if you're really biting the hook. Either way, carry with you the knowledge that you get to decide what you let into your head.
No one believes him, probably not even him.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
