Maybell XXXII

[labug]

When we respond to things we're coming from wherever we are. I try not to take responses personally, even if it was meant to be snarky, it's all good. Hope that makes sense.

raliced's idea is worth considering. Don't let your anger with him get in the way of something that might be beneficial to you and the kids. Take some time to think about it.

[bdub]

There are pros and cons to leaving the attorneys out of it. Consider it carefully.

renting is a good short term option. If you are trying to get things untangled with H, having him sign on a mortgage might not be the best idea. However, if your ideal home falls into your lap, it is an idea that could work.

[claire7]

Labug, don't mean to hijack but could definitely use your perspective on my thread if you get a chance. I would appreciate it so much.

[Maybell]

I will not have STBX on my mortgage. I don't think he'd qualify anyway. I have looked carefully into all this and the alimony & child support will count against him in the debt-income ratio. That plus his existing rent, which is very high as swank downtown bachelor pads don't come cheap even in this little town, will put even my mortgage out of his range. (his rent is about the same as my mortgage payment would be. If I could get one.)

Today was rough. I can not go without a lawyer in this divorce. STBX is a knowledgeable fellow with a lot going on and a demonstrated will to lie and manipulate me to get his way. My lawyer is doing due diligence at his business to verify STBX's employment contract which I don't have and wouldn't understand if I did, and STBX was complaining that it was "humiliating" to him to have those questions raised. He wanted me to call off the attorney and trust everything he says about complicated compensation agreements that I don't understand at all. Even the email in which he promised to be fair and reasonable suggested that HE keep the largest asset in question and administer it himself "for the kids' benefit." Then my lawyer forwarded a string of emails to me in which it was clear STBX was trying to manipulate my L to accepting his word for all that without verification. Then STBX called me because it's his night with the kids and he didn't know where they were (he could have if he'd looked at the calendar or called the babysitter or asked me when he arranged to take the kids tonight, but he didn't; he just took it for granted that everyone would be where he decided they would be). And in the call he basically accused me of wasting "the kids'" money and told me that my L is a shark and "he knows that type" and that the guy was just racking up fees to scr#w us. (He's not, you should see how piddly my case has been thus far).

STBX makes 10x more than I do. And he's just 40. My salary isn't enough to pay for childcare plus the grocery bill. No WAY am I going to bat face to face with him. I'm trusting, I'm loving, maybe I'm even sometimes a little naive, but I'm not flat-out stupid. I need someone who understands all this stuff and is motivated to stand up for me.

I told STBX that I don't trust him ONE LITTLE BIT and that I needed someone knowledgeable to keep an eye on my best interests. He was angry and tried to push it and I just said no. I'm not his wife anymore. I don't have to be a team player. This is what "every man for himself" feels like. He just never knew it before.

I know this isn't DB but I've been holding this garbage in all day and I feel sick. I feel like STBX is targeting me unfairly just for having been his wife when he was tired of being married and I'm supposed to just lie down and accept yet MORE cr@p from him after already taking SO MUCH and that I'm going to start hearing a lot of fight from him because I won't roll over and do what he says.

I have a life I have to plan for myself. I have a life I have to plan for my kids. I fully expect him to move (far) away from our town before D11 is even driving (he's practically come out and said he would). I've already spent 17 years at his mercy. I don't want to trust my future to his lies and self-interest too.

Thank you for listening to my vent. This is not how things should be. I don't even care what happens to him, if the karma bus finds him or not. As far as I'm concerned, he's cheating himself out of a lovely life with wonderful people and exciting adventures and the karma bus has hit him already. He just can't tell.

GRRRRRRRRRR.

[claire7]

Maybell, it's so strange that these men have become nearly unrecognizable.

Hang in there. I'm glad you've got a good support team. I think you are right not to trust him at his word. This situation makes people do wacky things out of their own fear.

It's a bit eery how our sitch have followed such a similar pattern. Now, I often shake my head in wonder and pity thinking about my STBX (time to start calling him that.)

There may be no more divorce busting for us, but there is certainly kick-@$$ life-making. A lot of the same rules apply.

(((Maybell)))

[Maybell]

Actually, on the L thing STBX is being pretty recognizable. He always thinks of other experts as charlatans waiting to defraud gullible people of their money and congratulates himself on being above all that. In giving me a hard time about it he's practically calling me an inflammatory sheeple.

I do find it interesting how similar our two sitches are. Maybe because we're both relative old-timers at this?

[claire7]

old-timer. awesome. ;-)

[Maybell]

I'm a lot older than you. Don't complain, whipper snapper.

[claire7]

by "a lot" you mean "not much at all"! Gotta update my signature, since I'm such an old timer at this that a birthday has come and gone.

[KGirl]

Tehehe.. I have to chuckle because I do kind of think STBX's L took advantage of him and he was pretty gullible. He said he was hiring someone just to write the settlement agreement but somehow now she's doing his financial disclosure for him, running documents to the courthouse (and mailing them to me!) and all sorts of other administrative work that he is perfectly capable of on his own. And then he complained about the bill and how he probably won't get any refund from his retainer (he put down $3000 and was under the impression from his lawyer that it would take under $1000 but now most of it is gone). Silly him! Oh well, his money, not my money or any kid's money going down the drain.

I do sometimes wonder what happened to some of the people that posted back when I was first on here (or you both were first on here) and then they just disappeared... like 3boyzmom, bluesgal, artsy, there was a hope with some different numbers, too.

I think I've come to some similar conclusions - my STBX is just really not capable at this point of the work and effort it takes to be in an M or serious R. And really, who wants to stay in an M where the other person is only looking out for #1 (themselves)?