Hi everyone. I'm new on here. A few weeks ago out of nowhere my husband says he wants a divorce. He has never come out with anything like this before- we rarely argue. Been married almost 2 years and have a baby. He had been a bit moody but nothing indicating marital problems. Still having sex but not as regularly as I admit I have been more focused on the baby. He has since told me he loves me as a friend. That we can stay living together. That he finds me attractive/ fancies me. And when he looks at me he wants passionate sex with me. But despite that he still says he wants a divorce. I felt he was depressed and he agreed but went to the doctors and told the doctor that he was fine and nothing wrong with him and was not sure why I made the appointment for him to be there. I feel like I'm clinging on to hope that he would snap out of it as I think if he has these feelings surely that means we should be together and work at it?
Please help!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the best place during a difficult time.
Did you notice a shift in your H's demeanor towards you? If so, when? Was it after the baby was born?
How long were you together before you got married?
You mentioned that you rarely argued. Any complaints from your H?
It is a good idea to fill in your signature with the details of your situation. Go to the top of the page and "My Stuff" and then click on the "edit profile" tab. It will help us, help you.
If you haven't already, get your hands on The Divorce Remedy and read it asap, read other threads and the material on the homepage of this site. Of course read all the material that Cadet so kindly provided for you.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Cherry, if you read the other threads here you will realize there is a definite pattern. And that pattern, in most of the cases of men who follow that script, is that they are having an affair.
Of course, I didn't want to believe it in my case, but I eventually found out it was true. This doesn't mean you should start throwing out accusations, but it does mean that you should brace yourself -- emotionally, financially, and legally, for that possibility. Especially since you have a young child.
I'm sorry you have found yourself here, but you are in good company to guide you. Take care of yourself and your child first and foremost and you will be fine.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks for replies. He has been messaging a lot- changed passwords, constantly out so I have my suspicions. But why say that he still has feelings for me and I turn him on and that he still wants me to live in the house with him? Surely if you wanted to move on you would want your ex gone? He's like a teenager he just makes no sense whatsoever. We had been together 10 months before marriage and he started being like this when baby was around 5 months old
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
We've also had sex a couple times since he told me this- which he instigated- and it's been really passionate sex, and the look in his eye was one that made it clear he wants me.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks for replies. He has been messaging a lot- changed passwords, constantly out so I have my suspicions.
There is a reason you are suspicious. The signs point in that direction. I would highly suggest to stop sleeping with him, otherwise you might be putting yourself at risk.
There is a thread that was extremely active a couple of weeks ago, that will be helpful for your situation. Let me find it, and I will link it for you. Read it first, before you do anything. Have a plan.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I just feel like he has been neglected since baby came along. I guess I thought I was in a secure marriage. But I still don't get why he's saying he wants me living with him still and that he still has feelings for me and finds me very attractive yet he wants to do this
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, I am going to go with what LITB said that there is probably an affair going on, whether it is an EA or PA. In my sitch, the same exact thing happened the moment the A started - all passwords were changed, FB had phone notification on attempts to login, constantly on the phone/hiding it. Is he focusing on improving his looks through clothes or working out?
One thing I would suggest, because I was the victim of this, is that you start turning more positive attention towards him. Keep in mind that I do not mean the pursuing kind. I mean show him that he is of worth. When my son was born, my W turned all attention towards him, and I began to feel neglected. All I wanted was some quality time with her as well.
The other thing to keep in mind is that he has the stability and longer-standing R with you to fall back on. If after 5 months of feeling neglected, he could just be enjoying the attention another woman is giving him - something he hasn't gotten as much of from you.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
