I asked my wife to move out of our house. I told her I was sick of her hurting me. I have dug myself a hole with reasoning and pleading and this is probably just more of the same emotional behavior from me.
Wife has carried on with OM and continues to do so every day. It is a long distance relationship so the EA remains as torrid as ever. They seem blissfully stuck in the honeymoon phase. She started talking about what we would do with the kids if she moved 4 hours away, saying she would have them most of the time and I would get 1 weekend a month and summers, and coincidentally 4 hours away is the distance to OM. And it pushed me over the edge... yet again.
She has only been in this man's physical presence one time when she lied to me and took a flight to spend a weekend with him. How can she be so emotionally involved with him? I have found evidence of highly sexual phone conversations, text messages and photos she is sending him. Things she never did with me. I am jealous of how adventurous she has become for this man. We have not ML for about two months.
My wife has nothing but sympathetic influences in her ear - OM, her parents, her friends, her therapist. I've only tried to do right by her and provide for her and our kids. But somehow I am made out to be the bad guy in all this and everyone she knows is validating it.
I see no path to reconciliation for us. She's told me verbatim many of the quotes from DR WW anecdotes. I never loved you. We got married for the wrong reasons. I'm not happy and I deserve more than mediocre happiness. I don't want to be with you.
Our history is completely rewritten and she is convinced we never shared a single happy moment together.
We are well on our way to changing the lives of our two baby girls, blowing up six years together, the life we built and the future we were building, all of our family and friend connections, all of it. Over a man she has known for less than a year and seen only once.
She is completely detached from me. I should take notes from her. NOBODY is better at detaching than a WW.
Maybe it's not too late for me to turn it around and become the man only a fool would leave. Maybe I can attract my wife to my picnic patiently over time. But I have struggled with this from the start. How do I realize my full potential when i walk around every day in a constant state of grief and depression? How do you just snap out of that and act cheerful and detached? I truthfully haven't been able to do this even once.
What kind of man was I before I met my wife? The man she was attracted to when we first met?
I don't remember. I have no idea who I am anymore.
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
Open question for LBS out there: What have you found to be the best way to tell family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. about divorce or separation?
I haven't told a soul besides my therapist and this web site. It's a combination of shame and wishful thinking that everything would work out.
Do I tell anyone about the affair stuff? WW has said she's really nervous about the kids finding out someday and wants to keep it a secret from them. For me, I want support but I think I want privacy more. I don't want anyone to be overbearing while I work through it. I kinda want to be left alone.
What worked well for anyone else out there?
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
Your WW sounds just like mine. The script is just amazing. It's like they all got together and said, "This is what we're going to do. We all must do the SAME thing to our husbands." It would be more fascinating if it wasn't happening to me.
Anyway, W and I are telling our kids tomorrow. We met with a therapist months ago to discuss the discussion. Basically, fill the kids full of B.S. is what the therapist told us. I didn't like the guy at all to be honest. The first thing he said after we told him about our sitch was that some people shouldn't be married.
He did have some good points to focus on. Focus on that it's not the children's fault. That mom and dad will always love them and protect them. Keeping it general and to not let the reasons be known. If your W is like mine, she blows everything under the rug and makes this all out to be no big deal. Hopefully, that will be a bit of advantage tomorrow.
The therapist also said that the kids will constantly ask questions out of the blue about specifics. Just keep answers general and positive. Even if you're about to have a nervous breakdown, you have to refocus and put on the happy face. I hate the thought of having to do that. Seems like lying.
I would be interest to hear how others here have discussed it with their kids.
I try not to talk to family too much. My W told me she told her mother last night and her mother was not happy. I was shocked she hadn't told her already. My parents pretty much spew in her direction, which I do not like at all.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Open question for LBS out there: What have you found to be the best way to tell family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. about divorce or separation?
I haven't told a soul besides my therapist and this web site. It's a combination of shame and wishful thinking that everything would work out.
Do I tell anyone about the affair stuff? WW has said she's really nervous about the kids finding out someday and wants to keep it a secret from them. For me, I want support but I think I want privacy more. I don't want anyone to be overbearing while I work through it. I kinda want to be left alone.
What worked well for anyone else out there?
Newbie Here But personally I only told 1 person W and I were having problems for the first 6 months. After W moved out I told my parents. Now everyone is finding out because she is promoting the upcoming D. My thought was I always thought we would get through this and I did not want any to have ill feelings against her.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Generally, no. I don't see that that helps anything. You can simply say you didn't want the divorce. People usually will stop at that.
Quote:
WW has said she's really nervous about the kids finding out someday and wants to keep it a secret from them.
Too bad, so sad. The kids will eventually find out. Your W's die is already cast. The tough part for you is what you want to look like when they do. You will either be on the right side or the wrong side of that. Your kids will judge each of you based on how they've seen you behave.
Now keep in mind that if you D, you will be co-parenting with your W for a good while, and you will have to get along to some degree, and it will be beneficial for your kids to have some respect for each of you, so you gain nothing by running down your W. And your kids don't have a choice between you either, they're stuck with both of you, so again, don't put them in a bad spot.
So if you remember that it's not your job to judge your W or throw her under the bus, it's a little easier. By the same token, it's certainly not your job to lie for her either. She has the responsibility for her relationship with the kids, not you.
Quote:
For me, I want support but I think I want privacy more. I don't want anyone to be overbearing while I work through it. I kinda want to be left alone.
Reveal only to the extent you need help. Everyone will have an opinion, and you will get lots of conflicting advice that is generally aimed at a short term fix from people who don't have to live with the consequences of their advice. In the end, it will be up to you to decide how and with whom you want to live, and what you need to do to be comfortable with your decisions.
I asked my wife to move out of our house. I told her I was sick of her hurting me. I have dug myself a hole with reasoning and pleading and this is probably just more of the same emotional behavior from me.
Wife has carried on with OM and continues to do so every day. It is a long distance relationship so the EA remains as torrid as ever. They seem blissfully stuck in the honeymoon phase. She started talking about what we would do with the kids if she moved 4 hours away, saying she would have them most of the time and I would get 1 weekend a month and summers, and coincidentally 4 hours away is the distance to OM. And it pushed me over the edge... yet again.
She has only been in this man's physical presence one time when she lied to me and took a flight to spend a weekend with him. How can she be so emotionally involved with him? I have found evidence of highly sexual phone conversations, text messages and photos she is sending him. Things she never did with me. I am jealous of how adventurous she has become for this man. We have not ML for about two months.
My wife has nothing but sympathetic influences in her ear - OM, her parents, her friends, her therapist. I've only tried to do right by her and provide for her and our kids. But somehow I am made out to be the bad guy in all this and everyone she knows is validating it.
I see no path to reconciliation for us. She's told me verbatim many of the quotes from DR WW anecdotes. I never loved you. We got married for the wrong reasons. I'm not happy and I deserve more than mediocre happiness. I don't want to be with you.
Our history is completely rewritten and she is convinced we never shared a single happy moment together.
We are well on our way to changing the lives of our two baby girls, blowing up six years together, the life we built and the future we were building, all of our family and friend connections, all of it. Over a man she has known for less than a year and seen only once.
She is completely detached from me. I should take notes from her. NOBODY is better at detaching than a WW.
Maybe it's not too late for me to turn it around and become the man only a fool would leave. Maybe I can attract my wife to my picnic patiently over time. But I have struggled with this from the start. How do I realize my full potential when i walk around every day in a constant state of grief and depression? How do you just snap out of that and act cheerful and detached? I truthfully haven't been able to do this even once.
What kind of man was I before I met my wife? The man she was attracted to when we first met?
I don't remember. I have no idea who I am anymore.
How about you change your approach? In several statements you are determining your current GPS position, assessing the various roads ahead, and providing a probability analysis of success for each route.
STOP!
Assess your situation:
Who you are
Who you want to be
What you want
At what cost you are willing to get what you want
What your boundaries are
Get a tangible list in your hand (keep it in your wallet) and use it as a roadmap to remind you of the truth so that you don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions run the show.
Figure out what the RIGHT things to do are, and focus on doing them nomatterwhat. Where you are, the road ahead, and probabilities based on emotional swings are not relevant or helpful in any fashion.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Zew, thank you for the insightful reply. Your words truly spoke to the uncertainty I have in my head and heart about dealing with divorce. Thank you
Quote:
How about you change your approach? In several statements you are determining your current GPS position, assessing the various roads ahead, and providing a probability analysis of success for each route.
STOP!
Assess your situation:
Who you are
Who you want to be
What you want
At what cost you are willing to get what you want
What your boundaries are
Get a tangible list in your hand (keep it in your wallet) and use it as a roadmap to remind you of the truth so that you don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions run the show.
Figure out what the RIGHT things to do are, and focus on doing them nomatterwhat. Where you are, the road ahead, and probabilities based on emotional swings are not relevant or helpful in any fashion.
-PM
PM, thank you so much for the reply. Please help me understand more clearly. I am lost and I need to change my approach. I want to live honestly and do the right thing. Those words sound so refreshing in the midst of all I am going through if that makes sense.
When I create my list, is this in the context of my marriage, my career, my kids, spirituality, morals, or all of the above? What is the scope of this introspection? I want to do it, I really do. My actions have followed my emotions up and down for the past 6 weeks. I don't want to do that anymore.
So say in practical terms, if one of my boundaries is that I cannot participate in an open marriage, how would I do the right thing with respect to that boundary being steamrolled everyday?
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
PM, thank you so much for the reply. Please help me understand more clearly. I am lost and I need to change my approach. I want to live honestly and do the right thing. Those words sound so refreshing in the midst of all I am going through if that makes sense.
When I create my list, is this in the context of my marriage, my career, my kids, spirituality, morals, or all of the above? What is the scope of this introspection? I want to do it, I really do. My actions have followed my emotions up and down for the past 6 weeks. I don't want to do that anymore.
So say in practical terms, if one of my boundaries is that I cannot participate in an open marriage, how would I do the right thing with respect to that boundary being steamrolled everyday?
*I* would (and did) create a list that included everything I needed to think about. I wanted to ensure every facet of my entire life was accounted for, but it all fit neatly on a small sheet of paper that I folded up in my billfold. (It's funny how important life lessons, skills, and perspectives are applicable to all areas.)
I would not be a part of an open marriage. That is not to say I would immediately have divorce papers drawn up, but I would not be willing to engage with a W at any level who is actively in another relationship. I would not respond to any communication that was not about my children.
But that is me, and that is, if I recall correctly, actually counter to a lot of "win your spouse back" advice. So you have to find your own bearings and your own barometer. I know mine, and I won't let anyone's advice let me compromise my core values.
So the answer to that question really has to come from you. Really think about what your boundaries are and how you would enforce them according to however you derive your value system. Be certain those come from YOU, then stand firm in your convictions no matter what your feelings are telling you at any given time.
These are some of the beautiful consequences of an authentic introspective look such as this. You find out who you really are and you master the art of self-discipline. This is what I would call "true manliness" that has been chased out of our culture, but that is an aside.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
So say in practical terms, if one of my boundaries is that I cannot participate in an open marriage, how would I do the right thing with respect to that boundary being steamrolled everyday?
The way I see it is whenever you make this statement to a woman who is wayward, you had better be sitting on ready. It is not a threat to her. You can't control her. So what does that leave? You have to be the one to remove yourself from the open M, if you can't tolerate it. She obviously can live in an open M.
I am not saying anything is wrong with this boundary. I am saying that sometimes men read it here as an example on the board and think, "Yeah, that's what I'll tell her! She'll get her act together then." Not true.
You are telling her what YOU can't tolerate, not what she has to do. That is her decision to make. If she does nothing about it (as in ending her A), you then assume she is fine living in an open M and you plan to to leave.....or ask her to leave (which again, you can't make her do). If you use her refusal to leave as your excuse for remaining with her.....you have lost your standing. I have seen men do that here on the board, and if they knew how weak it looked in the eyes of the WW, they would never have made that statement in the first place!
Be careful, Bing. You are still trying to use something to snap her out of her waywardness. You will end up cutting off your nose to spite your face, if you aren't careful. You always follow through when you lay a boundary. Otherwise, what good does it serve?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
