This is very good, so now you have your 180 behaviour. The next review is how is W coping with the new Joe?
I will post back to you a longer post, it is the middle of my working day here.
Do you feel less frantic now about this? Action is always better than words I feel.
The strategy we have used together is called reframing, about finding the positives to make changes. This is what an old teacher of mine called the virtuous spiral, in that once we make some positive changes then more follow, the reverse of the negative spiral. ironically this teacher was called Mrs V, so maybe I chose my name to develop a little of her insight. IDK
So which of your actions can you do today?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you V. Yes I am feeling so much better about all this. I feel amazing. I feel so at peace!! Not frantic. No panic at all. Not stressed. Very positive!
I believe W is responding well already. Although that is not why I am doing this. I saw a different person last night. She sent me a couple texts which I responded to with confidence and short answers. I am doing this for ME.
Today I will greet her very positive and acknowledge her day. I will thank her for the small things she does today.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I would like to share what I am struggling with tonight. Resentment! Since this is something I struggle with a lot. How do others deal with resentment in our situations.
My resentment tonight was started because my wife was back to her normal behavior tonight. Work is more important than everything. Even helping her daughter with her nails before her music concert tomorrow. Last night she was actually acting like her old self. But she was off work last night. It seems like when she works, her attitude changes to a stuck up not so nice person. Than my resentment starts. Tonight I actually had doubts about whether I wanted to repair our R. It is hard to look at her the same way when she sells phone sex. It hurts me!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I had a similar night last night, as the OM is still in the picture, but in the end, you have to be who YOU want to be, not who you are based on what they do. Their choices are just that, theirs.
Its tougher than hell! It hurts, you'll cry, from sadness, rage, hurt, all the above. But give yourself that time to do it. Don't push it away. Grieve a bit, it helps you find your resolve. Men, especially just haven't grown up with complex emotions and how to deal with them as well as women (not saying similar situations for women would be ANY less hard).
Toe the line. Keep your resolve. If she falters, be the rock that stays put in your feelings and boundaries. In the coming weeks and months, doing this will help YOU. And she'll either come around, or she won't. Its a sucky thing to think about, but thinking about that possibility makes it more real, allows you to deal with the emotions around it, process, and truly be stronger for it.
I FEEL your pain man. It [censored]. Its totally unfair. But don't get stuck in a victim mentality. You're learning amazing things now, and you're going to be a better man, partner, and person through all of this.
Re-read through Sandi's 37 points daily. It REALLY does help. Make it part of your morning, and nightly routine, and whenever you're feeling "off". Make sure to write down what you believe deep inside about yourself too. My list goes like this:
I AM:
Improved and improving daily!
Strong both as a man, a partner, and a father
Powerful, both in mind, body, and spirit
Emotionally Connected with myself, and those around me that are willing and open
A positive role model for my children, my family, and my friends
Honest, Trustworthy and in control of my emotions
Deserving of affection, from myself, and from others
Use it, just like the 37 points. Live it. Falter. Pick yourself up. And then continue.
It [censored] for us right now. But its going to get better in the future.
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
Thanks swabby! Good post. My resentment is not so much of a victim type. I don't get to feeling like that because of what is happening to me. I sometimes start actually disliking my wife when I think about what she is doing. I know that sounds bad. Something I need to work on for myself. I dislike that she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
That i understand. The resentment. I feel it with my W as well with the continuance of her friendship with the OM and the belief that she's not doing anything wrong.
I think though that its similar. We have to let them come around to the reality on their own, while maintaining our boundary for ourselves.
You'll still feel bitter, unheard, and hurt she's not seeing it. Thats just a time thing. It will dull if you just keep your head up and stay firm with what YOU believe is right for you.
Love this one: "Don't spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door".
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
