Susana (9) - I'm tired

[susana4]

I'm tired...too tired to come up with a good song/thread title. (Oh wait, apparently it is a song).

Last thread:
Susana (8) - You can't keep hold of anything

[susana4]

So...not the best example of setting the bar but I think it went ok in the end after some initial f ups.

H got home and wasn't in a very good mood (complaining about money again). We chatted a bit and then he said he was sorry he missed the nachos and asked if I ate them. I didn't feel like it had been long enough since he got back but because he brought it up I decided to say
So I said "thank you for apologising, when you bailed on our plans and didn't apologise in your text I felt disrespected and hurt and like my time didn't matter".

He just got defensive and said "sorry I made you feel disrespected but it was Mother's Day"

He then got up and walked away and said he would make us teas.

I was annoyed at him leaving but decided the STFU and after a minute he said "look I am sorry, I do respect your time and I was sad to miss the nachos too."

I said "I really do understand its Mother's Day and why you felt you should stay but you didn't apologise in the text" he said something like "I wasn't thinking straight when I sent that text"

I then got really angry because I felt like he was offering excuses instead of apologies and no validation so I made mistake no 2 and said "ok I know I can't make you apologise" and started to walk away and he said "I am apologising". I said "well it doesn't feel like an apology" and he looked really angry but then took a deep breath and said "I am sorry, I was really sad, I was looking forward to watching the f1 together, and I understand"

And I was like "ahh that's what I needed to hear" and then he gave me a hug.

I said it was hard for me to tell him and he said "I know it's asked thank you so much for telling me" and hugged me again. I thanked him for listening.

I ended up crying a little, I know I shouldn't have. I asked if he wanted to watch the f1 tomorrow and he just said "no i saw the first 10 minutes and it wasn't that good" and that's what made me cry (I know, ridiculous). He asked why and I said "oh I was just trying to suggest an alternative" and he said "that's really nice, let's watch next time and tomorrow lets see something else"

I also explained what validation is to him (just in a factual way, I didn't actually ask him to do it I just explained the technique) and he said
"Hmm ok I think I'll get it I'll try to remember".

[susana4]

Sorry for all the typos!

The negatives/what I'd do differently:
-I think I approached it too soon after he got home
-maybe I should have waited till tomorrow so I was less emotional
-I cried when he said the f1 race wasn't that good and we shouldn't watch it tomorrow (I think I felt rejected, and like nothing I offered was "good enough", even though that's not true)

The positives:
-it felt good
-I didn't speak to him in an angry way like I would have in the past
-it seemed to take him awhile to process his feelings but in the end he seemed genuinely sorry
-i think it helped when I STFU after he walked away, and let him work through his feelings/what to say instead of following him and forcing him to talk
-he did genuinely seem to be interested in remembering validation
-he suggested another activity (watching the next f1) and expressed that he'd "really been looking forward to watching it all together"

[susana4]

I miss H so badly today. I'm stuck in bed with a throat infection and really I just want a cuddle, and I miss him. So I'm going to rant, please forgive me sounding really pathetic!

Earlier I apologised to H for being too argumentative in the past (this is something my DB coach and I discussed, as a way to get him to talk more about his feelings - but it didn't seem to work, to borrow Vanilla's expression I guess his speakers still aren't connected and this didn't connect them). He replied with "And I'm sorry for not arguing enough." Then he looked at me and said "you really don't need to apologise" and gave me a long hug/held me for a few minutes. I looked up and he was staring at us holding each other in the mirror. I looked too and it made me so happy and sad at the same time.

I really miss my H. I miss snuggling on the sofa together and watching a movie. Over the past few months he has started sitting closer and closer to me on the sofa, until last night we were pressed right up against each other arm to arm...and it was so hard not to reach out to him.

I miss our cuddles before we went to bed and when he woke me up in the morning. Every morning now when he comes to wake me up he leans over and gives me a hug and presses his cheek against mine and I so badly want to just pull him into bed.

I miss walking to work together holding hands. I miss our dates nights, and spending our weekends exploring together and going on adventures and trying out new things.

I miss telling him ILY and him telling me. I miss talking about our problems, and our hopes and dreams for the future, and planning the future. I miss feeling like I was so loved and supported I could take on anything. I miss knowing our love made me stronger.

Last summer we took a tango class together. We had to switch partners on each song. H was really awful with every other woman in the place - constantly stepping on their feet and one woman even shouted at him. I was decent but not fantastic when I had to partner with the other men. But when we danced together, H and I were amazing, one of the best couples in the class, and the teacher remarked how smoothly we danced together and how we just seemed to know what the other was thinking. I miss just "knowing" H.

I know I will be fine on my own. I actually really enjoy being single and living on my own and just being able to do whatever I want. I don't need my H. But I love him, and I miss him, and I want him in my life.

I know this isn't really my problem. We had a few minor problems in our M, but I don't believe they were big enough to D over. I really think overall we had a really good, even amazing, M. All our friends remarked on how well suited we were. I think this is a problem within him. I just don't understand how it happened so suddenly.

I just miss my husband today, and it's hard when he feels so close yet just out of reach.

My coach said in our last call she thinks he's more in than out. But I just miss him being all in. And I'm scared.

Sorry for today's pathetic rant.

[Sotto]

I agree it isn't pathetic. It's completely understandable and it all resonates with me!

Hope you feel better soon....lots of fluids for your throat!

T x

[susana4]

Thanks PM and Toots! I don't think I could say all this to people I know "IRL"/face to face, because I try so hard to be strong in front of people. But it's nice to vent sometimes so I'm glad I can vent here.

[susana4]

I think I still need to work on being more optimistic (it's one of my goals in general, not a problem in my m but I just want to be because I've always been pessimistic). I am still struggling with hope and faith vs expectations.

Like when my coach said to me she believes "much much more that he's in than out"...I just can't get that to sink in. I don't know why.

I think I am scared if I believe that, then I will end up being more disappointed. Or even that if I believe something positive, it will make it not happen. I don't know if I'm making sense. I only know that's kind of messed up!

I really feel like I need more hope and faith to continue my DB journey, I am feeling exhausted and I need faith to keep me going. I just need to make sure it's faith, and not expectations.

[Starsky309]

Susana, are you familiar with The Stockdale Paradox?

It's the best life attitude I've ever seen for balancing the difficult dance between "faith that you'll prevail in the end," and yet still "confronting the brutal reality of your current situation."

It's worth a read, including the context from which Stockdale came to believe it -- and live it.


Starsky

[susana4]

Thanks Starsky, yes I've read about it before after seeing it mentioned here on the boards. Intellectually I get it but figuring out how to put that into practice...a little bit harder.

I found a short article on it before but I'll have a look and see if I can find a longer read, maybe that will help me wrap my head around it better.

[Burger]

Hang in there Susana. I often have days like that. I miss my W terribly, I think about all the good times, the happy memories, and the many smiles and laughs. When she was by the house on the weekend she gave me along hug while crying and saying sorry, I didn’t want to let her go, was very hard.

Just know that we feel your pain and have been there, and we are here for you now. Please continue to vent to us.