Alpha and WAW - part 2

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I'm so sorry S is still in hospital - poor lad. I think in family emergencies like this, it is best to try and put your own issues about the R to one side, and help the family through it.

S doesn't want to lie ill in bed whilst you and W argue by the bedside. If your D needs taking to school, take her to school. When your S is in hospital - that isn't the time to threaten turning off the gas. In fact if your kids are living in the house, turning off the gas and water presumably isn't an option.

You may want to think about taking the focus off your W and focus on being the great Dad you want to be for your kids. That is something for you and for them. Ultimately in these sitches, your relationship with yourself and with the kids is the most important thing - Your M may or may not survive this, but you'll always be Dad to them.

Hope S improves and is home again soon. Take care Alpha.

[alpha99]

Thanks Toots,

Just to be clear, W has moved out with kids. I am barely at home myself, mainly at parents. W says she won't pay any household bills despite co-owning the place, hence my decision to turn gas off as she wants to sell anyway. W won't let kids stay with me at mo anyway.

I spent 99% of time there focused on my son. W initiated all conversation. I will take my daughter to school but finances are tough at the mo. W is receiving tax credits etc for kids but seems to spend it on clothes, nights out, make up etc. I only have my wage and spending a lot on petrol recently.

Already I'm seeing that it would be possible for me to live my life alone,.or in.time with someone else. I don't want that of course, but I am beginning to feel like if it came to it then it's something I could live with. I left hospital cos my S asked.me to.go. nothing to do with conversations with W etc, more that he's being spoilt rotten at the moment and her brainwashing is turning kids against me. His eyes lit up when I mentioned playing football in the park or going bowling when he's better. Like I say, he's being spoilt rotten, I can see their schoolwork falling behind as wife doesn't focus on them, their diets suffering as they gorge on chocolate and crisps. In other words, everything I always strived to avoid is happening in spades now, and I'm powerless to stop it at the moment. It's sickening.

[alpha99]

What could I do that would shock W into thinking my life is going on without her?

Clear the house of all my possessions in preparation for house decoration and sale.

GAL activities, poker, cinema, golf, gym, time with friends, kids.

Go on holiday on my own.

Dress smartly, be pleased with myself and positive.

[twinmom]

If the kids are not properly being taken care of then take legal steps to have them in your care.
DON'T turn this into a blame game.

And fyi thinking that your kids are being brainwashed shows you have a very negative image of your wife and that most likely seeps through during your interactions. That's not good for any relationship.

[twinmom]

What could I do that would shock W into thinking my life is going on without her?

Clear the house of all my possessions in preparation for house decoration and sale.

GAL activities, poker, cinema, golf, gym, time with friends, kids.

Go on holiday on my own.

Dress smartly, be pleased with myself and positive.

STOP, stop doing things with the purpose of getting a reaction from your wife. Make changes that are lifelong, good for YOU changes. Not "get a reaction" changes.

[twinmom]

If you don't have money for gas to take the kids to school why the he!! would you go on vacation?!?!

[alpha99]

The holiday is already booked. I wouldn't need much spending money as I'm.very frugal. It would be more just a break away from things.

Regarding shocking W, my question is a direct quote from DR.

You're right twinmom, my opinion of W's parenting skills is poor. She's just not very good at looking after them, disciplining them, doing homework, maintain a good diet etc. I can't afford expensive legal fees and also I feel that would worsen things long term.

I have tried very hard not to say anything bad about W in front of kids. I haven't really said anything bad about her to anyone. I suppose I've come here to vent a bit. I'm not nasty or angry towards her. I guess the worse thing I've said in the last 6 weeks was today when I said I don't care anymore, she coukd go to hell. Even that was in a quiet calm voice. I know I shouldnt have said it though. That's the one thing I regret from today.

If I look back this last week has been positive, she's initiated conversation, asked me how I was, looked me in the eye when talking, no mention of big D, wanted to be nice for kids...but I think it's mainly all stemmed from her excitedness over New place rather than changes in feeling towards me.

[Vapo]

Dude, take a look, you are nasty to her and you are angry. _it is hard not being angry. But don't get all judgmental and saintly. You have to own your $hit also. And I agree with twinmom. You bitching about fuel costs and you are planing a vacation.

You do need to take a good hard look at yourself. YOU ARE NOT WITHOUT BLAME IN THE DEMISE OF YOUR M. Write a list what your wife would say your faults were. Think long and hard. Then go trough all the points and asses your involment. AND BE HONEST, because you are only cheating yourself if you are not honest. Then own your mistakes and start working towards fixing them. But you have to fix them for you and not for your W. AND DROP THE ATTITUDE.

Your wife if surely not stuffing them with choc and candy and do not turn this into a blame game. And esp. with your S being in hospital you acting like an ASS in UNACCEPTABLE. Take the higher road man and don't be an A-hole.

And STOP READING INTO HER MIND AND ACTIONS, because you do not know what she thinks and frankly it is none of your business. And the sooner you face this fact, the better it will be for you.

And lastly, GET THE F... OUT OF THE VICTIM MODE AND/OR MENTALITY.

[twinmom]

Get your emotions in check.... I managed to get through labor and delivery with only one "I love you"....... when my H was living with another woman and our daughter was being born last June.

W has just called.

Son is in hospital. She thinks it is his appendix. I suddenly feel so low. She says she'll let me know in an hour or two if I can come up and see him. Apparently there's only room for one person.

I wonder how to handle this. I can see myself getting emotional at the hospital.

[alpha99]

I don't think there is going to be any sort of progress in terms of moving things forward whilst W has visions of a trouble free life in her new place. Knowing her as I do, I would give it two months tops before she is in some sort of financial mess. Only when things go wrong and her bubble gets burst do I feel things might change. Who knows how I'll feel if and when that point arrives. I do feel my love for her slowly draining over time...that does sadden me. Maybe that is because of how she is behaving right now. Maybe things would change again should she change her behaviour. I don't say that as me waiting for her to change. I am changing myself FOR MYSELF and I like the person I am becoming, more outgoing and confident, doing new things and rediscovering old ones. I just don't know at the moment if I would even want her back in the future the way things stand. As ever, this might be my emotions speaking - hence writing this here rather than speaking to her about them.

I do love my children and want them to have a happy family environment but it has dawned on me how things could never be how they were before. I see my children changing in such a short time. I love them so much.

I'm at the hospital now. After this morning I'm being a lot nicer and pleasant to to W. She is not really reciprocating. I don't expect her to, to be honest. She is being quite cold with me, not really speaking much, only being cordial when the nurses are around.

I have been reading a lot of Sandi's posts today, particularly those about LBS and how to deal with WW who is having/has had an affair. Her approach seems to be quite tough on WW, let her feel loss, detach, don't celebrate occasions, cut out acts of service, work on yourself. I have to wait at the moment because when my son is not well (hopefully he's discharged in a few hours) I can't go making big changes. I do plan on being cordial, upbeat, and positive around her as per LRT, I just wonder whether I need to cut back in other areas.

I'm writing this in stages throughout hospital visit. W varying in her responses to me, one moment kinda pleasant, the next nasty. A few minutes ago she was sat with her back to me and S. I noticed she was eating and looked across to see what. She saw me looking and blew her top, resulting in her saying she doesn't have to justify what she eats to me. I literally didn't say anything but she's certain I looked at her like scum. DB coach reckons it might be self recrimination on W's part. Who knows?

I've been testing the water by randoming allowing my text notification to go off whilst I'm here. W has noticed, not said anything but is clearly wondering who it is. She tried to glance at my I don't really get many texts from friends etc and she knows family is at work hahaha. International man of mystery I am. Each time it goes off I'm adding a sentence to this post.