Thank you Eirinn. I was just going to post today. I'll be honest. Not so good. I am struggling. I listen to all the advice ( I wish there was more posting as I read everything). It does help. I've read the DR. I'm trying to GAL. As you all know there are good days and bad days. Today is a bad day. I'm very busy at work and all I want to do is go home and sleep. I'm not sure how I wake up in the morning. I'm trying to be strong for the kids who are all upset. I took my middle one to a softball tourney out of town and my wife was home with the other two. Friday night she dropped them off at two different places so she could go out. It made me sick and there was nothing I could do about it. I don't know how much more I can take.
I am very new to this as well and still struggle, but what you need to do is just pay attention to yourself and your kids. That's what's important. If you are steady and present for your kids, it will be enough to balance their mother's emotional state. Just take it one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time, and you'll get better.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I appreciate your advice. It is literally one minute at a time. I'm sick to my stomach all the time. I've lost 20 pounds. She makes it more confusing. Today she is talking about a trip in May. I can't see past tomorrow. She is still with the other guy. Some days this is too much. We are separated living in the same house and she asked if I could do her a favor tomorrow. Normally I would but my heart says no. What am I getting out of it? She does nothing but hurt me. Advice?? Should I do it or not. I really can't see myself helping. I'm sick thinking about it.
Nope, no favors Wawjr. I just got this drilled into my head last week about my WAW. You need to show her that you will not be there for her, no matter what. Let her figure it out on her own. By you doing so, you are just showing her that you are still attached and what not. The 180 [censored], it goes against everything you believe in, but it does work. Stick to it, stick to the 37 rules, stick to the GAL. Let her figure out the rest.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Everyday I appreciate this forum more and more. The last two days I have felt stronger ( only after reading all the posts). Thank you all. That no you for the link to sandis new thread. That and the comments on there have enabled me the last few days. It is a fine line but I am starting to take things back so to speak. I have reclaimed the bedroom, at least for now but have no intention if giving it up. Her bank account is in the red by several hundred $$. I am going to separate myself from that next week and don't intend on helping her. It's still a struggle and scary but I'm trying ( today anyway). Is there anything else I can or should be doing? I appreciate the comments and quite frankly live for them right now.
Everyday I appreciate this forum more and more. The last two days I have felt stronger ( only after reading all the posts). Thank you all. That no you for the link to sandis new thread. That and the comments on there have enabled me the last few days. It is a fine line but I am starting to take things back so to speak. I have reclaimed the bedroom, at least for now but have no intention if giving it up. Her bank account is in the red by several hundred $$. I am going to separate myself from that next week and don't intend on helping her. It's still a struggle and scary but I'm trying ( today anyway). Is there anything else I can or should be doing? I appreciate the comments and quite frankly live for them right now.
Hey forum. I need some more help understanding. The W wanted to talk to me. She sent me a poem and said she was sad. She said she cried herself to sleep. We had a talk yesterday. She had a breakdown and was completely in tears. She admits she is having difficulty choosing between me and him. I find this unbelievable. She constantly tries to find the negative in me. She did say she wants to say yes to reconciling with me but stops short. She can't see it. Her words. We are attending a fundraiser tonight and I don't know how to act. I asked are we going as roommates or as husband and wife. I didn't get a real answer. I had a plan to start separating finances next week and now I am not sure how to proceed. Ugh!
Jr, does it matter what you call yourselves? Just go and have a fun time without worrying about R stuff. It's great that she wants to spend some time with you, I think. I also know she has an OM so my advice might not be spot on. I would focus on what makes you most happy at the fundraiser.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
My sitch is very similar to yours, except that my first BD was 8/2013 so I have been in this for longer. I have 5 kids. I am a physician who has worked hard to advance my career. We are still in the same bedroom (separate beds). I feel your pain as it is my own. I read through your thread and I want to address a few points in order to help you avoid some of the mistakes I made and to help you understand what you are going through.
1) I know you want your old W back. We all do. However, your W clearly has no respect for you if she openly talks to OM and spends the night with him with your knowledge. Although it will be a painful realization, your old W is completely gone. As has been recommended, read Sandi's new thread (linked above). Whatever your flaws and whatever your contribution to the breakdown in your marriage (please share at some point), you are a human being and you deserve respect. The way she is behaving towards you now is disrespectful, so why would you want her back right now? Your ego wants her back and your ego wants to feel in control again. However, it is not in your interests right now to accept your W back in your life. If you pursue her as she is abusing you (make no mistake, you are being abused right now) she will lose even more respect for you. Right now your ego is hurting. I know you want your marriage to work, but it is broken and you can't fix it until/unless your wife wants to be married to you.
2) It is normal to get upset when you see evidence of their ongoing A. It is called triggering. It is a sign of post-traumatic stress. You are hypervigilant because you have experienced a terrible emotional trauma. You are trying to control the situation - this is a natural response when someone is doing something you don't want them to do. It is the most obvious sign that you have not yet detached. Don't worry - it is early in the process. I still spy and look for evidence of the A from time to time. You can't stop the A. Only your W can do that.
3) if she is not respecting your boundaries, then you have not stated them properly or you are not enforcing them with real consequences. See the link about boundaries. Expect your wife to make you into the villain, especially if you set boundaries. She needs to build that narrative to justify her actions. She will make you feel like an A$$hole and this will make you more defensive and delicate around her. However, you need to accept the fact that right now that she will make you feel like a A$$hole NO MATTER HOW YOU TREAT HER. She needs to believe that everything is your fault.
4) The weight loss is normal. I lost 15 lb. It is a long haul and you need to take care of yourself. As hard as it sounds, you mustn't let your work falter. It will only add to your problems if you do. If you need to take a few "mental health" days off, then do so. But then immerse yourself right back in your work. I let my work slide tremendously, then my stress level increased. But guess what? my ability to handle the stress was crippled by my home situation. Think of your work as another GAL activity. It isn't one, but believe it or not, sometimes it can help you detach.
5) Document document document. your W is completely irrational right now. She is in the fog of the affair. My W made my S12 (was 10 at the time) ride his bike around the block for 2 hours on BD #2. You may be able to R down the line, but if you cannot, then it will help you to have meticulous documentation of her actions. If she leaves the children alone, or behaves negligently, you should keep a hidden log of the dates, times, details of these behaviors. If she is unreliable in your M then she may be unreliable as a parent. If she is indeed unreliable as a parent, then it may be best for your children to have more time with you. Again, she may recover, but you need to be prepared if she does not. Her abandoning her responsibilities towards her kids may be another boundary you need to set. i.e. She can carry on with OM as much as she likes, but she still has a duty towards her children. It is expected that she will uphold her responsibility as a parent.
6) You are a hero to your children. How you respond to this terrible situation can positively impact your relationship with your children. Try to keep up a PMA at home. I know it is hard, but smile whenever you can. Your W wants to see you miserable. Don't give her the satisfaction. Be even more happy with your children and spend a lot of time with them. This is akin to a GAL activity that helps you detach but clearly sends a message to your W that you are fine and moving on.
7) No favors unless it is for the children's benefit. She needs to feel the impact of her actions and the loss of her spouse if she is ever to turn around. If you are there to help her, then you are no different than a friend or acquaintance and she will take advantage of it. See EyeTie's post above. Definitely read Sandi's new thread if you have not already.
8) This whole business with the poem and crying and sadness suggests that she may be depressed. If she comes crying to you again, you cannot be a shoulder to lean on. I know you are afraid this will make you look like and A$$hole and will drive her further to OM. But she is with OM already and fully entrenched there. What you can do is validate her feelings and raise the possibility that she is depressed and may benefit from seeing a mental health professional. There is a thread on validation.
9)
Originally Posted By: Eirinn
Jr, does it matter what you call yourselves? Just go and have a fun time without worrying about R stuff. It's great that she wants to spend some time with you, I think. I also know she has an OM so my advice might not be spot on. I would focus on what makes you most happy at the fundraiser.
I am also a relative newbie, but I agree with Eirinn. It is ok to go out with your W, but go for your own enjoyment and be the life of the party.
10) regarding separating finances, I would talk to your L. If she is siphoning money into the A then your should definitely consider it. I did it when my wife withdrew $2000 to herself in the course of a month.
Kudos to you for taking back the bedroom. Looks like you are doing a great job. Keep it up. You are light years ahead of where I was at this stage.
