T, just wanted to say I admire your strength through all this. I know you had a bit of a dip in mood but really overall - you are so strong! Way to go! Hope you enjoy your ceroc weekend, that sounds like fun! x
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I'm trying to keep busy right now, and pay attention to my thoughts about the sitch. I'm trying to notice when I spend time thinking about things and take steps to improve that.
I worked from home this morning, just had lunch and I'm off to book club in a bit. This evening, I'm going along to this ladies social group for the first time - so we'll see how that goes. I feel a bit nervous about it actually!
Tomorrow - more work, and then out with a friend for the day on Saturday, then a day with Mum on Sunday. I feel I have a pretty busy and full life, doing many things I enjoy. So, I'm lucky in that sense. I just need to work on the habit of thinking about H more than is healthy for me. I guess recent events just made all that a bit worse...
Thanks for taking the time to post!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi. Toots keeping busy is always a good idea for keeping your mind trained. my L/C would always say to replace a sad thought with a good memory , not always about H but just a good memory. As usual you sound strong. Thanks for all the support , it means a lot. Take care. Rd
Having a pleasant enough day today. Nice chat at book group and in the book store. Off to a social event tonight.
H emailed today. He has done some reading on collaborative law and feels it is a good option for us. He has given me the details of his L now. I'll get back to him tomorrow I think, and confirm we should go ahead. This will start off the process of disclosure, and so on.
His L has suggested we aim for an initial meeting before Easter. So, I'm pleased in a way that he is amenable to this route. He also said he's confident we can come to an agreement. OTOH, it's all a bit horrible to be exchanging L details and so on.
The only thing is - given high costs - my L suggested not actually meeting, but working collaboratively - maybe via conference call? I'm not sure we want the L's travelling at �220/hr!
Anyway, I'm going to shelve it for now, go and meditate, then enjoy my social thing tonight. Tomorrow I'll deal with some of the practical stuff...
Hope you're all having a good day :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, had a very social day yesterday. Had a lovely chat with one of the book group members after our session. She and I have lots in common and she suggested a new GAL activity, which I'll look into. Then I popped into the bookstore and had a couple of chats there.
Last night I went to this ladies social/fundraising group. That was great! Their 'new year' is just starting and they passed round a list of social activities for people to vote on. Lots of nice stuff - theatre, walks, meals out, pot luck suppers, drumming, salsa lesson....
They were really welcoming - a nice group of 15 or so women - lively, intelligent, friendly. Seems like a great option for me. And the funny thing is - on arrival, I recognised someone too - an old school friend I hadn't seen for 30 years! So she and I had a nice talk too. This group meets up once every few weeks, so it's a new regular GAL plan for me.
Today, I'm WFH - but also have some practical things to deal with. Need to reply to H's email about legal stuff and drop documents into the solicitor etc...That's the not so nice stuff, but I just need to 'woman up' and get that done. Have a good day all! :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I just got an email from H - various things about legal arrangements all fine. But..
*He's trying to get his life back on track *He needs to resolve what he must to move forward and be happy *He doesn't want to live in two places any more *He isnt good at resolving tough things and can let them build up *He doesn't think it's right for us to formally S and resolve finances without Divorcing *That would create a possible future problem - or at least perception of one *He is as lost now as ever he was in respect of relationships *There is no impending marriage but he just needs to know things are settled properly
I think this must be the time for me to respond and say I don't want to D - but won't stand in his way if this is what he wants. Do you guys agree?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. You need the vets to chime in now but my advice would be to let him know that D is not what you want I'm not sure how you do this but i feel it needs to be done You don't want to look back and regret anything. You have DBed like a champ but you have to do what works. Seems there are clear signs your H is unsure and maybe he doesn't consider an R with you is an option
Toots you are obviously a very strong person and I hope you get some sage advice from the vets.
So, H asked me for a divorce today and I need to respond (see paraphrased email above) - Any vets advice would be very welcome!
Important context is OW returned from abroad in Feb. Since then H has returned my stuff from our city flat, and removed my pics from our MH.
I found text for an email from him to her in Jan. Saying he loves her, wants them to be together and she needs to break it off with her OM. Their R is rocky!
In late Feb, he emailed me saying he had been 'stupid' - got caught up in something, lost sight of what's important. And has never been as happy since he was with me.
I haven't seen H since Sept. He and I have only spoken once since then. I haven't said ILY, or that I want to save our M since last autumn.
Here's my draft reply:
Dear H, I'm so sorry that you feel your life has run off course. I truly only wish happiness for us both. I understand that you want to simplify your life and don't want to work and live in different places.
What I need to say is that I love you, and I don't want us to divorce. I hope that our marriage can still be saved. And if you turn back to it, you'll find me ready and willing to work on anything that undermined our happiness and wellbeing.
Of course you are free to make your own choices. I fully respect your wishes, and if you decide to file for divorce, I won't stand in your way. But I won't agree to a divorce, and I won't file for divorce, because the ending of our marriage isn't what I want.
Love, Toots.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Not sure if they have these in your jurisdiction, but what worked really well for me and the fetching Mrs. Starsky was to neither follow thru with our divorce, nor totally withdraw the action. Both of us seem to perform better with a bit of a "gun to our heads," and so we -- twice -- did a formal 3-month "stay" of the divorce action. It was sort of like a probation of sorts for us, and at first we even separated briefly and lived in two separate houses, but it was a great way for us to see if we could stave off divorce and work at the marriage while basically "dating" each other exclusively.
I'll be honest, I haven't really followed your sitch very closely at all, but your closing paragraph seems too strong and too pursuing to send to a guy who just two months ago was professing his love for his OW. His latest thoughts (in the bulleted post from you above) still seem pretty fogged out to me, and I'd treat VERY slowly if I were you.
If it were me (and it WAS me!) I would tell him something along the lines of "I don't want a divorce, and I've realized that I still love you, but there are honestly some things that would need to happen for me to feel safe and comfortable getting back together again. Not sure if you're even interested or not, but if you are, we can discuss. I didn't want the moment to pass without at least throwing it out there."
And some might say that even THAT is too much.
Your husband -- like a lot of wayward, walkaway and MLC men (and some women, too) on these forums -- still sounds like he he's very emotionally immature, and doesn't know WHAT he wants. He basically is WHINING at you ("I'm sooo unhappy, I don't know what I waaaaant") and not really saying anything definitive that would come anywhere CLOSE to a commitment.
In other words, he still sounds very BROKEN to me. I think it would be best if you two could live separated, agree to date each other exclusively (with him committing to NC with his OW, and be transparent with you!), for some period of time (3-6 mos?) to see how it goes.
x