Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Cherry]

My H is the same. Turned his back on the mum he was so close with and our 9 month old baby. It's like he wants nothing to do with any part of our family anymore. I've wondered if it's depression

[Kramer]

Newest developments:

I am so upset, frustrated, sad, and angry right now. Add confused to the mix as well. I could really use some insight and advice from you all.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, wife has now moved out to a new house and filed for divorce (January), although I still have not been served. I have been trying to limit conversations to strictly legal issues and am working on moving forward in my life. I continue with IC and GAL, and am still a part of her children's lives. She has completely written my children off since January.

Weird dynamics at play recently. We will be emailing or texting about a legal issue, and she goes off on a tangent. Most recently she says that I am always travelling, and she would never do that without me. WTF? You filed for divorce and moved out. You are still seeing OM.

She has dragged her feet and refused to provide her input regarding division of property. There was some verbal agreement on most items, and I took those items and placed them in storage before she moved. We have an SUV that is in both of our names, and we both want it. We each have our own cars, but I use the SUV to transport my bicycle for riding, and have also been using it for moving things recently. When she left, she took it with her. I didn't fight her, but told her that this would need to be negotiated as part of the divorce proceedings. I have been telling her for 3-4 days that I needed to use it, and she has not responded. I went to her house and got it last night with my spare key. Would you believe that she had placed a steering wheel lock on it? Lucky for me, it was not sized correctly, and was easily removed. I did my moving, and she then sent her 17 year old son to my house to retrieve the vehicle that night. No conversations with me. I had a lengthy talk with him, and although he was quite angry, he eventually settled down. She is using him as her pawn and involving him in things that should be between me and her. That is reprehensible, as far as I am concerned. I let him take the SUV because I did not want to escalate the drama. I emailed her and texted her, and told her that we needed to talk, and she didn't respond.

I called her this morning, and we had a lengthy conversation. She (of course) denied knowing anything about what happened. She denied receiving my texts regarding use of the vehicle. She tried to use guilt by saying that I was being selfish, and should let her have the vehicle (as well as me take most of our bills) because I treated her so poorly during our marriage. Again, WTF? I reminded her that if she was truly that unhappy for so long, that she should have done something about it at the time. She gave no inkling of being miseable until I discovered her affair. Then it was full steam ahead with moving, divorce, and rewriting history. I also reminded her that it was her that initiated divorce proceedings, and that I am simply responding. I have not yelled or been disrespectful, but I have been very clinical and regimented with my responses. California is a community property state, and our assets and bills will be divided equally. I refuse to be guilted into taking more than my fair share of the bills, and I will also be petitioning for half of her retirement. Please keep in mind that I NEVER would have responded like this until she filed divorce and had her affair. I explained to her that these are unpleasant things to discuss, but that they are a necessary part of the divorce process.

My frustrations are multiple:

1. Why does she keep trying to make me feel guilty about moving forward with my life, after she initiated these proceedings?
2. How can I have these conversations with her without coming across as a d1ck?
3. How can I maintain the high road without being drawn into petty side arguments about our relationship issues?

That's it for now. Any insight would be most appreciated. We are supposed to talk again tonight, but who knows if that will happen?

[Kramer]

Guys, please. I could really use some help here. I have been trying to hold strong, and don's want to backslide when we talk later. It may seem by the tone of my posts that I want to move forward with divorce. I do NOT want that, but I can't change or control what she does. I can only control my actions.

I want to be firm and detached without coming across as mean and indifferent. Everything is stacked against me at the moment, but I still hold out the slimmest of hopes that our R can be resuscitated and reborn.

Until then, I have to move forward in my life and improve myself.

[Joe46]

Kramer, I am not a vet. All I can tell you is I feel for you. It is hard to know what to do. But I have just recently found out how to start thinking about myself in this mess and my children. My wife is throwing the guilt trip on me also. I really got it tonight when I told her my plans for the next week. But I am thinking of myself now just like she has thought about herself all this time. I have also come to terms with whatever happens. I don't want a divorce either. But I also don't want to be someone plan b or share my wife with someone else. Maybe you should decide what YOU want. Not sure if that helps, but we are here for you. Hopefully some of the vets will help you out also.

[Kramer]

She texted me last night and was very friendly. Said that her son was cooking burgers, and that she missed my cooking. (I did all the cooking in our house, and I'm good at it). I told her that I missed cooking for everyone.

Told her that I needed SUV this weekend, and she asked if I was going to the coast. I responded with a simple No.

I'm doing my best to GAL and remain fairly dark, but the depression is mounting. I don't want to be cooking for 1 person or doing things alone. I loved being part of a family and being married. I'm good with others in a relationship, and do not like being single. This [censored].

It's ironic. These past few years, I was looking forward to when the kids all got old enough to move out so that me and my wife could reconnect and do things together, just the 2 of us. However, she was also looking forward to the kids getting older, so that she could leave me and start fresh without obligations.

[Kramer]

More thoughts...

As I mentioned earlier, I am a PA and work in Internal Medicine and Palliative Care. I deal with elderly patients all day long, and really enjoy my job.

It saddens me so much to see these elderly couples come in holding hands and showing genuine concern for each other, and realizing that I will not be able to do the same when I get older. Chances are that these people also had marital problems, but chose to work things out instead of taking the easy way out with divorce. I so wanted to grow old with my wife and be able to look back at our long life together. I feel so cheated.

[HeavyD]

Im sorry you feel cheated. If its any consolation, I feel the exact same way. I really thought I would ride off into the sunset. Sadly life does not always go according to our plans.

However, that need not be the end of our stories, who knows how they will turn out???? It's up to us!

Peace

[raliced]

Hey Kramer- A few thoughts here:

You say..

I'm doing my best to GAL and remain fairly dark, but the depression is mounting

But your posts are peppered with texts and conversations you have with her.

1. Why does she keep trying to make me feel guilty about moving forward with my life, after she initiated these proceedings?
2. How can I have these conversations with her without coming across as a d1ck?
3. How can I maintain the high road without being drawn into petty side arguments about our relationship issues?

I don't think you're really dark, Kramer. Do you have a L? I know you said you haven't been served - but it sounds to me like all these conversations about legal issues and the SUV should be handled by lawyers.

That would be my response to your #2 and #3. Stop having the conversations. You don't have young children together so there shouldn't be much to talk about.

As to #1 - these types of things exist in all the situations with a WAS. It's justification to make them feel better about their actions.

Just my .02

[Kramer]

Im sorry you feel cheated. If its any consolation, I feel the exact same way. I really thought I would ride off into the sunset. Sadly life does not always go according to our plans.

However, that need not be the end of our stories, who knows how they will turn out???? It's up to us!

Peace

Glad to know I'm not the only one, FOOLISH. I guess that's the real lesson here: learning how to be better people regardless of how R turns out.

[Kramer]

Hey Kramer- A few thoughts here:

You say..

I'm doing my best to GAL and remain fairly dark, but the depression is mounting

But your posts are peppered with texts and conversations you have with her.

1. Why does she keep trying to make me feel guilty about moving forward with my life, after she initiated these proceedings?
2. How can I have these conversations with her without coming across as a d1ck?
3. How can I maintain the high road without being drawn into petty side arguments about our relationship issues?

I don't think you're really dark, Kramer. Do you have a L? I know you said you haven't been served - but it sounds to me like all these conversations about legal issues and the SUV should be handled by lawyers.

That would be my response to your #2 and #3. Stop having the conversations. You don't have young children together so there shouldn't be much to talk about.

As to #1 - these types of things exist in all the situations with a WAS. It's justification to make them feel better about their actions.

Just my .02

raliced,

You are probably right. I am trying to justify my communication with her by trying to limit things to legal issues, but it is still fairly regular communication. In my mind, I am staying dark by not pleading, bargaining, etc but in reality I am still in regular cionversation with her.

Is it best to go COMPLETELY dark? Part of me worries that this will push her away once and for all, but then again, she's pretty much gone already.

Regarding lawyer, no I do not have one yet. Our case is so straightforward that it doesn't make a lot of financial sense to spend $5000 on a lawyer. However, it would allow me to defer the legal conversations and get me out of the loop.