Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

Had a fantastic time out with kids. A few moments of thinking about W not being there but mostly just getting on with things. Kids loved it.

When I took the kids back, only W was there. She had called me just as we were leaving restaurant but I ignores the call. Upon arriving back I said a warm hello, she replied. I handed over school bags and she said thank you. I stayed about 45 minutes with the kids and played with Lego etc. Kids asked W if she would come with us next time. She said we'll have to see. I noticed a few positive things tempered by one or two narky moments:

The good:

W spending more time in room whilst I'm there. She initiated conversation of a few occasions. she said please and thank you a few times. I asked for a glass of water and she got me one. I listened intently to her when she spoke. To begin with she'd have a fixed gaze.somewhere else but as I continued to look at her she would begin to look at me as she talked.

The bad:

She mentioned kids' reading report book and how now she is writing in it the teacher is giving better feedback than when I did. She claims I said previously she was too thick to write in said book (I never did, I said she.never bothered too as I did it). I didn't argue the toss, just said you're doing well, that's great.

At one point she entered room and I smiled. She asked why I had a smug look on my face. I said i was just smiling.

Her parents returned and were pleasant.

This may be the calm before the storm as W is definitely moving to rented place and so questions about sale of house and possessions to.come again.soon, but for now interactions are going alright and I can see little positive things. I hope this continues. The test will be handling her move without backsliding. Oh, no mention of her moving home again, no solicitor talk either. So that's a well.defined boundary now.

[alpha99]

I'm wondering how to deal with incidents like yesterday. I go to pick the kids up for school, after I speak to W, kids get in car, she comes back out and asks for a lift to school with me in car. She just wanted the lift to meet fellow school mum to go.off shopping. This is asking a favour of me. I said sure, yeah, no problem, but Im wondering whether that was the right thing to do. The theme of advice from you all in this thread has been detach and get a parenting plan. It is costing W £9 a day to take kids to school when I don't take them. I want to see my kids but if she could feel the financial strain and not be dependent on me then all the better to give her a chance to see life without me. Now she doesn't call in a morning so much as she just expects I will come to pick kids up.

I'm wondering whether to say it is costing too much in petrol for me to travel each day (she's offered petrol money but hasn't given any as of yet) and that I can only take kids school half the week. Good idea or not? It means stepping back from seeing kids. W wants them to move school next school year (from Sept). If that were to happen the new school is about 100 metres from her rented place. She wouldn't need/miss me at all in this regard. She can't move kids mid school term really so now is the chance to let her see life without me.

In the short term she'd no doubt complain I was letting kids down. I am unsure whether to go down this route or not. What do you think?

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha

I would take any thoughts of your W and helpfulness versus consequences out of the mix here. Do you like taking your kids to school, and would you like to continue doing this? I think that's the only factor here...

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

Good point. I like seeing them whenever I get the chance and would like to co tinue that, although I do have the thoughts I've expressed above.

W was already in bed today when I got there to pick kids up. S6 informs me they are going to the cinema tomorrow morning with W. I would love to go as a family event.

D5 has ballet tomorrow. I've taken her last few weeks but W is off work tomorrow and will no doubt take her. D5's ballet stuff is with me though, so W will have to contact me in order to get it. I doubt she would think ahead and ask me to bring it along when getting kids later. Might be an opening to going with W and kids.

Also, finally, we had foreign hol booked for next month. Clearly we are not going on it as a family. As part of GAL I'm thinking if going alone. No way would W let me take kids at this point. I would hate to miss the hol, would be a cheap getaway for me, with side effect of W seeing I'm not sat at home waiting on her calls.

What do you think? Good idea or not.

[alpha99]

W just called asking whether I'd be at home soon as she wanted to.come and collect documents. It turns out she means wage slips. This will of course be new property related. She thought better off it in the end, not wanting to have to travel home on two buses. She said she'll she if her work could sort it out for her. She said she'll call back and let me know her plans.

5 minutes later:

Her work is sorting out her wage slips for her, so no need to come home. She also asked about school photos that had been taken this week of the children, which size, format etc I would like to buy. We made arrangements over me letting her know. The best part, in both conversations she was borderline pleasant. No animosity in her voice, she said she'd be at her mum's when I brought the kids home and I'd see her later.

I was upbeat and friendly in tone in both calls without pushing a subject or trying to drag out the conversation. I might be proved wrong but I sense a very slight softening towards me from her.

Now, back to reading DB, as I was before she called.

[Sotto]

Again - re: the holiday, I wouldn't look at this WRT your W - but if you'd love to take the kids, why not ask? Would your W like to take them? If neither of you can - go and enjoy a solo holiday I would say!

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

I did mention the holiday about two weeks ago, on in passing and with no mention of going alone (or with kids). W said she wanted to go with kids. Since then she has found out that she hasn't been given all of her holiday requests at work and so wouldn't be able to go. The kids are on Easter holidays (the reason we originally booked to go away). I would love to go with the kids but I don't know if I could afford it now. I think some time alone would be good for me, with the added bonus that the holiday is in Italy...and I'm learning Italian.

[alpha99]

w just called again, wanting copies of statements or pictures of them sent to her. She was positively nice this time on the phone. It goes without saying that she will be nicer when she wants something from me, but there was a warmth in her voice this time. I'm not getting carried away. As I wrote earlier, since she's moving into a new place she wants what she can get from our house, and seeing some of our possessions sailing out the door is going to be hard. At the moment I'm feeling pretty good though. I've had a good week GAL, golf, poker, tea with kids, time with family, day out with kids etc. W is showing signs of being nice even when she doesn't want something. I definitely won't be getting carried away.

I'm off out in a minute to get the kids and take them back to MIL's. W will be there. I will write how that goes later. I don't plan on staying there long this evening. I wonder what the weekend holds in store.

[alpha99]

Hmmm interesting times.

Took kids back from school and spent about an hour there.

Only MIL was there when I arrived. She made me tea and gave me biscuits and was nice with me. I read with the kids and played with lego with them.

W turned up and was in quite a good mood. I gave my warm hello as she came into the room. She gave a nice hello back.

Her phone had gone off whilst she was out and so she charged it and checked messages. She had a call from her friend (the other school mum she went shopping with). It turned out later that they're out for tea this evening. But more importantly I overheard her telling her that she has a date to move into the rented place. I was playing with the kids in the same room at the time and tried not to overhear but it appeared that this Sunday she is moving in. she said on the phone that she can't wait to her friend.

She was quite friendly with me during my time there today. She initiated conversation a few times. Once about a mutual friend who has moved abroad, a few times about household bills etc (obviously with an eye to her having to pay these soon in her new place), BUT she also asked me how I was, whether I had had a good day.

I am not reading too much into this as if it was some sudden change of heart. It would appear that her upbeat mood is simply because she has had the all clear on moving into her new place.

She didn't tell me herself that she had a moving date. As I left we stood on the front step. she asked if I wanted to have the kids tomorrow and asked if I had plans. I said I love having them and had no plans during the daytime. W is taking D5 to ballet in the morning (but hasn't realised I have her ballet stuff at home) and mentioned she might go to the cinema afterwards. I said just let me know what you're doing and I can have them for a bit if you like. My hope is that in the morning when she realises she doesn't have the ballet stuff, she will have to get in touch with me and maybe we could all go to the cinema together. I certainly wasn't going to ask for an invite though.

As we stood on the doorstep I said it's nice to see you happy (as she was almost beaming). I said 'in fact, you seem particularly happy today'. She made no mention of the rented place, said she was out for tea with her friend, BUT ALSO mentioned that she doesn't want to fight with me as it doesn't get us anywhere. She said she wants to be nice with me for the children.

I left having mixed feelings about this. It is great that she is being a bit nicer towards me, and if she weren't to argue, be nasty etc towards me from now on that would be great. The downside of all this is that she appears to be so happy because things are going well for her. She is moving to a new place and is all excited about it, and doesn't seem in the slightest to be bothered about our R. When I backslid the other day she said then that she had done all her grieving over the relationship at Christmas time and now felt fine.

I suppose if we start to get on better it stands to reason that we may spend more time together in the coming weeks 'as a family'. If that is the case it gives me more opportunity to work on myself and show these changes off to her. Certainly it seems that for things to get better we would need to get on with each other better than she has been towards me recently.

Also once she is in her own place, I will no doubt be there each day to see the kids (before and after school) BUT without the awkwardness and distraction of having her parents there all the time. They have been nice but W relies on them really to cook tea for kids, mind them a lot etc. When they are gone that support network will be reduced and she will have to shoulder the responsibility. I think at this point financial concerns, feelings of loneliness might set in.

one month ago, at the time A was exposed, she said that she wanted to work things out but even so would need to rent her own place. A lot has happened since then and we seem to have gotten quite far away from those claims, but they are in the back of my mind - I would happily sell our house and move in with her in the rented place at some point in the future to be together as a family again.

I gave a little wave goodbye as I said goodbye and left. W waved back and said goodbye.

What would you make of all this? Should I be happy? Is this a necessary step in the long process to hopefully making things better. Is there reason to be down at all? In her own place W is of course free (as she sees it) to have anyone around who she likes. I do believe A is over now. My own feeling is more of being down due to it seeming like she really is moving to her own place, talk of house sale will undoubtedly follow, and possession splitting. I will try hard to get through those moments in the hope that we can slowly, slowly begin to work things out at some point in the future.

Sorry for rambling.

[Vapo]

Dude, do not try to read ANYTHING into her actions. NOTHING. If she called it quits you can be sure it was not a spur of the moment thing. And she hasn't come to the conclusion quickly, more likely than not, she's been brewing for years. So do not expect her to "come to her senses" any time soon. Do not focus on her. There is NOTHING you can do or say that will get her back to you. But here is stuff that you can to that would close the door forever. No not pursue her, do not beg, do not plead, do not reason with her. That ship has sailed.
You need to focus on yourself, you need to be the best dad you can be. You can do nothing for your W. Dress nicer, smell nicer, be groomed, get a life, go do stuff that you want to do, become a happy, confident, successful man, that only a fool would leave. And even then you might not get your W back.

You have to own your $hit. Recognize your faults, recognize your shortcomings, work on them and erase them. You also have to take a journey, you also have to better yourself, and lord knows there is plenty of room for improvement in all of us. A LOT! So keep your chin up, get a life and be the best damn self you can be.