Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[Complex]

I guess it's fine, especially when I still have time to let myself go once in a while and stay in bed an extra hour. Which I deserve by the way!

Today is one of those days where I have to hold myself back. I'm kind of desperate for some interaction with W. I wish we could have a real and sincere conversation or just do sth together. I want to show my new me. We barely see each other atm. But I have to be patient.
I have no clue what OM status is..almost certain there's no PA or anything intense going on...it's circling still but I have it under control.
In general I don't think it's a bad idea to start a little conversation when W is around, if I'm in the right mindset. Usually those are friendly. Right now it might make me miss her even more tho and I'm tempted to pursue, there's things in my head I want to say which I shouldn't. But I think I can control it. I'm def in a much better place than before, which stupidly sometimes makes me believe I can pursue her now with my new mindset.
Then on the other hand I feel very sexually attracted by W at the moment. It's been a few months..I keep thinking of her. Drives me a little crazy at the moment.

I just have to accept right now that I have no idea where my sitch is going. Most likely it will still get worse. Much worse. I want to be prepared. I'm also afraid of the fact that I can't have a clean cut and that full healing is still years away

[alpha99]

Hi Complex,

Just remember how you have been feeling recently and try not to let the bad days get you down. Looking through your recent posts it seems you have found a good place mentally. If that is the case then what you are doing is working, so keep it up!

Of course there's bad days along the way, but I'm sure you have a good idea now of how to handle them now.

[25yearsmlc]

Complex, the more I follow your sitch and learn about these interactions, the more I'm convinced that your challenge is more of a "career path" one than a "marriage/infidelity' one.

I think if your wife were more convinced of your likelihood for success and stability, she'd be back with you by now. HOWEVER, you need to decide if you want to be married to someone who -- when she doesn't feel secure financially -- not only cuts and runs, but runs to another MAN.

Starsky

This is true...and it's fair. But to be completely accurate, is it so weird for a woman to want to be with a man who can put a roof over her head and food on the table, when she wants to be a mother soon?

And fair or not, most surveys show that most women DO prefer the option of not having to work when they have children, over a life wherein they will have to work a lot even when they become a mother. They at least want the option...

We want men who are stronger than we are (physically at least), who can protect us in the home & on the street, and who can provide for us.

The 2 biggest traits women value in a husband are "security" which means financial and physical (which is why a man who hits or is frequently out of work, often ends up divorced) and fidelity.

Men want an attractive spouse (impossible to do if compared with women half our age) and "peace in the home", which presumably means to stop nagging and not have too much drama.

My feminist friends might detest these results^^ but I think they are fairly reflective of reality.
I used to think men had it worse and sometimes I still feel that way. But as I see so many younger women with older men, and older women with...no one, I now question who really has it the best.

Anyhow, I'd put A LOT of energy into my career if I were you.

REMEMBER She saw you change for the worse in this regard, so you can repair that a lot easier than most.

Make sense?

[Complex]

IDoes make sense. I'm working very hard on myself. But I can't change a carreer over night..and from her perspective it's is too little too late.
But I once used the analogy of buying a car with a dent...she KNEW who I was, in which situatiom I am in, and that I have to start ALL OVER in this country. And obviously it takes time. Yes I did slack, and that worked against me big time. I take full responsibility for this. But does she have to run into another mans arms after a few months of slacking? Do I even want a women like this?
Thing is now she thinks she made a huge mistake "overestimating" me and my ability to conquer life here, move forward and having a career...logical reaction: she wants out because she lost trust and believe in me... She actually told me she just thinks we are different people, that I am who I am. That I actually am an awesome person, but not the one matching her needs in life. I partly agree with her. I made many promises, some of them I couldn't golliw through. So she thinks I'm a great person but I cannot meet her needs in the long term.
Now here's the deal: I agree with that but here come the big BUT:
I was NOT the person I wanted to be. I was not where I want to be in life. I have a goal, a vision. One that totally matches W's needs!!! In many many ways! PROBLEM: For whatever reason I couldn't follow through. I was a pessimist lacking energy and motivation. That's how I am/was. That's my inner fight, since a decade!! There might actually be a real ongoing genetically based depression or some flaw in how I was raised/grew up. But I know what a damn good person I am, and I know about these things. And what happened the last few month triggered in me to come out of the woods and DO the things I wanted, BE the person I want to be. BE a great husband for W.
I grew so much within the last few months. I'm very proud of myself. And it's still a process but I'm not stopping. I know I can't convince W with words and also not as fast as I would want to. I am doing this for myself though!!!!! That she doesn't believe either. In the beginning I didn't beliebe myself either. But now I do. I said it multiple times before and I'll say it again, this is the the best thing that could've happened to me. God must have a good plan for me and I'm thankful to be where I am TODAY!

[Complex]

Very interesting: W came home, I was writing an essay. We had a casual conversation and I kept it going for a bit to feel her out a bit or so. It was just about this and that, TV shows, my meds, and that her mom is bothering her. I also asked her how she is feeling, she said she's quiet emotional recently.

Then I go back to the kitchen table to my laptop. Focusing on my stuff, W turns around looks like a little puppy and apologizes for the situation we are in and that it 'sukks' and that she feels bad that she is having those 'feelings'. I just told her it's understandable. Then I said I take a lot of blame too, she responds I shouldn't and I just said in a strong and calm tone "Last year I just wasn't Complex!". Then I continued my stuff while she kept looking at me.
Not so sure what to think of this and if I reacted totally right, but I think it was ok.
Interesting how DBing warmed her up a bit and the 'struggle' seems to be back, compared to the 'I need to get away asap' from a few weeks ago. I won't read much into it and continue my thing. I'm determined. For myself. My journey isn't close of being complete.

[alpha99]

It sounds like you managed to keep that interaction light, shouldered some of the blame, and kept things at a distance, if I'm reading it right. So well done, it would appear you're on the right track. Have you had any more interactions with your W since...how have things progressed from here?

[Complex]

All interaction since then is light. But she definitely opened up more, telling me little story's about work stuff/patients. It still sonehow feels like we are back to the separation thing of last year, where we mostly acted friendly and respectful, but with distance. A few weeks ago our R was rock bottom, due to me snooping and trying to control her and being completely devastated, so she just wanted to get out asap.
Now it feels like the limbo like last year. Since I don't know what's going on in her head right now (I suppose she still wants out and might move forward with the legal separation plans when I receive my greencard, most likely) and I want to keep moving on, I think I might slow down some of the contact. Even though it's only light and more frequent and positive. Maybe it's smart to pull back some more again and make her wonder what I'm doing. Make her curious. Plus I just simply want to continue what I'm doing, because it makes me feel good.
When we have those light conversations I'm always very tempted to tell her about all the things I'm doing, how busy I am. But I hold myself back very well.
It just doesn't feel right for some reason..I think I know what it is: it feels like my old R,....which I don't want anymore anyway...it'll take way more to reach a level of the type of R that I actually really want.. I think it's fine to just listen to my gut right now and do what's good for me and what works.

I mean I think pretty clear at the moment but how would you guys evaluate the latest developments?

Ps: I'm hesitant in praising the meds. They do have their minuses (not hungry enough, sex drive down), but since a few days I feel like I'm on fire. I think straight, I feel good and funnily I feel like I got smarter ha ha. My brain just works better. I feel in a way I always wanted to. Calm, confident, talkative, productive as hell, but it doesn't feel like I'm on drugs, it just feels like ME. Ok I'll bring it to the point: after all the suffering this sht works wonders!

[alpha99]

Hi Complex,

It sounds like you're in quite a good place right now. Excellent! As far as your sitch, it seems to me that keeping things light for now would be the best idea. As long as you're not getting carried away and going too in depth with anything, then from what you're saying it seems that you are getting a positive response. Could there be anything going on with your W that has caused her to change over this most recent time? Maybe your change brought about by your meds is going to bring more positive interaction. Just remember to play it cool for now though

[twinmom]

I would consider a low sex drive a great thing right now, lol the last thing you need is to be thinking about sex non stop while your wife is wayward.

[Complex]

Yep. Let's say it came down to a 'normal' level haha.

Having more light interaction with W. Most of it is coming from her. I have to admit it gets to me a little bit. I miss her today. She's on the couch and I just wanna lie there with her and cuddle. But of course I know better.
I'm wondering if she misses intimacy too. I mean everyone has a need for intimacy, not only sex I mean. I know she's a cuddler. I'm neither a womam nor her, but I can imagine that it's wearing on we at some point. And it doesn't seem like she get any intimacy from OM.
I still feel good and detached and I don't wanna be too hard on myself. The feelings I have a normal, but I wanna be cautious. I know already that it'd hit me hard again if she'd decide to split and move on and legally S or D.

Not a lot of discussion in my thread about the most recent developments. Probably because I'm in a much better place psychologically. But I'm kinda desparate again for a little breakdown of the latest action and some hands on advice how to deal with W..like how to be mysterious, how to make her want me lol. In the meantime I gotta continue ...I can't slack. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!