hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

W & my schedules are not meshing and she's been exhausted at night and this is not giving us any time to talk. So I was considering giving her a letter (e-mail) to explain what I want - since she is asking. (I am also worried about not saying everything that I have to say)


W,
This has been on my mind and can't seem to find the right opportunity to discuss this. You have asked me many times what you can do to help me. I have avoided this because I didn't want to deal with or burden the situation with my own feelings

But

I know that you said that you ended it with OM and that is big step for you and us, and I do feel you coming back and letting me in again. You say you are recommitting to our marriage, I need to be reassured of this. I want you to have no contact with him at all and want you to write a letter to him to declare this affair over and tell him of your reestablished commitment to your husband and family. I believe that any contact you have with him is continuing the destructive pattern. Though I know for now you will have work related e-mails and conversations, but personal e-mails and texts would need to stop. Alternate e-mail accounts need to be stopped. I want to see this letter before it is sent. This is both to help me regain my confidence in us and for you to have closure and I think we need this to rebuild. He needs to be removed from our lives completely. I also want to be equally transparent with each other. Lies and secrets were feeding this problem and we need this to end.

I do not want to repeat this pattern or have the doubts consume me.

Please let me know what your thoughts are about this.

If anyone has any advice about this - I sure would like to hear it. For some reason this makes me nervous.

Thanks!!!

[SunnyB]

U-turn, my advice is get something on both your calendars so you can say this face to face. Together time was always an issue with my M, I got up early, he slept a lot later; I went to bed early (so I could get up early), he stayed up late and usually fell asleep on the couch. It was convenient to try and make up for that with texts and emails but that was a mistake. Something this important deserves face time.

[u-turn]

Thanks
It is very important and I have been trying to fit this in the right time. Scheduled conversations have never gone well in the past, but maybe it's time to try that again.

I've been trying to let her take the lead, but it gets stagnant as she doesn't try to move forward. So the e-mail was just to get this conversation going, but I do realize that face to face would be better.

[u-turn]

W is continuing to get closer, and even initiating some physical touch, wants to go on a date, still wearing her ring - which I commented to her about (I like this, and is very important to me).

She mentioned that she wants to ML, but feels gross because of what she has done. This is going to be a big hurdle for both of us I think.

I am nervous about this (I think that I have officially gotten my virginity back since it has been such a long time (since day before BD).

I am nervous about a lot of things these days though - and I don't know whether to talk to her about them or internalize it.

[u-turn]

As I expected, it didn't go well so far. I talked to her about NC and transparency - said it exactly how I wrote a few posts back.

She said nothing at first and walked away. Came back and said that she feels like we are back at the same spot again. she cannot re-open wounds and will not write a letter. "You have no idea what it's like to sit in a meeting with him. He knows it's over" She said - If this is a deal breaker for me than so be it.

I told her that is exactly what I want to do, get past this "same spot" and move forward.

She asked me where I got an idea like this.

I told her that I have researched recovering from affairs and this is a step.

She brought up old wounds of hers (spew) my family, my old work habits, her wanting me to change, and how I didn't address these with her when she wanted me to. "So now you want me to do something. I will not write this letter. I appreciate all of the support you have given me in the last two weeks (she thinks that has been where my support has begun for some reason) but I will not do this"

She left to go cool down.

I guess we are back at the same spot and if we cannot do something real at this point - not just brush everything away, we need to be done. This is what I though MAY happen.

Not reacting, not chasing. I will see if she changes her stance.

Could use some advice.....

[u-turn]

What I've learned.

Though she says she is recommitting to our marriage, I don't think that means she is recommitted.

Though she asks what she can do to help me, she doesn't really mean she wants to know and is hoping I'll just say "nothing - I'm ok). She doesn't want to put forth any effort accept being nice to me. She asked me if I wanted to find a MC a week ago (which I told her that I would like to do that), but I have doubts that she really means that.

Though she says it is over with OM, there is still probably something there. As little as - I am done with him, but I am good friends with him, or as much as - a full cover-up.

She wants this to be easy for her, but without real effort, I don't know how to move forward.

She didn't seem to run to him about this. She didn't throw the "I was just going to do something nice for you, and now you've ruined it" (as Sandi pointed out in another post today). She has done this all too often.

She is ignoring this now, but I will bring it up again. She is looking for a compromise on this.

[u-turn]

So now I don't know what to do:
-Scrap it all - step back to separation mode.
-Speak openly about what I really want and need in a marriage.
-Wait for action or watch more inaction from her.
-Reiterate what I said yesterday - demand this. (she has only focused on the letter, not about the message, not about the transparency).
-negotiate the letter part (if this is a deal breaker for her) - the message is important, but not as trustworthy
-Explain why I think this is necessary for her (PEAs, addiction...)

[Vapo]

Uturn, I am no vet, but it seems to me it is boundary time. If you have them, then you should start enforcing them and if you do not have them, then it is time to get some in place. If she is to return to you and the marriage IMO there can be NO FURTHER CONTACT of any sort with the OM. No friendship, do friendliness, no NOTHING. If she waffles on this then I would consider this a deal breaker.

So in a nutshell, I would do the boundary thing and she can decide what next. IMO you CANNOT nice her back and if you allow her to have contact with OM, you will just get screwed over (literally).

[u-turn]

Thanks Vapo,
She has been given my boundaries, seemed to have agreed with them, but will not provide the proof.

I agree that OM has to be gone now and forever. It has to be. I cannot live waiting for this to happen again, or look for signs that it hasn't stopped.

She will work with him for two more months - that's a painfully long time (for me) knowing how they were able interact at work before. This is a sore spot for me, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I think that if she will not write the letter, we need to have a discussion of the message, which goes back to my boundaries and things that I need.

I don't know if the sent letter is a deal breaker for me. but the content of it is. and her trustworthiness is. I just don't know how the regain trust without real action.

Sorry for this rant - She loves to brush off her responsibilities and make herself look like she is perfect to everyone. She also likes to find people that will listen to her without telling her she's wrong.
-affair - no big deal, move on. (I think she still thinks it is/was justified) (she actually threw me a little when she unearthed past issues from 15 years ago when I told her that I wanted the letter - she keeps trying to make me feel responsible for her A).
-DUI - meh, first time, no big deal.
-nearly totaled car, meh no big deal - insurance will cover it.
-Telling the kids nothing of what's going on (car's in the shop, she keeps the kids in complete darkness so she doesn't look bad. S17 is definitely catching on to that.

Mistakes happen, accidents happen, bad decisions happen. But at some point you have to face the music. This all has to catch up with her sometime.

[Sotto]

Hi U-Turn

I'm sorry to hear about your W's reaction. It does worry me that she has fallen quickly back into the M, but doesn't really seem to be willing to provide you with what you need at this point. She doesn't sound truly remorseful IMHO.

Only you can decide what you can live with. But you may want to consider saying to your W. You are free to make your own choices here. But I am telling you that this is a deal breaker for me. I will not recommit to you, without some specific action from you to draw a clear line under things with OM. It's up to you what you do, but I am telling you that 'we' can't move forwards together without that.