Had to wade through the ABC soup to find your thread.
To help me get a better understanding of your current sitch, can you please explain a bit more about servicing in April as a physician? What does that entail? What is involved in that process? How does that affect the schedule for both work and home?
This will influence how I present some ideas and suggestions in respect to the MBR issue. For now, I'll hold them off until I learn a bit more about the "coming stressful April."
Here is a script to keep in the back of your pocket for now. I will wait to hear about the April situation.
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Regarding reclaiming the MBR as your own, you can approach W in this way:
“W, we need to talk. I have given this whole situation some thought. By staying in contact with OM, it is disrespectful to me and our marriage. I can’t stay in an open marriage. I don't want to make the situation more confusing for us, and especially the kids, right now. I have decided that I would prefer that you stay out of my bedroom at night."
If your W protests and says it’s her bedroom too and you cannot force her out, pull out this line: “Really? I am not sharing you with another man. I am not going to discuss or debate this with you. ”
If W pushes in and tries to lay down or sit on the bed in a defiant manner, you can say:
“I am going to repeat this only once: please leave now.”
If W digs in, then say in a calm voice but FIRMLY: “Get out now.”
If W tries throw out the “you’re controlling” line at you, you can calmly say:
“I can see how you would see it that way. I am trying to be open and honest here. I need for us to separate physically.”
Then calmly stay in your bedroom and point the door.
If W tries to prolong the conversation, simply say:
“I have made my position very clear to you. I am not having this conversation with you.”
Read up on your threads yesterday and today. Its interesting to see how each of us progress from when we first get here to our most recent posts. Not much to say other than keep up the good work and remain strong. ^^Hope the above advice from Wonka helps you, I'm really curious to see how the boundary plays out.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I agree, it is about standing up for yourself. Why does she want to share a bedroom with you if she is with OM? My H certainly hasn't. Again, not sure how you CAN enforce the boundary, but I think if you use Wonka's script she won't have much choice.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I woke up to these words in my head and felt empowered today to make some changes in my sitch.
(It's) A new day, a new dawn, a new life for me!!
I am changing my thinking to my H does NOT deserve me. Up to now, I have been trying not to rock the boat so H will come back to me. However, being nice does not work. We need to stand up for ourselves and make them believe they can really truly lose us.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Thanks for thinking about me. Although the board can be very comforting, I have had a lot of real-life commitments to address. I think your post was awesome and I am still parsing it. However, I have been focusing a bit more on my outside world, and on applying what I am learning IRL. Since your long and thoughtful post about my sitch, I read NMMNG. I am also near completion of the 5 love languages for children. I will comment in a future post about what I am taking away from these books. Also, my friend's daughter is sick so I have been visiting her in the hospital daily. Passover starts tomorrow and I have a lot of preparation - cleaning my office and my room. I am still working out with my trainer - GAL. I have had alot of work obligations as well. I am also still trying to plan my S12s Bar-Mitzvah which is very fast approaching. We NEED to get those invitations out. Lastly, We have our first real mediation session next week (the first session stalled) and I needed to speak to my L to figure out how to prepare. I am still dreading it, but that does not excuse me from being more prepared. So, as you can see, I am pretty busy. I have had some rough days in between - I still feel, after all - but I am managing. A lot of people in my community know what my W is doing because she has been careless in her indiscretions. I was told last weekend that my community is 100% behind me. It's kind of validating considering the comment was really unsolicited.
I don't have time to go into great detail now, but I want you to know that I really took your advice to heart, and I want to reply thoughtfully to *all* the comments made after I solicited for advice. I just have not had the time. Please know that I am grateful for all of you.
To give you a brief update though: I told my wife that it is disrespectful of her to keep our beds together while she is carrying on with the OM. I separated the beds and this will be permanent. The following day, she sent me one of her typical deranged emails: "I wish I could take away your pain. I wish we never ever got to this point. I wish that when you walk into the room you see the old me. etc..." There is more, but I won't bore you. Suffice it to say, her words ring very hollow. I told her flatly that she has an addiction and the problem is in her. The next day, of course, it was like business as usual.
Undeterred, I am still working on my courage to tell her to leave the bedroom. If I do it, I want to say it right - as a true boundary. She exchanged 9000 texts in January - majority were with OM. I would cut off her phone access and make her buy her own - a great boundary - but I want to continue to access her phone records, so I have kept silent, for now.
that's it in brief. I will update and post further as soon as I have some more time.
My D9 asked me why my W does not wear her wedding rings any more. Then she said the worst thing that could happen to her is losing her parents. I asked her what she means and she said "if my parents were to get a divorce." She expressed her fear that her parents would be going away. Either she is super astute or my kids are talking amongst themselves, or both. I told her I would never move away and I will always be near her. Still, I am heartbroken.
I am exhausted. emotional day today. We are supposed to have mediation appt today. My W is trying to bail out because she can't find a baby sitter. It looks like after all the emotional preparation and anticipatory anxiety, I am not sure the appt the appt will even happen today. I spent hours making phone calls back and forth.
I had mentioned previously that I looked at Ws phone records and she is averaging over 6000-7000 texts per month. That is equivalent to 8-10 texts per hour around the clock. I am paying for this phone. I have been going back-and-forth-about cutting my Ws phone service off. I have not cut her off until now because I may need evidence later about her erratic behavior.
In light of this, I confronted my W today, telling her that I know what she is doing and that she has a serious problem. I told her that our kids need a mother. It did get heated. I told her I am ready and now eager to move ahead with the dissolution process.
Hello Rai - I'm out here! I'm sorry you are having a tough day, and hope you are both able to make it to the mediation appointment. It's hard to psych yourself up for these things only for them not to go ahead.
That's a lot of texts! As you say, you may want to consider letting her fund the phone. Presumably you have significant evidence already of her behaviour thus far.
You ask what are you doing? Well, I think you are doing okay in difficult circumstances. You have told your W that you can't tolerate this situation and will take steps towards dissolution because of this. I think that is fair enough in the circumstances.
Your W of course will do what she will - and what you see as a 'serious problem' - she doesn't. So the main thing is to take appropriate steps to protect yourself and your family. Whilst that is difficult to do, it may well help relieve some of the emotion for you.
I hope things start improving for you soon my friend. Things are tough right now, but there are brighter days ahead for you once you get through this.
((Rai))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
