That is sort of what I was thinking V. But the MB is downstairs. I was also thinking something like this:
With the problem in the basement, sleeping arrangements have to change. I am very willing to work on our marriage, but not while you are doing this for your occupation and lying to me all the time. I have stated my boundary with this. S and I will be sleeping upstairs until basement is fixed. I do not want to be sleeping upstairs with this type of work going on. You can use the basement or go elsewhere to do this type of work.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
still too much. W is not lying to you, W is doing what W wants, this is IMHO her concern. She is concealing it which is what I would expect her to do with this occupation. Actually that is sensible of her!
With the problem in the basement, sleeping arrangements have to change. I am very willing to work on our marriage, but not while you are doing this for your occupation and lying to me all the time. I have stated my boundary with this. S and I will be sleeping upstairs until basement is fixed. I do not want to be sleeping upstairs with this type of work going on. You can use the basement or go elsewhere to do this type of work.
Ok Cadet?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/11/1503:47 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, that is kinda what Sandi said. She said I am holding the ace card. If this gets out to friends and family on why we split up, it will not look good to them. I was tempted to talk to older D the other day about this, but am concerned about hurting her and her image of her mother. I maybe try to protect my children to much. I was trying to see what an attorney thought a judge might rule if a custody battle happened with this type of work going on. I would think he would think it is not a good environment for the kids.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Trouble is she has been lying to me all long with this job. She lied about being on dating sites, lied about not taking calls anymore and just doing dispatch, lied about the type of calls she is taking, lied about the cell phone log in, lied about having other emails and I think she is lying about not talking to someone else.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Also here is a little history. I have been accused of being controlling about her jobs in the past. There is some truth to her saying that. And some of that is my fault. When she takes on a job, she has a hard time deciding what is more important, family or job. She will cover for whoever needs time off, but never take time off herself for her family. Works longer hours than necessary and puts family on back burner. And never says no when asked to cover for someone. So me complaining about her job is just more of the same to her. She does not see the issue with the type of work being done.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
But you know that she is doing this now. I agree with Sandi on this.
Your kids have an R with their mother, this is your boundary trampled on and by keeping this a secret then I think you are enabling W to continue. Let your kids deal with their R with their mother, but it is important that Joe says he is unhappy with W behaviour but that he stays away from condemnation of W with her children.
Joe separate W behaviour from W as a person. Condemn the behaviour not the person. I am trying to do this with my H, condemn the abusive behaviour not H. It is hard and tempting to do otherwise.
I used to foster and have had to help children face and come to terms with some terrible behaviour of their parents. Including drug abuse, prostitution and alcohol use. Children are more resilient than you think, if you have a strategy for dealing with your children and protecting them from harm including letting them have their feelings on this, then it will be helpful to preplan.
This exotic and wayward behaviour of W will be evident eventually, this way then you can be prepared.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Also here is a little history. I have been accused of being controlling about her jobs in the past. There is some truth to her saying that. And some of that is my fault. When she takes on a job, she has a hard time deciding what is more important, family or job. She will cover for whoever needs time off, but never take time off herself for her family. Works longer hours than necessary and puts family on back burner. And never says no when asked to cover for someone. So me complaining about her job is just more of the same to her. She does not see the issue with the type of work being done.
But you do. Your boundary and some of it is clearly not just 'job' but wayward behaviour.
Joe, no matter what you did or said, W has a choice in her WW behaviour. Change your behaviour on control for Joe, because this will effect his Rs with all around him, including overly protecting his children (also control). W has a choice in her behaviour too, the choice to work on her M.
You can changing your controlling behaviour today and going forward. Stating your boundary is a start, because a boundary issue is about Joe (not about W), if that makes sense.
We crossed posts as I amended my earlier post.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/11/1504:13 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I can see what you are saying. What about bringing up things that I don't have hard evidence on? I mean I can sit down and type in the log in information to the cell phone account right in front of her so she can't lie about it. The info she gave me does not work. If you have nothing to hide, why can't I get in to it? Back in October I found a number on her work phone speed dial. There was a guys name and his number. I just about called it, but I didn't. I confronted her about it and she claims it was a girl from work. She said when she calls the number is registered to her husband, so she just used the husbands name to save the number??????
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You know it is lies, W knows it is lies. Keep the evidence and let it lie for itself.
Joe, there is enough knowledge, the more you elaborate your communications, then the more wriggle room you give W to dismiss your boundary and to sidetrack into rubbishy side issues.
KISS (Sweet and Simple) is best.
Send and move straight back to the MBR. Own your boundary. Forcing W to sit whilst you input is more control and will be seen as such by W.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/11/1504:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
