Toot Va Bien!

[Complex]

Oh ok your H is still having an A. Well that eradicates my thought of at least letting him briefly know how you feel about the situation.
Otherwise I'd have said sth like you will never ever reconcile if you never have contact or so. Not saying you should pursue him but I assume WAS's often 'erase' that their spouse actually doesn't want this.

And yes, your H must be crazy.
Do you actually ever imagine yourself with someone else than your H?

[Sotto]

Thanks V and Complex. V, I hope you enjoyed Doonesbury's 'In search of Reagan's Brain.' I loved in in the '80s (apologies any Reagan fans...)

Complex, I'm not sure of the A status. The email text I found was from January. OW returned to the UK in February. And H contacted me in later Feb, saying he had been stupid and lost sight of what's important...etc...so I think he has been disappointed. I still think he's in a wayward state of mind though....albeit with some little glimmers of potential change.

My take on this all was that H thought - if only I could get OW back to the UK (and presumably away from OM) things will be ok. But she came back and things don't seem ok....H is actually dating others ATM, so I don't think the A is 'blossoming' ATM - but there may still be some 'toxic' on/off/on cycling going on still - IDK.

I do wonder if this is an MLC. H lost loads of weight, got very fit, started wearing more 'out there' clothes. Became generally unhappy with life. Firstly more work, later more life in general and then me/us. Then decided to start 'dating' when he was working away, and went out with two other women before AP. He was positively looking to get involved with someone else. Lots of MLC signs I think.

Truly, H is (was?) a lovely person and the 'alien abduction' analogy rings somewhat true. Our MF, who I chatted to the other day, has known H for years and is so shocked at recent events. She would not have believed this of him either.

Not that I'm trying to absolve myself of any blame. There were certainly ways in which I could have been a better wife. But I was loving, supportive and faithful - a 'good enough' wife.

I think the 'erasing' of me is either linked to OW coming back, or a general reaction to where things are at, and H feeling he's got to move forwards.. Certainly he seems on a pretty short fuse with me lately. I think that's going to get worse as we sort financials and the house.

Still coming to come to terms with recent events. Can I imagine myself with someone else? Not right now is the answer. And not for a while probably. Sorry, I know my focus is on him a lot right now. I just need to get all of this out and move forwards. I'll get there...

[Vanilla]

Toots

Or may be he had eggs for breakfast, or, or, or..............

My darling, carry on with your life, your world is as you make it.

If H wants back in then he knows the door is open.


V

[alpha99]

Toots,

I don't see anything wrong with you not imagining yourself with another person. Surely the reason we're all here is to win our spouses back. The advice others have given me seems to apply to you to, as hard as it is you must detach from your husband. Like Vanilla said, if H wants back in he knows where you are. In the meantime snooping through emails for updates (I know, I've done it) is only going to slow you down in gaining control of YOUR life.

[rd500]

hi Toots, I know how hard it is but as the others have said before me, all Toots can control is Toots. Your H does sound like a MLC, Wayward Spouce, etc but what differance does it make ? He may come out of it he may not. Toots controls what she does. Life without your H by your side is really hard and you want him back but Toots has so much love to give and life to enjoy that perhaps Toots should try to Live her life as it is now. Very , very easy for me to say, I know but Toots needs to keep very busy and maybe bring some sunshine into some other peoples life that will in turn bring sunshine into hers.

You are a wonderful person and trust me, people are waiting to meet someone like you. Take care, Rd

[Complex]

Sorry. I almost feel bad I triggered this thought process about H in you^^
Of course you gotta get this through and then out of your head.
I don't think either that it's wrong to see yourself with someone else.
It's part of valuing yourself for who you are and realizing that there is someone ekse out there who would do the same.
It helps greatly in detaching and morally it's not wrong I think, because it's not specfic and God wants us to love ourselves too, because if we don't we can't truly love others either!

[Sotto]

Thanks very much for your posts! And Complex, don't feel bad - it's useful to consider everything....

Well, there seems to be a common theme in there for me - Detach from your H Toots!! Live your own life. Don't worry about what he's doing!!

Okay - I feel I was doing pretty well - but I backslid. Time to regroup. Good news is I start a new regular GAL activity this week - ladies friendship, fun and social group. And in two weeks is my beginners Ceroc workshop. Lots of GAL fun in store for me.... :-)

[Vanilla]

Ceroc!

Hope you are going to be really enjoying it Toots. I believe in music, dancing and connection.

going on a Ceroc weekend this weekend and am going to learn how to lead in a beginners class or two, this means that I can work with the beginners as there is always a shortage of leaders in the beginners classes.

Go get em Toots, enjoy your GAL.

V

[Pink17]

Hi Sunshine,

It's somewhat very hard to face all these ups and downs. But as the others mention here, your H has made all crazy decisions and seem like he may be in some kind of MLC.

One thing is for sure, if his R with this OW was something more specific and a strong link, a year into this would be a little different. So if a year is just eventual meetings and she does not step out of her R, then your H may be feeling as an idiot.

And Toots, you know my opinion. I feel it's all logical and OK to go dark and not contact the WAH but I still feel that he may need to be reminded once in a while what he is loosing. I think he needs to see more of who you are now and know all the changes that you have been working on.

I don't mean to be straight forward to show him anything, but he needs to see it somehow and get himself even more confused about his bad choices. After a year, the resentments towards you are also fading, the bad feelings are becoming memories and there is a chance that he may be thinking about you more then before.

It's also very possible that he feels very ashamed of what he did to you. The guilt of hurting you may be eating his liver and he does not have a lot of courage to reach out for you.

I really believe that your H did not erase you completely from his mind, even if he tried to eliminate your physical memories from the house.

About that email, is there a chance that he just left it there so you could see it? Why he not careful about his private stuff?

And why is him choosing what he bags for you. Is there any possible way that you could go and take the stuff you want to take before he is doing the whole cleaning? This was your house and he needs to share this moment with you, he wants or not it is also part of your life.

If that happen, it would be some way to share sometime with him, maybe some talk about what happen.

I like that Toots will give up only when she thinks it is over, you go girl... no one will tell you how to live your life, only you can do it.

Lots of love honey,
XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks V and Pink

Well, I had a pretty nice day. Bookshop GAL in the morning - all very busy. Worked from home this afternoon and yoga GAL this evening.

Pink, thanks for your thoughts and comments. Interestingly, I feel H's resentment growing towards me ATM. He was previously more compassionate towards me. Now he seems more tetchy.

Your comments prompted me to drop him a little text this pm. I let him know I dropped by the house & thanked him for bringing my things back. He hasn't replied.

I get what you're saying. But he seems pretty raw ATM, and we're just about to embark on the whole financials thing, which may worsen things. I'm just trying to be steady and pleasant in any contact with him.

The advice from the vets has been to stick to business - but I hear what you're saying about reaching out etc. I just think it isn't the right time just now...

So glad you're back on the boards my friend x