I remember a convo I had similar with W ... about OM and I had to just sit there, contain the anger and listen to her talk about thier R like I was just a friend. I gained some valuable insight .. but also some troubling things.
Yes -- as soon as she started talking I instantly knew that I needed to just listen and not shut her down... even though I did have to hear some things that did make me feel uncomfortable. She did ask me to tell her if I started to feel uncomfortable about any topic and she would stop. I told her I would, but never stopped her even though a few things did hurt. I just knew and still feel very strongly that listening to her was the most important thing I could do yesterday.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
So you still have a connection, she still shares things with you ... these are good signs.
But up until this weekend, she wasn't sharing much with me... So I feel like this is some progress. Not necessarily progress towards certain reconciliation -- but progress towards something... If nothing else, just a reconnection and perhaps her ability to trust me and feel safe talking to me again. Still such a long road ahead, but I'll take any teeny tiny bit of progress as it comes.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
The OW being non local I think has its blessings and its downfalls ... as hard as it is, that R needs to run its course and I think not being right there all the time will just take a bit longer imho.
I agree -- it does need to run its course. I won't share everything she shared with me yesterday re: OW and the R, but let's just say there are a number of obstacles in their way (aside from the geographical distance) and while they both feel "drawn" to each other, a future together is a longshot and they both know it. So of course I am praying very hard for those obstacles to continue to grow so that this runs its course quickly.
In the meantime, I'll do my best to be her friend and be willing to listen when she feels like opening up to me.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Hang in there, you sound great and are handling this very well.
Thanks! Still having up and down moments, but definitely starting to feel more optimistic about the future for me and the kids. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming... Interview for a job tomorrow!
In other news from the wacky world of this MLC... The OW and I have exchanged some friendly emails... I still don't condone what is going on and have made it clear that the situation is not what I want, but I know this has to just play itself out (and will in time) so I am being somewhat "friendly"... And OW is coming to visit in June... The logistics of that are still uncertain, but the trip has been booked.
I can't even begin to go into all of the details of the recent conversations or the emails between OW and myself... I wouldn't believe any of it if this weren't my life. I will say that the email exchange was initiated by me with the intent of getting to know OW before she meets or begins to interact with my kids.
For now I'm playing nice, but praying very hard for more obstacles and a huge miracle. I do feel like I am becoming more detached... which is good because it is very clear to me now that this really is going to be a long marathon.
Back to me -- REALLY looking forward to the job interview tomorrow. A tiny bit nervous because it's been years since I went on a real interview... for many years my job moves didn't really involve formal interviews because nearly all of them occurred through networking or open transfer periods within the school district. What I'm not nervous about is my knowledge, skills, and abilities -- I'm actually somewhat over-qualified for the position I'm interviewing for tomorrow but the person interviewing me will really be looking at where she can put me rather than focusing on this specific job. Just need to get back into the district soon...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I can't even begin to go into all of the details of the recent conversations or the emails between OW and myself... I wouldn't believe any of it if this weren't my life. I will say that the email exchange was initiated by me with the intent of getting to know OW before she meets or begins to interact with my kids.
Why would you want that??!! I am puzzled here. Can you please explain a bit more about your thought process? Heck, I wouldn't touch the OW with a 100-foot pole.
Hey...I do know that you'll ace that interview and land a job. You'll charm the pants off of the interviewer.
Especially if your W finds out ... anything that goes south will now be all your fault because you meddled ... regardless of what happens ... I would back completely out of any talks with OW ... keep your side of the street clean. If your W exposes kiddos to OW, that's all on her and her business given they are safe, I had the same thing .... as the lyrics go .. I wouldn't shake OM's hand with a broke hand.
I'll try to explain the best way that I can without giving up too much detail...
First -- CaliGuy -- W knows. She was agreeable to it...
We are trying to work out a co-parenting agreement. One of the things that I included in the co-parenting agreement (as a talking point and a bargaining chip) was a clause about a timeframe for introducing the kids to new partners and when new partners could sleep over with the kids present. W completely disagreed with this clause and most recently started speaking to me about OW in terms of her new R and how, because of the distance, meeting in person would be difficult, blah, blah, blah... To make a long story short -- we have ended up with email as an option for getting to know each other before OW visits in June and meets the kids.
Again -- my W engaging in A with OW is NOT what I want, but I see some benefits right now to opening up this dialogue... W is letting down her guard a bit with me... opening up to me more about a lot of stuff (maybe because I seem to be more accepting of the sitch and not as judgmental towards her -- not sure, but that's my guess)... And, if OW gets to know me better then it could be harder to believe the negative things W has said about me in past few months (which contradicts all the wonderful things she told OW about me before the end of October). I do not think this is going to lead to any immediate miracle -- but right now it appears that it is causing W to be much more open with me and that is an improvement over the secrecy, lies, and deception that I've been dealing with over the past several months. No, I still don't trust my W, but the atmosphere at home has improved quite a bit...
Yes -- writing the email and then reading her response was a bit weird -- but there is so much about this entire situation that is so freaking weird... Most of the time I can't believe this is my life right now. It just feels surreal. I don't want OW in our lives at all -- but she isn't a bad person... she's just a young, inexperienced woman who has no clue what she is really involved in with my W... a young, inexperienced woman making a poor choice right now... I haven't told her all of that, but I am hopeful that she will eventually realize it -- or be told that by her family and/or friends when she finally tells them that she is involved with my W (which she is planning to do at some point in the next several months). And yes -- that means that she is not "out" to anyone in her life except to my W (and me)... So many different ways in which that hurdle can derail everything at some point in the near future.
I know this probably still doesn't make much more sense... The email communication just seems to make sense on a very intuitive level right now for my particular sitch -- but it might not be the right thing for others to do in other sitchs.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I think emailing her and being cool with her is a brilliant strategy. I cant bring myself to do it. I thought of email my exh ow and meeting her for coffee cause she hangs with my kids but I just couldn't do it.
Your accessment of their youth and inexperience and making a poor choice is right on. I think the ow my exh is with will enventually break up with him because eventually she will grow up and he never will. We'll see.
Good luck on the interview. Knock em dead
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks BklynMom -- I will admit that this was a very risky move and I would certainly advise "do not try this at home"... It really depends on a bunch of factors very specific to my situation... And it still might backfire on me. So far, it hasn't... Keeping my fingers crossed that 1) it doesn't backfire, 2) the obstacles keep increasing for them, and 3) this dies out in the near future...
Up early printing out extra copies of my CV and CV summary (one-pager)... Looking forward to the interview -- my qualifications are extensive -- the only thing needed now is the perfect spot for me in a great leadership position that pays very well :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I want to take a moment to talk about my job sitch... As I sit here at my computer, having my coffee and getting mentally prepared for my interview later this morning, I am reflecting on some things about myself...
After the birth of our third child I really thought I could get enough online work and consulting to replace the full-time income that I was earning with the school district. My W agreed to the idea -- we both liked the idea of one of us working from home and having the flexibility to handle everything related to having three very young children.
For the first couple of years this worked just fine. But then the work started to drop off and despite my best efforts at applying everywhere I could (for online work), it just wasn't happening... The past couple of years have been horrible... I just figured up my 2014 income and it was about half of my 2013 income! No wonder we've been hurting so much financially over the past year.
But aside from the financial concerns -- which certainly added a lot of stress to our M -- there has also been some issue for me in terms of self-esteem.
As I sit here thinking about the interview that I will have in a few hours, I am actually really excited about the possibility of being back in a full-time position. Several months ago, despite the financial bind, I dreaded the thought of going back to something full-time because I was so comfortable in the flexible work-from-home lifestyle... I was comfortable in it even though it was no longer working for me/us (sounds bit like how we all become comfortable in our marriages even though we may have gone into a rut that doesn't work for either spouse, right?) Several months ago my head was in a very different place... Now, for many reasons, but especially because of my W's MLC, I've been jarred awake and realize that I need to be working full-time -- engaging with people, helping people learn and grow, pushing myself to learn more within my profession, and getting back to a place where I feel like I am impacting more lives with my work. It's a big part of who I am and I lost that over the years...
So there is a lot riding on this job interview... Not that my world will crumble if I don't get hired, but I do know this is a vital part of my personal journey and if I don't get hired for this position then I'll just keep applying for others until I do get something.
Just had to get those thoughts out there as they popped into my head :-) (Yep -- coffee is kicking in now!)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Good luck today. It's nice to work from her once in a while, but when you do it full time, you don't have that interaction w/your co-workers and people in general. I hope you get the position and it will not only provide more $$$ but also help w/your self esteem and give you something else to think about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
