Hello Sandi, I did read the post yesterday. It helped a ton. Great post! I will read the other right away. That is a great idea. Not arrogant at all. You have no idea how much you help us LBH. We can actually get some information on what is going on inside our wives head. Your input helps so much. I would have been lost and doing the wrong things had you not helped me. Thank you so much for taking the time to be on here and help others.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Today could be a tough day!! Last night was rather tough. It is tough to sit and visit with older D while in the back of my mind I am thinking how she does not know what is going on. I feel really bad for our kids. If things don't change, the older ones may have to experience their mother going through another divorce. I did not sleep well at all last night. Woke up at 2 and my mind kept going all night. Than when I did fall asleep, I had a dream about my wife that upset me. I am praying for strength today and answers!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I needed to write to all of you again, just to help myself feel better. I am trying to be strong today, but I am struggling. As you can see in my previous post, I did not sleep well last night. Maybe that is part of it. The other part is this image I have in my head of my older D and my wife spending the day together and W telling her all these bad things about me. How I am making her miserable right now and I will never change and I am just a jerk. Maybe it is just my imagination. But it is causing my to stress some. Got a text from D earlier" Mom said you may have to cook dinner tonight. Not sure when we will be home". I just replied "okay". I can feel myself not wanting to go home at times. It feels like as soon as I get there, the tension starts. I get an uneasy feeling when I have to go in her room in the morning to wake her up. Just got a text from wife saying the same thing about dinner tonight. My reply" No problem. Have fun."
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
This forum is so confusing sometimes!! One person is telling someone to validate his wife's feelings and sitting there listening to them talk about the feelings they have for another person. Another person is telling these people to be strong and detach from their wife when they are doing this stuff. And to set boundaries. I get so confused about what is the right way to go and what is the wrong way to go. I get frustrated dealing with my situation. Am I handling it right? After reading different posts, I get more confused!! And sometimes I get that feeling that all this is hopeless!! What is the deal with all these people cheating and having EA and walking away from their marriages??
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
This forum is so confusing sometimes!! One person is telling someone to validate his wife's feelings and sitting there listening to them talk about the feelings they have for another person. Another person is telling these people to be strong and detach from their wife when they are doing this stuff. And to set boundaries. I get so confused about what is the right way to go and what is the wrong way to go. I get frustrated dealing with my situation. Am I handling it right? After reading different posts, I get more confused!! And sometimes I get that feeling that all this is hopeless!! What is the deal with all these people cheating and having EA and walking away from their marriages??
I would say having a conversation with someone that is wayward is mostly a waste of time. If you were going to try that route then yes validate their feelings, that does not mean you agree with them just that they are allowed to have their own feelings.
I will say that DETACH is the single most important thing that the LBS can do IMHO.
You have to understand that this is all training and what you learn now you must continue to implement.
I know that being counter intuitive seems to make no sense but eventually you will start to understand.
I keep posting and keep asking questions, but most times don't get any answers or replies.
I guess where I have struggled is the DETACH thing. It actually is not hard for me to detach. But it is kinda hard it without it seeming to my wife like I just don't care. She will take it that way I think. I have noticed that something is getting to her the past few days. Saturday she was angry at everything(which I posted about). Sunday seemed sad and lost( which I posted about). Yesterday spent the whole day with D in town shopping. Did not come home till around 10:00. D said she wanted to go everywhere in town. Seemed like she was trying to get a rise out of me. I did not say anything about it.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi Joe, I think it's all about balance. GAL helps with detaching and is for your own sanity as much as anything else. GAL helps you to see that, despite your sitch, there are opportunities out there to do new things you enjoy.
Your W may react to GAL, because you being out and doing new things is not how she thought this would go.
In terms of the validating etc. I think that is about making the most of opportunities that arise when you and your W are in contact. So, if you have a five minute convo in the kitchen and she had a tough day, you can validate. But then, you are off because you have things planned already...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Here is my advice on how to get people to post on your thread.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Toots, all that makes sense. If I had a chance to validate anything with her now, it would be a miracle. She does not speak to me much at all. Especially since I stated my boundary. I don't get texts or anything. I had to ask about my D this morning because my older D told me wife was taking the younger D to clinic because she was sick. Wife did not bother to text me about this.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
