Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

Well I blew it.

Kids had an assembly this morning at school which W and I attended. That went fine. On the drive home I broke down and became.a blubbering mess. W's father arrived to help sort things out, spent the whole time consoling me, trying to pep me up. W was totally disinterested. She said she felt bad and didn't like doing this but there was no choice. No doubt I've just driven her a bit further away. She mentioned divorce again saying we can't be married forever if we're not together. I am absolute rock bottom now. No tidying/splitting possessions got done. I just want to keel over. She left in car with her F. I got everything wrong. I said I love you as well. What a stupid man I am. I miss her so much and haven't been able to stop crying.

[Sotto]

Alpha, I'm so sorry. It is done now, and you should forgive yourself for loving your W and being distressed. We all have backslides. The thing to do is learn from them and move forwards.

The reality is your W is disinterested in you and your M right now. Who knows what may happen going forwards? But there are many apects of your future you can control and these are the ones to work on.

There will be plenty of opportunities to show your W that you are moving forwards with your own life...and she may become interested enough to turn back towards it. You know how these sitches go, and there is usually a predictable trajectory for the A. It just takes time and patience...

[Starsky309]

There will be plenty of opportunities to show your W that you are moving forwards with your own life...and she may become interested enough to turn back towards it. You know how these sitches go, and there is usually a predictable trajectory for the A. It just takes time and patience...

Alpha, this ^^^.

Look, you can make mistakes DBing. You just can't keep making the same ones, over and over again. It's not complicated, but that doesn't mean it's EASY, either -- it takes a LOT of self-discipline.

Resolve to do better. STRENGTH and HONOR,


Starsky

[alpha99]

Thanks toots

W insists A is over now. She says she not speaking to OM anymore. Claims he is a 'player' and has moved on. She said he used her and she used him. She says she did it cos she was so unhappy with me. Ironically this morning at the assembly was going well, she chatted to me a little about her new rented place, talked about ordering things, even smiled in my general direction as the kids took turns to speak in the assembly.

Then it went wrong. I said we have beautiful children once back in the car. She said yeah, and that's a that matters now. That prompted a conversation about R and I got upset, from which I never recovered composure. I must have done everything that is wrong, pleading, crying, the works...saying I love you etc. Her F was very good with me and quite concerned. He said he'd been trying to speak to W but she is incredibly stubborn.

I know I've set things back enormously today. I have to regroup though because there were small signs this morning of things being a little better, talking about things she had held private recently. What an idiot I am. Undoubtedly the house is getting sold. If I'd been strong enough finger through it without crying it would have made a big difference. Not doing so has had a negative impact. Ive started reading DR again this afternoon. Coaching session in 2 hours. Oh God do I need some coaching now.

W did pull herself back from saying never, instead saying she won't go back.to hoe things were. I'm too impatient. We are going to have to go through house sake to come out the other side.

I need to be stronger. I need to be there without getting upset.

Wife jumped up when I mentioned dentist. She obviously hadn't noticed to.that point. Baby steps, watch,watch,watch.

[alpha99]

Typing from my mobile causes quite a few errors!

[alpha99]

Thanks for the words of encouragment starksy. I feel a bit better already. Up to p90 of DR. Set some short term goals. Coming to realisation house will be sold, w will live elsewhere...that doesn't mean it's game over though.

I think from now on I'm going to set weekly (or fortnightly) goals and review each week how I get on: having just read step 2 of DR here goes:

* go on a family activity
* be included in a future event.
* W show a little interest in me either on phone or face to face.

Now, to reach these goals:

I am taking kids out for tea on Thursday. Rightly or wrongly I invited W. Won't ask again but let's see if she comes.

It's parent's evening in the next week or two. I will let W organise the appointment time and see if she informs me of it.

Wife has shown moments of interest recently. Going to maintain low contact/initiate high quality interactions (non R) when we do meet.

Coaching in less than an hour, then see the kids, then tea, then play poker with friends.

[alpha99]

Well, I said today would be hard...and so it has been.

Bad news: as above, I made a pigs ear of interaction today. It was going well at the school but then went belly up big time.

Good news: had an excellent coaching session with Amanda. She validated a lot.of things I've been doing, set me straight on some no go areas.

Finally, W called earlier. Asked if I could leave seeing the kids tonight due to them not having had their tea, W at work and it getting late. I said no problem. W then called back to inform me kids had had a school photo taken and wanted to know.if I wanted one. She called me, a mundane thing, I know, but a nice way to end.the day as she could have just told me tomorrow.

I've got my eyes wide open looking for little positive changes. Maybe this is one.

DB coach Amanda thinks LRT is an excellent idea for me. I've got to find.the self discipline to carry these things out. I nearly sent a text to.wife earlier but stopped myself. Reading DR again has really helped clarify things. I think I am going to have to read it several times to keep on top of things.

[alpha99]

Just back from poker. Felt good for a while. As tiredness set in from a long day my mood dropped. I'm tired now. A cup of tea and then bed. Well, today was pretty awful. Unfortunately since the house stuff didn't get sorted I will have to go through that again on another day. I feel I will be stronger next time to deal with it. I understand I can't repeat today or I'm just put the final nail in the marital coffin. I've read DR a lot today. Going to keep reading and reading. I MUST GET A GRIP ON MY EMOTIONS OR NOTHING WILL GET BETTER.

IT AIN'T OVER TIL IT'S OVER

[Complex]

Better attitude! Did you win at poker?
Self discipline is a huge part of DB, especially in the beginning. You can make mistakes, and some of them won't change the outcome, but if they add up to a certain point you just make the rest of your sitch harder...AND your own life too!

It doesn't seem like your persuasion shut W completely off. She is still contacting you. But you have to stop and focus on the book and yourself and the kids. You have to get your focus off W!

What's your plan the rest of the week?

[alpha99]

Hi Complex,

I didn't win at poker I think yesterday was the biggest day since A was exposed really as it was the next step coming along. I dealt with it really badly but it did show me that I CANNOT allow that to happen again. W will be moving, house will be sold, but I still have plenty of time to work on things.

Rest of the week: I had to turn work down yesterday because I was a mess. I will have a day or two off. I might visit my sister today, go to the gym, I'm at a language group this evening. I'm also picking up/dropping off kids for school for the rest if the week. Hopefully I will take them for tea tomorrow. As I said, W is invited. I get the feeling after yesterday she won't come but we'll see. I'm taking the kids to a nice restaurant they've never been to that W also likes but hasn't been to in a while. One of my goals is to have a family activity each week with the intention of just providing some full family time for the kids and no mention of R to W if she.comes, just day to day stuff. Before I imploded yesterday we were having the most normal conversation we'd had. Maybe thinking of it, maybe it was backlash to that what happened in our conversation in the car with her being ratty and then my subsequent meltdown. All in the past now. Like you're all saying, mistakes are inevitable but I can't keep making the same one over Nd over.