Wife says she's out the door

[Sherman333]

Latest update...

We're now in separate bedrooms. After my wife went shopping at the mall, she said she had to leave her phone in the car to charge. The mall closed at 6. She decided to call at 7:18 p.m. saying she'd just finished.

After thinking about her request to date others and with the new issue, I couldn't detach, GAL, and still have her in my bed. So I asked her to leave. She cried a lot and I think I did ok letting her know I was at peace with my decision. I also told her that since she wants to date, why wait to do everything. We can count the upcoming party she's going to on 3/14 as her night and I'll take the next weekend. She attacked my resolve a few times an tried to make me feel guilty or cave. I didn't do this out of anger. Rather, I just can't have her in my bed and I need time to get out for me.

This morning I got up at 4:30 a.m. and worked out. She engaged me a few times and I stayed cool. She was wearing some skimpy closes (looked damn good) and was standing in my way and I had to twist to avoid rubbing on her. Previously, I would have touched her or rubbed her. This happened a couple of times. I also didn't kiss her when I left, but only said goodbye.

Tonight, I got the super cold shoulder. I think she said less than 10 words to me and went to bed at 8:30. After I got off the elipitcal, I had to put some laundry in and her phone was still playing music.

I'm not 100% what I want with her. I do want a loving wife that's patient, good with the kids, etc. She's been anything but for years.

She also wanted to verify when I have my therapist appointment. Even sneered a little when she said it. Asked if that was why I'd been making her pickup the kids every so often.

Today at work I was a mess. It's more of a case that I can let my guard down a little more there. At home, it's just me, the kids and her.

[Sherman333]

She did ask that I wear my rings until after the Disney trip. This baffles me a lot. I'm giving her what she asked for on a silver platter and she's still conflicted.

[Sherman333]

It's when I'm completely alone that I feel it the worst. The fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

I'm not going to grovel and chase her. It's crazy, she has been good to everyone for years (even our 7 yr old says she's mean and suggests that we break-up), but I still miss her. Ugh.

[Cadet]

You know Sherman I really dont have that much advice for you except that maybe DB101 says look at things with a beginners mind.

Throw everything you know out the window and start completely over with a fresh beginners mind.

I mean if it were me I would want to fully know how I repeated history when that was the one thing that I did not want to do.

Does that make any sense?

[Sherman333]

Yes. It does. I've been thinking a lot on that snd will be tackling that with the counselor. I've picked 2 different women that abused me in different ways.

The current wife got pregnant unexpectedly and we married. She wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. She has no tubes. Her OBGYN even said she couldn't calculate the odds and kept asking about being sued since she removed the tubes.

My wife told me Sunday that she thinks she's turning into her mother who's unhappy with everything. She's also been accusing me of bring just like her stepfather.

My wife gas been verbally abusive to me and the kids. Bad enough i had yo step between them and remove her. I think the foster kids we had triggered something in conjunction with the couples issues. I withdrew from her because of the abuse.

My boss asked me to visit with my HR person today. I ended giving her a lot more details and she advised me yo get in to talk with a lawyer ASAP. That my primary concern is the kids.

Only redeeming thing about where I'm at is that this is the nicest she's been yo me in years.

[Sherman333]

I go see the lawyer on Thursday.

I'm strongly leaning towards filing. The wife is so unhappy and she doesn't really care for the kids. She has zero patience and if they make a mistake she'll make them pay. Especially if I'm not around. It wasn't like this in the beginning but has gotten a lot worse over the last few years. Her 24 yr old son wants nothing to do with her either; this has been this way for years.

I want my son to grow up with a more loving person.

[Sherman333]

This week after I kicked her out of the bedroom (wanting to date others), I've been getting into work early and staying late for a function we're putting on. So she's had an opportunity to miss me. She says it's been good.

I spoke with her estranged son last night about some of what's been happening. He said that he's seen it all before. He was hoping she'd grown enough that she had gotten past it. He was sad for the situation and offered to testify if it comes to that. She estranged from her entire family.

Last night we had a conversation. I owed her an explanation on something and did so. We ended up in a R talk focused on the anger issues. They play a central role in all the crap. She stated that she's been feeling better in the spare bedroom, that it reminders her of a difficult time when she was a girl, but was comforting.

I told her that she should consider counseling for our son and she agreed (at least last night).

She also told me that her boss told her he get dibs if she gets divorced and this is what accelerated everything. She says he's a good friend and she is attracted to him. She also said that she knows she would destroy that relationship too. That she's worried that she's going to be unhappy with everything for the rest of her life... just like her mom. She then proceeded to tell me some of what she needs for her future... that she has to have things to look forward to, trips, travel, doing things with just us and no kids. That the kids ruin the adult time.

She also volunteered on her own that we both have work to do on ourselves. That she keeps yoyoing and dragging me with her. That she vacillates between staying and going. She's afraid that things will go back to the way they were. I agreed with her and told her I can't accept them that way either.

She also told me that she wants the passion back that we had at the beginning. I'm focused on building attraction and she's given me hints that there's a little something happening, but nothing overwhelming yet.

This morning started out well, but there was an earlier miscommunication from weeks ago on a trip we're taking that I tried talking to her about. I slipped up on a 180 and used some of the trigger phrases from before and things spiraled out of control a bit. I even pointed out that we're doing our dance and attempted to "redo" what I had said. She kept her cool for a bit... but soon started attacking me... about how incompetent I was, can't do anything right, blah, blah. Nothing as bad as it was before. I disengaged stating that I will fix the issue and that we'd talk when she'd calmed down.

She kept talk about how crappy I was, etc. So I finished getting ready for work and left after saying goodbye to the boys. She called me annoyed that I hadn't said goodbye to her as well and then tried to guilt me into feeling bad about all kinds of stuff. I calmly stated that I won't put up with the being put down (a good 180).

When I got to work, I fixed the issue and forwarded the results to her with an explanation. She emailed me back saying that this makes her very happy that its taken care of.

If she goes to the counselor, then this would be very good regardless of where we end up.

[Sherman333]

Holy cr@p. My wife after all this says she wants to work on things.

What a roller-coaster. She said what finally melted her heart is that our foster son kept asking her how her day was.

She says we need to have a balance in everything going forward.... between kids, us, house, everything.

I don't entirely trust her and there's a lot of stuff to address.

[Starsky309]

Then tell her "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore." Or, "Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore."

Then come here for careful advice.

Listen to me: you get ONE SHOT AT THIS. The single biggest mistake on these forums is betrayed spouses letting their wayward spouses back too easily.

Re-read that.

If she's sincere, she's not going anywhere. And if she's NOT, you want no part of it anyway.

STALL.

Starsky

[Sherman333]

Got it. But then what?

I have a list of things i wrote down on what I want in a spouse. I've asked her to do the same. Some of the items are a must and some i can negotiate on.

One that is a must is that she has to get the anger under control.

What other advise do you have for next steps?