Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[Complex]

That was a good post Zew!
I do all the right things and it took me a while to start feeling them too. Once I thought I really do feel them I started believing sth like "now that I got what it takes, I can do this and can take the next steps". I kind of started believing that I have to take action saving my marriage actively. Which probably is stupid bc I should continue what I do and not change plans just because I feel confident again.

[Sotto]

The 'saving my marriage actively' is a funny thing. Most of us here want to save our M's and are very active in doing that. However, it's the counter intuitiveness of the process that gets to you. Much of my 'active saving' has been doing LRT and not initiating contact with H - whilst building up my own life here etc..

I think the thing is - the active saving won't actually be seen as such by the WAS - but may well be working just below the surface. Or it may not work at all - but hopefully we'll emerge wiser and happier...

[Complex]

Very true. We are all active like crazy. But it's a) for ourselves and b) to subconciously change our WAS mind. I wouldn't say its tricking them, it's more like getting them to see the person again that they actually married and of course we gotta become that person again too.
I feel the reward of DBing is absolutely awesome on a personal level and if it works it's going to be extremely rewarding for the M too.
That's why I do this. Bc of the reward for myself and the people I love.

The feeling that came up with my confidence though is that I should do MORE. Which can completely go wrong bc you think you got it this time, but your spouse doesn't see anything differently. That's why we have to continue to just DB and nothing else, do your thing to a point where we are certain that WAS starts having second thoughts. If you are a good observer you might be able to pick this up, then act cautiously bc WAS will get second thoughts on the second thoughts and pull back.
But that is my goal. To get to the point where I see W starting to have thought process. Then it's meaning business
I'm just afraid of physical separation. That'll make things harder. I'm blessed right now.

[susana4]

Hey Complex, sounds like you're getting to a good place. Continue to work on yourself, but careful not to confuse doing more/working actively on your M, with re-focusing your attention on your W or building up expectations. Keep working on you!

[Complex]

Yap. That's danger #1: expectations.

I'm curious about starting conversations. I don't want to seem pursuing, but it actually works to engage her sometimes if the timing is right. Haven't done it much but it breaks the ice once in a while. W seems to really mirror my behaviour.

[susana4]

What sort of conversation? I think if it's light and casual, e.g. asking about her day, that's fine.

[Complex]

Ya just daily stuff. Nothing serious.
Sometimes when she feels good she "unloads" work stories or other stuff on me and gets really talkative...and then seems to pull back. Yesterday she showed me baby pictures of her friend and told me the birth story^^.
I'm always trying to be a good listener and validate.
She doesn't tell me too much tho. We don't see that often.

She isn't asking too much about my well being tho. Maybe "how was 'event x'?".
If I keep my answers very short, she gets short in her things too. If I am easy going and tell her some she seems ok and more talkative too. As long as I keep it 'short enough'.

At night we are both home after 7-8 half the week. She's watching "Friends" on Netflix on the couch. I usually stay at the kitchen table and eat and watch too and sometime we both laugh if the show is funny.
Then we go to bed and say goodnight.

So all that pretty much sums up my interactions with W.
Guess some people here would give a lot for this little bit so I can't complain. And it isn't affecting me being with her under a roof. I'm not nervous around her anymore and she doesn't seem pissed that I'm there. She was when I was controlling. Right now I just keep it simple and on the short side.


I think I'm doing ok in these interactions!?

[susana4]

I think they sound ok, as long as you're keeping it friendly and light and no expectations. I was told by my coach to ask questions but not talk too much about my own day/stuff, but just ask H questions about his and listen and validate, HOWEVER I realise that was just in regards to my sitch so it might be a different case in yours. I guess I would say try it for awhile and evaluate how it's working - do what works, right?

[Complex]

Exactly.
I had a good weekend out of town for work. It was a lot of fun and I also think the meds are starting to work better. My mood just improved and my thoughts stay in a straighter line, if you know what I mean.

W's brother texted me and asked how I am doing. He seems to care too. I know he likes me too. Texted with her mom today, she said W needs a counselor to talk to about her problems bc she is talking to absolutely no one in the family about what's going on. Everyone is wondering and they want to understand her but no one does. And W thinks no one understands her either, lol. Her mom asked two older cousins to talk to her, both of them are/used to be respect persons for W. But W doesn't want to and got mad at her mom.
I just told her mom to not pressure W and to rather make her feel loved, because 'the only way into someone's heart is love'.

I'm tired from the weekend but I'm so freaking busy. I added up hours per week, college & work and I got to 50-60h a week. Plus gym and so on..I hope I'm not overdoing it^^

[twinmom]

50-60hrs.... no your fine, lol! Lots of us here put in major work/kids/gal hours