Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Kramer]

Newest update: She hired movers and moved in to her new house yesterday. She ended up taking some disputed items and I confronted her (via text, since I am at a conference) on this. She did not respond so I proceded to tell her that I guess it's time to get lawyers involved. Immediately, her 17 year old son starts texting me and badmouthing me, asking why I was taking his mother to court and accusing me of lying that I still love him and his mother. I took the high road and told him that this conversation should be between his more and me, and that there are always 2 sides to every story.

I also told her that it wasn't necessarily the property that I was upset about, but the complete lack of respect and communication. This whole affair discovery, separation, divorce, and moving out experience has been done primarily via text and email. Whenever I attempt to have a face to face talk, she just gets emotional and starts crying. We discuss a few things and then the conversation breaks down. She tells me that she is sad and "sorry", but doesn't offer any specifics regarding WHAT she is sorry for.

She continues to portray the victim and constantly brings up my shortcomings, such as poor money management, emotional distancing, and a controlling behavior. All of these are valid to a certain point, and I have admitted my faults and made strides to change. However, despite those shortcomings, it was not a reason to enter into an ongoing affair and lead a double life with me. If she was truly that unhappy, she should have insisted on MC at the time, or filed for divorce then. As far as I'm concerned, she lost all sympathy when she entered into this hurtful affair.

During our texting conversation yesterday, I was trying to limit the conversation to necessary legal issues only, but it soon veered off topic. We have 2 dogs that we love, but they, along with everybody else, have been ignored by her since she has Ben in her fantasy life. Her new place doesn't allow dogs, and her BF doesn't like dogs. She has the audacity to tell me that she wants visitation rights with the dogs! WTF? I informed her that her lifestyle was too busy at the moment, and that it was not a good idea.


She then proceeds to tell me that I am always off traveling. Keep in mind that as a couple, we did a lot of travelling and getaways, which I typically planned and paid for up to a year in advance. 2 of our favorite places to go are Carmel and Maui, and I booked these trips 6 months ago for us. Keep in mind that they are already paid for. Again, she has the audacity to tell me that she would never go on those trips without me, and trying to make me feel guilty. I asked her if the situation were reversed and I was the one having an affair, would she go without me? Of course she says no, but I find that hard to believe. The ironic thing is that these places remind me of her constantly, and although I am enjoying myself, it is also quite sad as well. I am trying to GAL and move on with my life. Why should I sit home by myself and be depressed?

So what do you make of this? Reading between the lines, I think that she still has feelings and is envious that I am moving forward. I can't help but think that she has gotten so far ahead of herself with these life changing decisions/actions, and cannot stop the train. I don't think that she has thought about the long term repercussions of her actions. Our finances are going to suffer greatly with divorce and 2 households, and half of her 403b retirement and pension will be mine. She will also inherit half of our (substantial) debts I'm sure she is going to play the guilt card, but California law is quite clear regarding divorce (50/50 community property). She already borrowed money from OM to pay for movers and rent expenses. How long before he realizes that he is going to be her sugar daddy? He wants nothing to do with her family and kids. What happens when she breaks out of her fog and wants to reintegrate her family? And trust me, her family has a LOT of drama.

I realize that I cannot control anything but myself, and I am trying to move forward in my life and be a better person. For me. By the same token, I don't want to prematurely close the door to reconciliation with my wife. I think that I need to limit conversations to strictly legal issues, and continue to detach and GAL. She needs to realize and experience the repercussions and consequences of her actions.

How do I accomplish all of this without being a jerk? I am ordinarily a kind and caring person, and I don't want her or others to think that I am an a-hole. By the same token, I don't want to be given a guilt trip or taken advantage of.

Help please!

[Starsky309]

How do I accomplish all of this without being a jerk? I am ordinarily a kind and caring person, and I don't want her or others to think that I am an a-hole. By the same token, I don't want to be given a guilt trip or taken advantage of.

Help please!

During my sitch, my mentor on here (and offline) gave me an invaluable piece of advice. In fact it was probably THE biggest piece of advice I got, maybe along with "You need to realize that YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER," but it was this:

In every situation, instead of making a decision based on "Will she be angry? How will she react? How will her reaction make ME feel?" . . . and instead replace it with "What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"

And then let the chips fall where they may.

[Kramer]

Starsky, I hear what you're saying. However, I believe Jesus would say to turn the other cheek and give her whatever she asks for. That material things don't mater. That I should forgive her for all of her transgressions and pray for her heart to soften.

I believe in God, but I'm having a hard time understanding what His master plan is at the moment.

[Starsky309]

Starsky, I hear what you're saying. However, I believe Jesus would say to turn the other cheek and give her whatever she asks for. That material things don't mater. That I should forgive her for all of her transgressions and pray for her heart to soften.

I believe in God, but I'm having a hard time understanding what His master plan is at the moment.

We each have a different understanding of our Lord then. Even as He forgave the adulteress, he also said "Go and sin no more," and He also knew how to summon up His righteous indignation and throw over the moneychangers' tables when they were defiling the temple.

When it's just your pride or dignity, and doesn't affect other innocents, then YES, we are to turn the other cheek. And we're NEVER to be a jerk or an a-hole. But I do believe that as Christians we are allowed to (expected to?) protect our households, our finances, and certainly our families.

Also, it depends on if you believe that it's best for HER to give her everything she claims to want, or -- if in her current condition -- she is more like a child and you don't just give them what you know isn't good for them?

Sheltering her from the natural consequences of her own poor choices (sin, if you choose) is neither good for you OR her.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Let me also try to convey to you a more personal example, Kramer.

For years, thru first a sex-starved marriage and then eventually my wife's affair and deceit (and our near-divorce), I used to pray -- yea, CRY OUT -- to God to save me. Rescue me, from the pain of my wife's lack of affection, from the pain of her betrayal. "Change her heart" I used to BEG of Him. "Cause her to _______, and to see ________." That sort of thing.

For like 15 YEARS.

Through the pain of our sitch in 2007-09 -- pain that I wouldn't intentionally WISH on ANYBODY -- there did come a lot of personal GROWTH, for both of us. And a big part of that growth for me was finally realizing that maybe GOD WANTED ME TO DO SOMETHING, and not just cry out to Him.

Slowly, I rediscovered my center . . . my very integrity. And I fought -- I fought for my wife and for our family, with every ounce of my being. I learned to confront, to establish and enforce boundaries, to protect myself financially and legally and NONE of that came naturally to me. STILL doesn't. By nature, I'm am a classic pleaser/"Mr. Nice Guy" type believe it or not. But I kept getting this picture of the joke about the guy that is on the roof of his house, in the rising flood waters, and God sends the three boats -- do you know that one? Look it up.

Sometimes, you gotta DO something.



Do Something
Song by Matthew West


I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how’d we ever get so far down
How’s it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”

Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
Said, “God, why don’t You do something?”

He said, “I did, I created you”

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something

. . .

[Kramer]

I'm not entirely sure what to do. I am going to counseling and working on my issues that contributed to her unhappiness, mainly control, selfishness, and rigidity in my thinking. I am trying to not be so anal about things and more "no big thing" attitude instead. I am working at clearing our debts and becoming more fiscally responsible. Notice that I said "our" debts instead of "my" debts. She is just as responsible as I am for this. We BOTH enjoyed the lifestyle that we led.

I am limiting our communication to legal issues only and it is so hard. These past 2 daysI have been cleaning the house after my wife and her youngest son moved out while I was at a conference. It was not an unexpected move, but I certainly did not expect the mess that they left behind. I came across a bunch of old letters and journal entries from her, and it appears that she has been unhappy for a number of years. I wish that she would have confronted me about that so that wecould have worked on our issues instead of blowing up the entire family like she did. I realize that her affair probably was the catalyst for this action, but it would have been nice if I would have been given an opportunity to make things better.

Sandi2 posted a very informative entry about wayward spouse versus walk away wife. I think that my wife is definitely a wayward spouse, and she is deep in the throes of her affair. I do not see it changing anytime soon. I have no choice but to move forward with my life, make my own personal improvements, and protect myself financially/legally.it is so very hard to do this. Everything I do, from going to the grocery store, out to eat, or walking around the neighborhood, reminds me of her and our relationship together. I just got back from Costco, and even that brought back a flood of memories, because of the large size of our family. Now it's just me and her 18-year-old niece living alone in a 4000 square-foot house. Very sad.

[Kramer]

I am posting again, and sincerely hope for some feedback.

As mentioned earlier, my wife has now officially moved out into her own place, and filed for divorce in January 2015, although I STILL do not have papers. She continues with her affair, and he is "the love of her life". Sandi posted an excellent entry regarding wayward wife, which is what my wife truly is.

She continues to rewrite history, and is telling everyone how she has been unhappy for years, how controlling and selfish I have been over the years, and that this divorce has been a long time in coming. She fails to mention all of the fun times we had together as a family, how we raised 9 children together in a loving home, how I stayed with her as support during years of legal issues with her children, and much more. I'm sure her plan is to give it enough time so that she can introduce OM, and tell people that they got together after she divorced me.

I am still up and down with my emotions, but am now accepting that our marriage is over, and that the woman that I married is no longer there. We have separated accounts and bills, and are moving forward in this manner. I am still very sad and hold out whatever slim hope there is for reconciliation, but I am also a realist and must deal with what is, not what I wish.

Here's my question:

Is it normal for WW to completely turn their back on everything related to the marriage? She has not contacted my children or grandchildren since I discovered her affair, and they were always so close. My daughter's birthday was yesteday, and not even a text from my wife. She left behind all of our pictures when she left, and even the clothes that she wore on our vacations. This just seems so angry, spiteful, sad, and selfish on so many levels.

I suppose a silver lining would be that this behavior convinces me that my wife is no longer who I thought she was, and I do not like the person that has replaced her.

[Starsky309]

Not usually, but it's not rare, either. Maybe 10% of the time?

The "good side" to that coin, if there is one, is -- to me, anyway -- it would show that she's still highly conflicted about the choice she is making. Otherwise, she wouldn't try to "wall off" so many people she formerly cared about.


Starsky

[raliced]

Hey Kramer,

Is it normal? I don't know that there's any true normal in these situations. But I will say that it doesn't sound unusual. My STBX left with just his clothes. He didn't take a lot of his personal possessions that predate our marriage. He was very close to my parents and doesn't speak to them anymore. He barely speaks to his own family and basically just responds to texts from his mother. Happily he still spends time with our young children. But that's about it. So, what your wife is doing, sadly, is not that unusual.

[Kramer]

Not usually, but it's not rare, either. Maybe 10% of the time?

The "good side" to that coin, if there is one, is -- to me, anyway -- it would show that she's still highly conflicted about the choice she is making. Otherwise, she wouldn't try to "wall off" so many people she formerly cared about.


Starsky

Just curiously, how do you read that she is conflicted? To me, it seems that she is just hateful and wants no reminders of our 17 years together. I honestly wonder if she will ever speak with me or my family ever again once divorce is final. Just 6 months ago we were all together as a family, laughing and playing games together. Sigh.