Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[Zelda09]

S, it's ok. You have held it together in an amazing way, steeped in positivity for a while. Ever hear of ppl getting sick when their life finally calms down and they can afford to?

I think you've been repressing some of this for a while , and it's all normal. It's ok. Just let it move through you, know you'll be steadier once it does.

[Zues126]

I don't really feel sure right now about whether I'd want to R if given the opportunity, but I also know not to close the door just yet. I remember reading through Train's old threads early on in her sitch she talked about not being sure if she wanted her H back but DBing just in case.

So, I think I will carry on. Back in the game.

[susana4]

Thanks Zelda - you're absolutely right. Thank you for your support, it really means so much to me. ((())) I used to get that, to a lesser extent, when I was at college and I'd get an awful cold/flu every year just after finishing exams.

The thing is I feel really guilty about feeling down and angry - but I always hear (harder to implement) that it's better if you just accept your feelings and sit with them, and they will leave sooner. I think there is also some fear in here - I felt like H moved a little bit closer, so my urge is to protect myself by running away, or building up a protective wall of anger.

[Zues126]

*Disclaimer- some opinions here that may vary from person to person*

I understand feeling resentment for the pain he is causing. I understand feeling frustrated that you are the one that has to carry the weight. I understand questioning whether a person that could do this could ever be a good partner for you.

But I DON'T understand questioning whether you'd stay in the M.

I get that you may not 'feel' like it. But what does 'feeling' like love, or 'feeling' like R have to do with it? When you thinking about whether to work on your M in terms of whether you 'feel' like it, well, you might as well give up because you'll never last anyway. Kind of like the M ceremony where both people vowed to stay married "as long as their love should last". Good luck

My motto has always been "Act with the character I WISH my ex had". How can you find your H's lack of commitment hurtful, and then literally kick around the idea of doing the same thing (giving up on the M)?

I agree there are points at which you have to close the door. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but my STBX and I haven't spoken in 3 months, she's been with another man for 8, and she's living in a way (alcoholism, addiction, and destruction) that I can't be part of. I am filing D myself with the SUPPORT OF MY DB COACH because she said it was a gift to her to do something that would allow her to take full responsibility for her actions.

Point is right now I can't imagine us together. I think I love the person I thought she was, but I don't feel love to her. I have fond memories. But she is my W and the mother of my children. I'm not longing after her, nor do I expect anything to change between us, and 100% of my life is about going forward. Yet if she pulled out of her waywardness, took accountability, and wanted to R, well, I'd shake my head with disbelief and wouldn't jump into anything, but I might give her some time to grow and see who she turned into. If she grew into a good woman, one that I still had love for...why wouldn't I leave the door open to remarrying her? Not sure about that, I doubt it will be relevant. But my point is 1) VOWS ARE SERIOUS and 2) FEELINGS DON'T MATTER (for the most part).

In your sitch you are going out on dates, ML, and he is saying nice things about you and wanting to spend time with you, and in the .0001% not in an active PA. That's not to say it's "getting better", it might get worse, but darn, this seems like a sitch close to T3024's that just worked out splendidly. I get that your needs aren't being met and pain is being inflicted. You can feel hurt and that hurt can be turned to anger. Totally fine. But I'd encourage you to lose the talk about not being sure about R. I get that it's scary when you can't see the road ahead, but there is ALWAYS a path.

[Burger]

Zues, that is a great post. It really hits home with me right now.

[susana4]

Thank you Zues, I needed that 2x4. And I do agree with all your opinions, I just got a little lost recently.

How can you find your H's lack of commitment hurtful, and then literally kick around the idea of doing the same thing (giving up on the M)?
So true, this is the 2x4 I needed most. In the beginning I set down the path of DBing *because* I take my commitments seriously and I wanted to know I'd done everything I could to save my M, so that no matter what I could look back and feel I acted with integrity. Now, I haven't acted on my feelings of the last few days (thank God) but my feelings have not been in line with my beliefs, which is that I took my vows seriously and can't just walk away. And you're right, I am being very hypocritical atm.

We all know love is a choice and feelings shouldn't play into our actions. But it's harder in practice to choose to love someone who's hurting you. But, I set out in the beginning of my DR journey to unconditionally love H. Not to take cr@p from him, but to love him. So I guess now is the time to 'choose to love' even though the loving 'feeling' is gone. Gotta dig deep.

I know my sitch is in a much better place than many on here (and I have such admiration for people on here who keep going in the bleakest of situations). I feel a little guilty for feeling down at this point in my sitch. But, I have come to the conclusion it's a defense mechanism, like I said I have felt H move a bit closer and my reaction is to build up a wall of anger, or feel the desire to run.

I think the anger is understandable but I also don't think it's good for me to be feeling this much hurt, anger and resentment. I have always had trouble trusting, and being open and vulnerable. So I guess a 180 would be to take down the wall of anger, and be open. My question for myself (which I need to ponder a bit) is whether and how I can do this without opening myself up to more hurt?

Thanks for mentioning T0324's sitch, I am going to read up on it later (looks to be long so will take my time over the coming days!). I really like reading other's sitches and learning from what they have done.

[Elly4]

Susana, I'm sorry your weekend was tough emotionally? I'm going to have next weekend free and just relax with my S, but I'm worried if I'll go into my head too much.

It takes a lot of energy and time to do the work we are doing. The days I get lost, down, or even question whether it's a relationship I want to save, I remind myself that these doubts are part of the process. From everything that I have read on here and in the books, we should be looking forward to a new existence for ourselves, with the hope that finding ourselves will bring our marriages back into alignment in a new and better way. That's not a guarantee that in the end it will work or that we will want it to work out. The end result is that we are better people for ourselves and more at peace with our lives.

I'll welcome any of the more experienced to correct me if I'm wrong. This is one of my longest posts I think. It's been a very reflective day.

Oh, and btw, through your inspiration, the three of us made a deep dish pizza tonight that was heaven to eat!

[susana4]

Hi Eirinn, just make sure you have some nice plans for yourself and S. I hope you have a nice weekend. I have spent other weekends apart from H and found it a nice break, it was just this weekend that was hard for me but I don't think it was because he was away, it was because I'd just reached a point of doubt, so don't worry. You will be fine, just keep on going!

I think you are right on your assessment.

And I'm glad to have inspired you on the pizza! Mmm...deep dish!

I'm still feeling the anger/resentment and really down. H is back from his ski trip shortly, and I'm working from home today but opted to go to a coffee shop so I wouldn't be there when he got back. I will have to go home briefly to drop off my computer before going to meet my friend for a movie. I am trying to minimise how much time I see him for tonight because I don't want him to see my current mood. I will have to bring good dose of 'acting as if' PMA!

[susana4]

well, that wasn't too bad, don't think I let anger come through (I actually made him laugh a *lot*) and I didn't feel hatred when I looked at him. Was pretty pleased with how well I think I acted as if.

Went home to drop off stuff and put on some red lipstick before meeting my friend for cinema. H was there, working on his side project for work. He was warm but not extremely talkative, didn't tell me much about his trip but I guess that gives us something to talk about at dinner tomorrow. He did ask me if we were still on for pizza tomorrow night.
He asked to see the video B and I made and after watching it told me I did really great and then patted me on the head. Patted!! Like a 5 year old!

I have to admit, having the following conversation felt good.
H: blah blah blah oh and I can show you my skiing videos later. what are we going to do for dinner tonight?
Me: oh, I'm actually going to the cinema tonight.
H: oh? Well...I guess I'll make dinner then... Will you want some?
Me: oh yes if you could set some aside that would be great, might be late though.



Then I went and touched up my hair and makeup. He was on the phone with his mum when I went to say bye, so I was just going to wave and head off but as I started to leave he put his mum on mute and came over to wish me a good night and give me a hug.

I'm in a bad mood but not related to H at all. Just before I headed out I discovered a troll on reddit bashing me (my blog/recipes). Guess I need to detach not just from H.

[susana4]

He also asked to my finger that I was saying I burned on hot oil the other day, nearly kissed it and then realised what he was doing and pulled back. Lol!