So I had my GAL acitivity of coaching my daughter's BBall team today. It was the last game of the season - with the obligatory pizza party and trophy presentation afterwards. Two things of note happened.
There's a very talented girl on my team who was also on the soccer team I coached and D6's Tball team a couple of years ago. I've seen her and her mom around lots. Never saw the dad until this year's soccer season when he was at every practice and every game. I never thought much about it - and if I did I guess I just assumed he couldn't be there because of work issues (much like my own STBX). I found out today that they had in fact been separated for years (at least 3). Apparently during the time that the girls were in TBall together, he wasn't much of a dad at all and was barely in her life. Now? They are back together and expecting twins in May. So, without knowing a lot of detail - I guess this kind of thing really does happen.
Then the second thing. My dear D3 - who has never wanted to be more than 10 yards away from me, suddenly developed an adventurous side and wandered out of the restaurant unobserved, while I was chatting with a parent. Full on chaos ensued; at least 25 adults scouring the pizza place and outside, Raliced frantically running around and coming very close to hyperventilation, an anguished 911 call...the works. And then we discovered her. She had apparently decided to go back to the car, couldn't find it and wandered the parking lot. And then calm, icy-veined Raliced completely lost it in public, and sobbed on her daughter's shoulders. After that small taste of what is pretty much the worst thing I can imagine... Divorce? Losing STBX? Starting life over at 44? All childs play.
Nothing much to report here. Still hurtling towards divorce. My MIL is coming on Thursday and we’re going to take the girls to the coast for the weekend. And while she is here to distract them, I’m going to get a few major household projects done – finish setting up the garage to my preferred usage and getting the patio ready to go for grilling season. Alas, due to divorce, won’t be able to afford the better class of grill I wanted till next year. Started GAL of assistant coaching girls softball team.
Two non-sightings of STBX. My sister ran into him in the grocery store while he had D3. D3 immediately started calling out to her, and STBX pretended he didn’t hear her or see my sister, and literally ran up the aisle to abruptly pay for his purchases. Then yesterday, he had to drop off D6’s swim gear that he forgot to return last week. I told him he could drop it off with us at softball practice (it’s an hour and a half round trip). Instead of saying hi to the girls, he just put it in my car and took off. Finally, I guess I’ve been thinking somewhat about memory. Before I get started on my theoretical ramble, let me reiterate that I’m not talking about the rewriting of marital history – that’s something totally different.
I have what most people tell me is a pretty freakish memory. It’s not photographic or anything. But, for instance, one of my high school friends ran into someone she thought might have been a classmate and since she couldn't remember him – she asked me if I did. I immediately rattled off 4 year's worth of classes we had all had together, all the names of the kids he hung out with and the fact that he inexplicably wore a different Minnesota North Stars hockey jersey almost every day – and I haven’t thought about this kid in 25 years. I only take notes at work meetings so that people feel that I am paying attention, I almost never refer back to them, I can keep dates, contacts, and project plans in my head without any effort. If a family member can’t remember where an old picture was taken they come to me and I give them the year, location, circumstance…you get the idea.
STBX is the opposite. He wouldn’t be able to tell you what he wore yesterday. I don’t think a day goes by that he doesn’t have to reset a password he forgot. I could give a page worth of examples, but take my word for it – it’s pretty bad.
So – how does this relate to our marriage? I think sometimes, that because it’s so much easier for me to remember all the good times, it affected how I looked at the bad times. When I had the first vague stirrings of uneasiness that he might be having an affair, I was able to instantly retrieve all the negative things he had said about cheaters for a decade and all the positive things he had said about commitment and family. I think, in addition to a healthy dose of denial, it really colored my perception of what was probably pretty obvious.
Likewise, I wonder if STBX's bad memory kept him from looking back and remembering all the good things and bonding moments. He didn't have the same emotional touchstone that I did.
Anyway- doesn't affect anything – just something I think about as I stroll around the building to get some air.
My MIL has been in town since last week. Although STBX picked her up from the airport, she has stayed with me the entire time - no plans to meet OW apparently. If I had been living with a guy for 8 months and his mom came to town and there was no meeting, I think it would bother me - but who knows what they think in that household.
Anyway - I'm blessed with my in-laws. MIL said again that she was so grateful the girls had such a "wonderful" mother.
We took the girls to the coast for the weekend and had a lovely time. During the trip we decided we would vacation together in Hawaii in 2016 - so MIL clearly has no intention of letting the relationship lapse.
Tomorrow is D6's birthday. Trying to figure out how I will squeeze in all the baking tonight. Why does her class have 25 kids - why can't it be a nice even 24, so that I don't have to make two batches of cupcakes to accommodate that 25th kid
Lately I think, I would just like to wake up one morning and not have impending divorce be the first thing I think of. I don't think of it in a sad or angry way at the moment - more in sort of wearied way. I have a full slate of GAL activities and a challenging work schedule but I can't seem to kick that topic further down my brain.
Raliced, that's so great that you and MIL have stayed such good friends. It does not sound as though MIL is remotely interested in meeting OW!
25 - that's a pain! I bet if you do 25, one or two of them will be absent anyway. But if you do just 24, every single one will be there.
I hear you about the train of thought. I wish the same. And I do thought stop and move onto other things....but it creeps back in. There will come a day for us both when that no longer happens & we'll appreciate it all the more...
Happy baking!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's D7's birthday! Managed to knock out the 25 cupcakes although there is blue frosting splattered absolutely everywhere in the kitchen this morning.
She is a very precious girl. I can't believe how outgoing and social she is (given that I am her mother) and how fun, joyful and compassionate she can be. I am very lucky.
And now I need to segue off of this happy topic and onto a more perplexing one - namely STBX.
I'm not sure how to explain this exactly. STBX behaves as though he is afraid of me. He set this whole divorce in motion and now has turned completely passive and seems to expect me to drive everything and he defers to me on everything child related. I see the amount of communication that goes on even in very strained situations on other threads and I'm always a little flummoxed.
So - I know that he's supposed to "own" his relationship with the kids - but it was D7's birthday so I sent him a text this morning explaining our schedule for the day and asking if he wanted to call or Facetime with her and if so, at what time. A little background here. STBX has told me since the beginning that his cell phone does not get service where he lives (with OW) and that there is no landline. He told me he would get a landline about 4 months ago for emergencies but nothing became of it. Usually on Sundays (while he is on patrol) , he stops somewhere with free wifi and texts and asks to facetime with D7. I have always assumed that he had internet access at his house because some of the emails that he sent me regarding divorce were in the middle of the night on days that he wasn't working, and that he just hadn't bothered to install wifi.
So today when I texted him it was with the idea that he would have to drive somewhere to Facetime and we should prearrange a time. He texted back that he was available all night, and would leave it up to D7, if she wanted to chat as long as it was ok with me.
I responded that he didn't have phone reception at his house so didn't we need to arrange a time? And as I typed it I realized something. Of course he has had a landline phone all this time. He and OW both are in Law Enforcement and they have to be reachable in case of an emergency. Duh, Raliced, duh. I saw him start a text 3 times before he finally replied "I just had a landline and internet installed".
I did no begging or pleading in my situation. We have been separated for 8 months and in that time I have asked to talk to him (prearranged) by phone exactly twice. Once for something to do with the mortgage and once last week to discuss what he had told D7 about Divorce. I am hardly intrusive. Yet he goes to great lengths to hide everything he possibly can about his living situation to the extent of not initiating any calls to his children when he is home.
When I did speak with him last week, he brought up the car insurance. I confess, that was one detail in this whole thing I had completely forgotten. He told me he had been paying it on a monthly basis since January - the bill and renewal notice went to his house so I didn't see them. But he apparently was too scared or withdrawn to say anything to me for almost three months.
I know none of our situations are "normal", but doesn't this all seem a little weird? I don't get it.
