Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[Complex]

Sorry to hear Susanna you are still rollercoastering. You did sound very depressed today. At least it got better. You know where there are valleys there are hills too. Hang in there!
Your medication doesn't seem to work to well either. What did they put you on?
Since I take mine I did not cry a single tear. It feels like I can not cry. Just can't.
I don't have much time to read much more what happened but I tell you you are more mature than him, depression or not. I said it before but 28 for a guy is fairly young. I can only speak for myself but I was in a different place 5 years ago maturity wise.
I hope he will have some energy to figure his stuff out. I don't see how you can help him with that right now.
Sandi always told me: You can't teach WAS a lesson. Life has to!

Don't let yourself down. You have choices in your life, and in my experience time usually reveals what is the right thing to do. Don't overthink things. Focus on yourself (you heard that 100 times already, I know, so did I).
If you feel down get it out, cry but then tell youself: now I cried enough, time to think of sth positive. Don't he too hard on yourself. Learn to love yourself again.

[susana4]

Hi Susana

Sounds as though your day improved anyway....

Interesting on the reading there, and useful to look at things in a more compassionate way. I think it you feel really angry, it's pretty hard for that not to become evident to your S in some way. If you can genuinely get to a place of feeling some compassion, it's so much better - for you if nothing else!

I found reading stuff about MLC useful for kindness. The descriptions of the MLC stages on the Hearts blessings website were useful for me. and I certainly feel there is an element of MLC in our sitch.

The other thing to remember is - whatever is causing your sitch - your H isn't in a good place atm. Being a WAS is not a great place to be. We hear that from WAS's kind enough to post honestly about their experiences on the forum. Like Sandi...

Thanks T. Yes, my day got better once I finally managed to force myself to stop crying (I know that sounds ridiculous, it should be an easy choice). I did a little shopping and enjoyed my dinner and a movie.

I'll check out the MLC site you mentioned. I know you mentioned some of the MLC stuff before, and it does seem in some ways like my H is going through an MLC type thing, he seems way too young but he certainly has the FOO issues.

Yes, I don't want the hatred or anger to bleed over and I'm sure it would become obvious if he were here. He is extremely perceptive of/over sensitive to my moods (think it goes back to his FOO issues). I'm glad he's away while I'm going through this and hope that I'll be more stable before he gets back from his trip. He does seem to time his ski trips impeccably - last time while he was away I started on antidepressants (and didn't do well the first few days) and this time I'm all over the map again! Somehow I managed to be pretty stable between the trips. Maybe I just subconsciously time my breakdowns for when he's away and I know I can cry freely?

PSA for ladies in the UK: no need to buy anything overly fancy, Superdrug own brand (B range) waterproof mascara has proven perfectly good over the course of my sitch!

[Wonka]

Susana,

I am pretty sure that your H isn't going through MLC.

[susana4]

Sorry to hear Susanna you are still rollercoastering. You did sound very depressed today. At least it got better. You know where there are valleys there are hills too. Hang in there!
Your medication doesn't seem to work to well either. What did they put you on?
Since I take mine I did not cry a single tear. It feels like I can not cry. Just can't.
I don't have much time to read much more what happened but I tell you you are more mature than him, depression or not. I said it before but 28 for a guy is fairly young. I can only speak for myself but I was in a different place 5 years ago maturity wise.
I hope he will have some energy to figure his stuff out. I don't see how you can help him with that right now.
Sandi always told me: You can't teach WAS a lesson. Life has to!

Don't let yourself down. You have choices in your life, and in my experience time usually reveals what is the right thing to do. Don't overthink things. Focus on yourself (you heard that 100 times already, I know, so did I).
If you feel down get it out, cry but then tell youself: now I cried enough, time to think of sth positive. Don't he too hard on yourself. Learn to love yourself again.

Thanks Complex. I think the meds are working - yesterday and today excepted, i have been in a much better place, and if my scores show (I have to do some questionnaires before each IC session which rate my mood and anxiety levels) I have improved since starting the meds. I don't know if they're fully kicked in though, I will discuss today in my next IC. They definitely haven't stopped me crying completely though. That sounds like it's not right, yours stopped you feeling like you can cry? Seems a bit too much?
I've got sertraline (think that's Zoloft).

I don't think there have been any major developments since you last checked in. None of this seems to have been brought on in any way by anything external in my sitch, if anything my sitch seems to have been developing somewhat positively, this has just led me to question things and whether I would want to R or not, whether I want to continue on this path or whether i just want to run away. So it all kind of boils down to stuff going on in my head. Guess this goes to show how we have control over how we feel.

[susana4]

Susana,

I am pretty sure that your H isn't going through MLC.

Hi Wonka,
Is that because of his age (he does seem too young) or because he doesn't fit the profile?

[Wonka]

Susana,

Susana,

I am pretty sure that your H isn't going through MLC.

Hi Wonka,
Is that because of his age (he does seem too young) or because he doesn't fit the profile?

We've had some young MLCers. I was what some people may consider a "young MLCer" as I started my own MLC when I was 32.

To me, a true MLCer generally exhibits those behaviors/tendencies:

-Prolonged covert depression (some overt)
-Memory is shot/vacant eyes
-Feeling an enormous amount of pressure
-Feeling trapped
-Insatiable need to "run away" (i.e., moving out or even moving many miles away)
-Having Jekyll/Hyde swings (between nice and monstering)
-Thinks that the world is the problem...not the MLCer
-Absolutely not interested in "working" on the M because they're not the ones with a 'problem'

From what I read in your threads, I do not see H exhibiting any of those MLC "symptoms" to date.

He is just a WAS who is frustrated and probably feeling out of his depth in understanding what entails a real marriage is all about...not the Disney version. I sense he is a bit slow in coming to the realization that M is hard work and one has to really work at it like a beautiful rose one tends to on a regular basis.

Hope this helps.

[susana4]

Susana,

Susana,

I am pretty sure that your H isn't going through MLC.

Hi Wonka,
Is that because of his age (he does seem too young) or because he doesn't fit the profile?

We've had some young MLCers. I was what some people may consider a "young MLCer" as I started my own MLC when I was 32.

To me, a true MLCer generally exhibits those behaviors/tendencies:

-Prolonged covert depression (some overt)
-Memory is shot/vacant eyes
-Feeling an enormous amount of pressure
-Feeling trapped
-Insatiable need to "run away" (i.e., moving out or even moving many miles away)
-Having Jekyll/Hyde swings (between nice and monstering)
-Thinks that the world is the problem...not the MLCer
-Absolutely not interested in "working" on the M because they're not the ones with a 'problem'

From what I read in your threads, I do not see H exhibiting any of those MLC "symptoms" to date.

Wonka, thanks for the description of MLC! That's really helpful - and nope, that doesn't sound like my H! (I didn't realise MLC could start that young though, interesting.)

He is just a WAS who is frustrated and probably feeling out of his depth in understanding what entails a real marriage is all about...not the Disney version. I sense he is a bit slow in coming to the realization that M is hard work and one has to really work at it like a beautiful rose one tends to on a regular basis.

Hope this helps.

Yep, that sounds about right. From my discussions with my DB coach and my observations I think when we started transitioning into the second stage of marriage (out of honeymoon phase) H hit the panic button (and didn't realize that this is a normal transition).

I know he has some FOO issues so that's why MLC seemed like it could make sense but based on the characteristics you shared it doesn't sound like him.

[Cadet]

Susana,

I am pretty sure that your H isn't going through MLC.

Hi Wonka,
Is that because of his age (he does seem too young) or because he doesn't fit the profile?

I dont think it matters, you do the same things. What you have been advised here.

[susana4]

Yes. Same path regardless!

I am wondering what role hope and faith play in DBing. I have thought about this before. At first I thought we needed to have no hope but I think I was confusing it with expectations. Clearly we need to let go of expectations, but hope and faith brings us here and keeps us going, I think.

I think part of what I've been struggling with the last few days is lack of hope/faith. This morning I tried to imagine my future life without H and I had a few alternative pictures, a bit fuzzy still but there. Then, I tried to imagine a future life with H and I couldn't. I can't imagine a future with him any more.

Still feeling a strong urge to run away while he's gone, and never see him again.

[susana4]

Ok, I need to get a grip on myself and get my head back in the game (is it wrong I sort of see my M as a game now to be played?).

H is back tomorrow and I think Tuesday we are going on a not-date date dinner out.

I need to get a grip on the anger and resentment and hopelessness because I'm sure that would seep into my interactions with H so it's one thing to feel it now while he's away but I need to be vigilant not to let it seep. Still haven't seemed to figure out a way to process the anger healthily.

I don't really feel sure right now about whether I'd want to R if given the opportunity, but I also know not to close the door just yet. I remember reading through Train's old threads early on in her sitch she talked about not being sure if she wanted her H back but DBing just in case.

So, I think I will carry on. Back in the game.