Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[Sotto]

I think it's only natural to question whether it's really worth it....probably something we all do from time to time. And I guess only time will tell if it is truly worth it.

Certainly from sitches on here, feelings can change significantly, so it's always worth just biding your time and telling yourself you'll stand for another 3 months and then review etc. You get to decide ultimately!

Enjoy your pizza!

[susana4]

Yes, definitely not making any decisions. It's only been rolling around in my mind consistently for the last few days (and on and off since BD), and I know my feelings change a lot day to day. I think it's just hard to sustain yourself (well, for me anyway, I am happy with the changes I'm making but it *is* a lot of work!). And I am finding it hard recently to keep loving H, when my love tank's getting emptier and emptier, and that in turn makes me more tired.
But like I said, feelings change a lot. I might feel completely different tomorrow, or next week. Learning not to react to my feelings has been huge for me!

[Old Dog]

Hi susana, I've been reading you latest thread and you seem like a strong person to me and you are making the best of a diffilcult situation whilst and your H seems lost, wandering around in the wilderness not know what to do.

I can certainly relate to wondering whether to keep it up any longer. I just found proof the my WAW is having a PA and it's knocked me right back down again.

If you're anywhere near me, I'll defo come round for pizza and chianti :-)

[susana4]

Thanks Old Dog. H is lost, I read somewhere on the forums "you don't want to see what's in WAS's mind - it's messy in there" - seems apt! (Although I do get curious what's in there.)

Oh man, that sounds really difficult. ((())) Come round for some chianti to cheer you up!

[Zelda09]

I wonder - if seriously exploring alternate lives, new opportunities - if that doesn't give us a stronger look at our sitch, in a good way. It could be the important thing that says to you that these are all choices and you are in control. Knowing there are choices, hope and you'll be ok is a huge fount of strength, no? The kind of anti-desperate strength that attracts anyone into your life.

[Sotto]

"Yes, definitely not making any decisions. It's only been rolling around in my mind consistently for the last few days (and on and off since BD), and I know my feelings change a lot day to day. I think it's just hard to sustain yourself (well, for me anyway, I am happy with the changes I'm making but it *is* a lot of work!). And I am finding it hard recently to keep loving H, when my love tank's getting emptier and emptier, and that in turn makes me more tired."

I think all of the above is about attachment (IMHO anyway.) Working towards greater detachment will help. Your GALing is often linked to what H may be thinking etc, which is pretty exhausting. If you can work towards a place where your GAL and improvements are genuinely for you, and it doesn't really matter what H thinks, it gets a whole lot better so they say on these boards.

[susana4]

"Yes, definitely not making any decisions. It's only been rolling around in my mind consistently for the last few days (and on and off since BD), and I know my feelings change a lot day to day. I think it's just hard to sustain yourself (well, for me anyway, I am happy with the changes I'm making but it *is* a lot of work!). And I am finding it hard recently to keep loving H, when my love tank's getting emptier and emptier, and that in turn makes me more tired."

I think all of the above is about attachment (IMHO anyway.) Working towards greater detachment will help. Your GALing is often linked to what H may be thinking etc, which is pretty exhausting. If you can work towards a place where your GAL and improvements are genuinely for you, and it doesn't really matter what H thinks, it gets a whole lot better so they say on these boards.

I've been reading some stuff on detachment recently. The threads seem to say that detachment happens naturally over time and you can't consciously decide to do it. (Argh!) Where I get confused is how you can lovingly detach. Recently I've felt more detached but I think I am confusing anger with detaching. I don't quite understand yet how you can love, and detach.

Yes, I think that is exhausting. My improvements are for me (I don't even really know what his complaints are) but my GAL is linked to H in a weird way. My GAL activities are things I would do anyway but the frequency is determined by him - either because we are trying to out-GAL each other or because I know he's going to be home and I want to avoid him or because I don't want to seem boring and show I have an exciting life. I think it's probably a mix of good and bad, because on the one hand it forces me to get out and GAL and not mope about, but on the other it *does* get exhausting because sometimes I want time at home alone to recharge my batteries.

[susana4]

I woke up in a dark place. I haven't cried so much since BD. Sorry for the rambling/rant that will follow but I'm going to try to make sense of all the thoughts in my brain.

It's been 3 months since BD, and I'm still not sure I fully understand the reasons that led to it. I don't think I ever will, and most days I stop myself thinking about it because I know it won't get me anywhere dwelling on the past. But these last few days I can't stop myself.

In the dark days following BD, I was completely broken. I spewed a lot, and H took it. He never spewed. He accepted all my spew and apologised over and over and took all the blame. In one of my darkest hours, I told him I wished I'd never met him, that our relationship had only served to enforce all our biggest fears, that we hadn't moved past those or grown because we were smack dab in front of those fears and now he wanted to run. That I'd been happy being single before I met him. I'd led a happy life and then he came along and I had my doubts but he convinced me to be with him. He dragged me down this path and then dropped me. (Sometimes I think he thought I didn't want to be with him, and would be relieved after BD, and was surprised I wasn't.) He took it all, he took all the blame, he apologised and he cried and held me. He cried more than me in those first days. Every time I tried to start a calm discussion, he'd burst out crying. Then I'd cry and we'd cry on each other.

I spent weeks trying to work out when things had gone wrong. In my dark times, I questioned H repeatedly. He'd say he felt unhappy for a few months. Then he'd say he was happy most of the time, and only thought he didn't want to be together when we were having an argument. I didn't know not to believe anything he said, and confused myself more and more.

But even now, I don't feel I can pinpoint things going wrong. I see others on other threads going "oh, so that's what WAS meant when he/she said XYZ. He was saying he was unhappy but I just didn't listen". But with my H, he just never said. Ever. I know there are things both of us did wrong, and there are things I want to work on, but still, there was never a time pre-BD where I suspected or could tell he was unhappy, or in retrospect can see he was. He just never said a thing. So I have no idea whether:
-He was unhappy throughout our entire M and was lying about his happiness the whole time
-He was only unhappy at the end of our M (and was lying)
-He was actually in denial to himself and didn't realise he was unhappy until BD (this is what he claims)

So now I find myself questioning reconciling. Do I really want a new M with this man? This man who either lies about his happiness for months or years, or who is so out of touch with his own feelings he doesn't realise he's unhappy? Because I was really happy, but was this M and was this H even real? Was my happiness all founded on illusions? Who is he?!

I feel so much hatred right now it's overwhelming and terrifying. I still can't stop crying and that makes me even more angry. I just want to run far, far away. Or for him never to come back from his ski trip.

The fact that he's being so nice to me, and seems to be drawing closer, I think is confusing me, and making me question things. I think (probably like others) I went into DB thinking I wanted to save my M, and get my old M back, when clearly it's dead. Now, I've known that intellectually all along, but I think it didn't really hit me until recently. Yes, it's dead, and if I R, it will be a *new M* with H. And so the question is - do I want a new M with this man, what would that look like and who is this man? And that's what terrifies me. Because I actually thought our old M was pretty d@mn good, but apparently he didn't but never told me that. So is there a point in a new M with him at all? I wonder if I know H at all.

Perhaps I should look at it as - now I need to get to know H, since apparently I didn't know him before (and he says he didn't feel like/act like himself in our M), so I should approach it with an attitude of curiosity and get to know him and decide if I want a new M with this new H. But with so much anger and hatred, that is hard to do. It would be much easier to run away...

[susana4]

I wonder - if seriously exploring alternate lives, new opportunities - if that doesn't give us a stronger look at our sitch, in a good way. It could be the important thing that says to you that these are all choices and you are in control. Knowing there are choices, hope and you'll be ok is a huge fount of strength, no? The kind of anti-desperate strength that attracts anyone into your life.

I think it definitely makes sense that it would. I have tried in the past to think through alternate lives but up until now I have looked at it and thought "eh it would be OK but not as good as my old life" - and then got upset. It wasn't until yesterday that I saw a possibility of a better, happier new life. (But then it's made me think - if I could have a better, happier life why not just do that and walk away from H?)

[Sotto]

Hi Susana, sorry you're having a tough day. I've also had the whole - did I ever really know you - thing. What I've read (and I don't wish to generalise) is that men in particular tend to find it hard to process and then verbalise their feelings. Add into that people-pleasing tendencies, and you have a toxic mix. Someone who has unmet needs, but may not quite understand these and finds it hard to put them into words. And because of being a people-pleaser appears okay.

The problem with unmet needs that aren't expressed is the unhappiness tends to grow. I knew my H was feeling somewhat unhappy before he 'checked out' of the M - but I had no idea it was linked to our R. He said it was mainly to do with work. Even after I discovered his EA, he said our R was 'perfect.' A lot of this is typical, and we may want to go back to that comment of 'mess inside WAS heads' here. It may not be a good use of your mind to try and figure all this out!

In terms of the detachment. I think it is a happy combination of feeling compassionate towards your WAS and being more of an 'observer' than participant in their drama. I feel I'm getting there more now. And not seeing H makes it easier to feel detached I'm sure. I think it also means being less 'attached' to the outcome of reconciliation and truly accepting you will be okay either together or apart. V describes it as being more 'attached' to your own life, so that your life with H becomes rather less central. I think time is a factor, and I think GAL helps, along with the work we do on ourselves as the sitch rumbles along.

Hope your day is improving....the sun is shining here!