Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

Had a lovely walk with a friend this AM where we were chatting about my future plans. I have been waffling with the family 3yr plan as I would really like H to be involved in the kids on a regular basis. However, without him having a solid job/location, I am unable to establish a life close to him.
So, I have been waiting for him to sort his life and then move the family. I had a moment of clarity - H has never been comfortable with establishing family roots. I have always planted the family flag and he has come/gone from it. I now need to make the best decisions for the children regarding home/schooling and then let him fit in around them.
As much as I want to move back to the USA, I am beginning to think it wouldn't be fair on the children as their foundation/culture is English. It can be tough to move when you are in HS. It can be tough to have dad/mom get divorced. I am not certain to give my children both burdens would be fair on them. I suspect H will continue to flit in/out of their life/my life.

[NotAgainPlease]

Wow Dejavu,

There are some similarity to your husband. Yours is not there physically mine was there physically but not always emotionally. I definitely do see signs of narcissism in line. He can be cold and distant on purpose to make me mad. Its not a good feeling no reason to deal with and then being codependent myself makes for a bad combo.
My H is very involved with my kids which is nice. I cannot imagine and you having to deal with everything on your own including a move.
Hang in there I finally had to decide to move on and better my life for myself and my children. I jumped back in my career and now I'm making a better life with more money then I made previously. Just being independent and having my own money, help with my self esteem. We are beat down for so long its hard to see the light at the end.
I can't imagine you having to deal with your H coming home every so often.

[dejavu2]

Hi NAP!!! Thanks for stopping by!

Unfortunately, I have to leave the light on for H to come home. By law I cannot refuse him access to the house if he wants to be here. I also knew of his desire to move, so I realised that everything would change soon enough.

Friends are very important thru this process. Since BD, separately 3 different long-standing male friends have offered to talk with H, as they think he is making poor life choices of not valuing his marriage and not providing framework/security for his family. None of them think there was an OW involved. I am touched that 3 different men would feel emotionally strong enough to offer to get involved in my situation. They are willing to "fight" for my marriage, when H isn't willing to. They are saying things which I have longed to hear from H for many years.

Yesterday I was driving to collect girls from camp and got lost in my own thoughts which resulted in missing my turnoff off a round-about in bumper-to-bummper traffic. So, I changed routes to avoid the b-2-b traffic. As I got off at the next exit, uncertain of which way to turn, my H called (first call since Sunday). We had a brief conversation which included an apology for not calling all week, a discussion about what was happening with his work and I gave him an update on the house viewings. Needless to say, I was distracted (completely lost) so the conversation wasn't long. However, it was interesting as I could tell something in me has changed. I finally felt detached.

[NotAgainPlease]

They always seem to real us back in!
Mine will do the same. He'll call or text all happy and day he's still alive or hi how are guy you after no contact from me! WTH...so over that! I know we're supposed to be nice and act all happy and great but at times I'd rather just hate him be pissed off at him and not want to talk to him.
I'm glad you're getting to the point of feeling detached. That honestly does help a lot although you will go back and forth with your feelings. It's to be expected keep up the good work.

[HaWho]

Hi Deja-

I really admire you for your strength. Going through this with children in tow is extremely challenging.

Keep up the good work.

[dejavu2]

NAP and HaWho - Thanks so much for stopping by.
I have appreciated this group so much as I have been given some great advice as well as found some great reading recommendations. It is teaching me how to regain control and focus of my life. Thanks to all who contribute their stories and to all the emotionally insightful responses.

I am enjoying the my new emotional freedoms without H in the house. It is very emotionally uplifting to not have the chaos and negativity constantly in my day. I no longer have a daily sense of uncertainty. My sense of anxiety regarding the situation has decreased. Even my resting heat rate has gone down by 10bpm.

I am being shown true examples of love and acceptance by many. I had forgotten what those felt like. I am learning to breath and live again.

This may be a lull before the divorce process chaos erupts, but I am enjoying this new peace in my life.

I realise conversations with H have turned into "status update" meetings. He asks for updates, acknowledges them and that's it - just the facts. Even my daughters say that he doesn't talk to them, he just asks about their day.

I have agreed to bring the girls back to the USA for a family holiday at the end of August where I will meet up with son and H will join us. This has been arranged by the family my son is staying with. I think it will be good for the children to spend time with their dad. I am not looking forward to playing "family", however perhaps this will give us a chance to communicate again. As getting thru the D will be much easier/cheaper if we can communicate. Basically I will go for the week, play nicely and try to stay away from tricky conversations. I am not expecting to reconcile as he is so emotionally void right now. I will be returning home with the children and H is planning on staying in the US. I hope I have found enough inner strength and self-worth that I no longer want to leap at the crumbs of his affections/attention.

I am continuing to train for the half-marathon in September and the scale is sloooowly going down. Going to make a big push on cleaning up my eating for next 3 weeks (before we go to USA). It feels empowering to be healthier, stronger and smaller!

[dejavu2]

Today I am pondering the theme "Benefit to Cost".

Does the benefit/reward exceed the cost? What is the benefit from trying to stay in a close relationship with my MLC? There is also a cost to being so close to someone who is going thru major emotional growth and turmoil.

I really like to have a drink of an evening; however with training for the half marathon my alcohol consumption must change. I have wanted to cut back for years, but never found any reason important enough. However, the thought of running after drinking the night before doesn't seem to work any longer. Today, it felt great to wake up alert and run 8 miles.

I have been friends with a guy 14yrs younger than me for many, many years. Recently, this guy has been making very provacative suggestions. Again, the long term cost to my self-esteem far outweighs any short term physical fulfillment. (However, it is flattering and gives me hope that I will find someone in my age bracket when the time is right).

I question what my Cost-Benefit is with the CURRENT relationship I have with my H. Are there any benefits? He is no longer good fun/company, he no longer seems dynamic, he shows no creativity, he has no personal direction and he shows no interest in me/my life. He is no longer even physically here. Beyond our history and the children, are there any current benefits?

[123Gwen]

At the end of the day it comes down to willingness on both sides. I'd like to think marriage is a sacrament. It still is to me but as long as one party does not participate then is it really a marriage?

Reflection is good but actions are more reliable. I am more cynical these days but I still believe in my vows to my husband. That being said - you can't fix this so acceptance is not always a bad thing.

[dejavu2]

H has now been gone 6 weeks. I do not miss his negative energy around the house. Each day I feel emotionally stronger and more connected to the world around me. However, I still find one short email from him can be enough to send me backwards 3 steps - flooding me with self-doubt.

My stepmom passed yesterday. She came in to my life when I was 3yo, after my mom died. SMom was emotionally absent, physically abused me and resented me. I have come to realise, it is my relationship with her that I have chosen for my marriage. So my vacation trip back to the USA is going to start with a journey to say good-bye to her in the midwest. I will then go back to the Northeast to spend time with my kids and H (and our family friends). I find it odd that life has given me detachment from both these people at the same time. Both relationships have given me years of chaos in my life. Maybe this is a trip about learning to say goodbye to both relationships.

H still hasn't found a way which he feels comfortable communicating with me. We have had to communicate a bit more regarding all the plans around vacation/funeral. I have found his lack of empathy to be eye opening! In the only conversation we have had regarding my mom on life support, I mention how hard this week has been..... His response was - it had been a tough week for him on this project he has been working on. His lack of being able to identify with me emotionally or acknowledge grief was shockingly obvious. It was one of the first conversations I have had where I didn't take a step backwards ... It was just obvious the disconnection.

Girls were gone to a residential camp again this week, so rather than feel lonely in an empty house, I took an intensive business course. It was the best decision I could have made to fill that time. There was one certification test on Wednesday and a 3 hr written final on Friday. It was intense with hours of reviewing/homework every night. However, what a positive experience. It helped boost my confidence, challenged me intellectually, met some interesting contacts, filled my evenings and gave me reason to cut out all the alcohol. My skin looks fantastic and my head has been challenged.

[job]

I am very sorry to hear that your stepmom passed away. Your trip back to the States may help you to close some doors on your past that have been nipping at your heels for a while. You have to remember that MLCers' empathy chips are broken and they are only thinking of themselves during the crisis. I wasn't surprised by his comments about a rough week. I'm sorry he's not there to support you during this time.

Travel safely and I hope that you can find some quality time to enjoy some of your vacation times in the States.