Met 20 yrs ago, married 19yrs - 3 kids (2 teenagers & 10yo). We have been living abroad for past 10 yrs. H is a workaholic who takes high stress/high reward jobs of turning companies around, which means he is out of a job every 2-3yrs. Another job always comes along, but the process has taken its toll on his self-esteem. His choice of careers however at 47yrs he is worried the next big job may not come.
I believe he is in the midst of a midlife crisis and has been since 2011 - when he was abruptly replaced at a job. For past 3 years he has been working away from home, only home 1–2 weekends a month. He also put big walls up, became grumpy and quit communicating. He quit having fun - no vacations, no time with friends, no social life ... He quit living. We started going to MC in Oct, but by Nov he was replaced from his latest job. So now we have a broken marriage and he is looking for work. He has decided that he is tired of living abroad and wants to move to the US. I told him that I would only go back if I were his wife and we were working on our relationship. At end of Jan, he decided he wanted a divorce as he doesn't see how we can solve our marriage problems (although nothing significant has happened in our marriage - no OW that I have found).
He is proposing blowing up everything in our lives and then leaving us. I don't want to go thru a divorce somewhere I don't have any support network. He wants us to liquidate as much as we can (sell the house) and then abandon the kids and me. He says he needs to move to the US soon (before May) to get a job, however is having a hard time coming up with a plan or location he would move to. He won't even talk thru scenarios with me.
I have asked that he stay in this country to get thru divorce so kids can get use to having 2 homes. He isn't interested and wants to move back ASAP. He wants to be in the kids lives; but I don't see how that is possible from 3,000 miles away.
Although he says he wants a divorce, he hasn't done anything to get the process going. He doesn't want to move out. Still sleeping in the same bed and wants sex. He doesn't want to tell the kids. He wants to use a mediator (cheaper than lawyers), but hasn't contacted one yet. I am not sure how well mediation works when he has moved to another country.
Things had been better the past couple of weeks. Yesterday, he agreed they are better, but he doesn't know how to fix us and doesn't see a future for us and still wants a divorce. I asked if he wants to fix us - his only answer is he doesn't know how and wants a divorce.
I have been working on GAL! I have been running and spending time with friends. Went to a black tie a few weeks ago. The kids are very busy with their sports as eldest 2 are trying out for national development squads. And it is competition season again for their horses. I'm taking my eldest on a vacation in a couple of weeks. If he is gone, I would like to get a job! But can't do anything until I know his plans.
I feel like I am waiting for my world to blow up and I have no control. I can handle facts, but this ambiguity is tearing me up.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I'm no expert here but just catching up re: some of the posts. From what I have read b 4, you may need to post in Newcomers I think you would get a better more informative response there! Please try there - you may come across Cadet's post to newbies with sugggested links as well. Keep posting, someone will get 2 you. Take care & keep strong, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm very sorry that you are here, but I can assure you that you will get some good advice and support here. From your posting, it does sound like he's in crisis. Did something happen within the last 18-24 months that rocked his world besides being replaced at his job?
The confusion, not thinking clearly, is a sign he is in crisis. So he wants to sell and move to the US. Well, it's evident that he's not begun the process if he's still sleeping in the home. Sometimes they tend to spew and all you need to do is listen. Yes, he wants a divorce, but he's not done anything yet...don't help him w/this. However, you need to get your ducks in a row since he's acting irrationally right now. Set up your own accounts, make copies of important documents, if you have joint accounts, you may need to take some money out of those accounts to place in your new ones. Check your credit card balances and you will need to remove your name from them, especially if charges begin to show up that you aren't aware of. Don't put this stuff off because, if he's in mlc, he's going to start spending at some point, be it on toys or setting up his new place or even an ow may eventually show up in his life...but you need to plan and protect your assets for you and your children.
Now, what can you do about helping him? Leave him alone, listen to what he has to say and do not argue w/him no matter how much he baits you. If he's angry and spewing, just say "h, when you have calmed down, I will be happy to discuss the matter w/you". If he's upset, say "h, I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. You and your children do not have to put up w/the temper tantrums of a man child.
It's okay to begin looking around for a job. It doesn't mean you will get one right a way, but start getting your ducks in a row. Get on your computer and start looking at divorce in the country where you are living. Knowledge is power. Right now, you are the sane one and you have to be on your toes because he's getting ready to hit the mlc full blown.
No more discussions about how things are at home for now. He needs time and space. No more discussions about the relationship. Okay? Go on w/your life as if he's a roommate. The less stress you put on him w/questions about what he's going to do, the better. Why? Because he honestly doesn't know what he wants or is going to do. The more you push for answers, the harder he's going to run the other way.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Live your life to the fullest and definitely start setting up your own accounts. MLC is not for the faint of heart. It's not a sprint, but a marathon and no matter what happens, you are going to be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In 2011 we bought a house and put a large part of our savings into renovating it. Then 2012 shortly after renovating he was abruptly replaced. However was in a new job within 4 mos Then last year he reported to a guy who was a complete jerk. He felt like he was going to battle every day at work. He is so work focused.
H is a big idea person - He hates it when I pressure him for a plan or process. In our relationship, I have always done the personal project management role while he had the role of the boss/strategist. It worked because he respected me and my position. Since he has quit respecting me, these roles don't work as I am expecting him to be part of the process (which he hates).
I am willing to be patient as long as he is living in the same country; however he is still talking about leaving early-April and moving back to the US. (no dates/location/plans - yet). If he does go back to the US still in MLC, I will file for divorce; as I need to ensure financial security and I don't want him to choose the divorce jurisdiction. I have contacted a lawyer and got advice. This is far from ideal.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I am trying to show my kids that money can't buy you happiness. True happiness comes from within.
Thankfully being the "project manager", I have maintained control of all finances. We are waiting for 2 big payments then I am going to change our bank accounts to joint signature required for items greater than x. However, he will have to sign paperwork and I don't want to spook him and have those payments not arrive. Also, thankfully all our money is from traceable sources, so it would be harder for it to disappear - as lawyer said that his a major fraud offense.
A close friend of mine is a divorce attorney who gave the opinion that if a man has another bed waiting that he doesn't stick around. I don't think this is being driven by OW; however wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get OW before it is over.
JOB - your post on detaching is great! I think I need to read it every day.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I am signed up for a course which will give me a certification which should help me land a job! I haven't worked in 15 years and my resume is a dusty. The certification is just a box tick; but it does show something current for my resume! Although, I have been warned against getting a job too quickly as the kids are going to need time to adjust to everything - dad leaving and me going back to work full time might be a bit too much at once (and it might go against me in a divorce settlement).
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
There are several things that everyone finds difficult when they come here and they are: detachment, patience and "expectation". Please try to stop expecting him to do things. He's not the same person that he once was and quite frankly when you are expecting things from him, he may very well turn the project into a passive-aggressive mess. I know this is difficult, but you need to accept him for the man he is right now, not what he once was. He's a man child and he's going to do whatever it takes to make himself feel better, i.e., addictions come to mind such as workaholic, focusing on sports, gardening, fishing, partying, drinking drugs, ow/om gambling and spending. It's true happiness comes from within, but your man child needs to discover this for himself.
You may try to get him to remain in the country where you are at, but push come to shove, if he feels too much pressure from outside sources, he may just up and pack a bag and flee when you least expect it. The best to do as a "project manager" is to leave him completely alone. Yes, you want him to participate in family things and do things around the home, but don't be surprised when he does them half @ss or not at all. MLCers do not like to be told what to do or when to do it.
I'm glad to see you've signed up for a course. It's a step forward for you and hopefully you'll find work at a later time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am no longer willing to be his emotional porter sorting out his relationship with his children and I am no longer willing to be his life secretary ensuring his life paperwork (e.g. taxes, immigration, drivers license, insurance paperwork) gets done. So yes, I have expectations of him that these are HIS life responsibilities and I am no longer going to cover for him and do them for him. He has chosen to "fire me", but then expects me to show up to "work" daily.
e.g. Today son has a match (which he has every Wed afternoon) and it is in the family calendar which is on every mobile device. I refuse to remind H of the match. It is his choice to attend or not. I am going to attend.
Maybe I have it wrong, but I'm not sure I am strong enough to do it all for him with a smile on my face and no conflict (which it seems like what he wants)...
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Can extremely different personality types actually compliment each other or does it just lead to a hole where your needs aren't being met?
H is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I enjoy going out, exploring and having adventures. H idea of a good time is to sit home and read or watch tv (although before MLC he use to enjoy going out occasionally; however would never plan it). I enjoy a house full of friends who drop by unexpectedly and laughter..... H enjoys quiet of his home to recharge.
He has always struggled to put passion in our relationship and make me feel special. He is emotionally very reserve however drawn to people who are outgoing. He becomes an observer in most of those relationships. He uses extroverts openness to gain emotional access to a friendship. This works for a while; but then he doesn't know how to participate in the relationship and the friendships become shallow or go away.
This is a chance for us both to re-evaluate our lives and what we want going forward.
Anyone else with experiences of Introverts and Extrovert relationships?
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
