I was kind of thinking that. I feel really good today!! Got a haircut yesterday. I feel upbeat. Confident! It was funny, I mentioned on another post how I was waiting for the guy from Catfish to show up at our door with some guy who was looking for this woman he has been talking to!! LOL!
My 180's are helping me so much to detach and I am also seeing what things I needed to change. It was kinda weird when I went to town the other day and she found out and acted kinda mad. Until she found out that I was going to get my stepson's bed.
So a theory I had was she is dealing with a lot of guilt and also mid-life crisis things. I think she is addicted to this job because she gets attention on the phone from these men and it makes her feel good. But it is the wrong kind of attention!! Plus she makes all this money and buys stuff for herself and the kids and it makes her feel better about what is going on.
She has been very quiet to me this week and tried to avoid me alot.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Sorry, i've been checking the OLD post daily, and FINALLY realized today it might be locked, and Voila, here you and Sandi are!
I feel for you, but Sandi is 100% right. Without fully knowing it, you're practicing the 180, and standing up for yourself and your values. This is likely new to your WW, so on top of the swinging emotions, she's also dealing with you no longer being someone she can manipulate as she could before.
Stay your course, she needs to hit a rock bottom point where she's real with herself. You can't do this, and each time you try, and when you share your feelings, thats when she gets all tweaked about the "ups and downs" right?
Take a step back sometime, and re-read your posts, it helps to gain some perspective, as well as give you some re-inforced good advice you can brush up on, or just feel validated you're doing.
Thankful to be back on the threads again...
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
Thanks swabby!! Sandi has been GREAT!! What a blessing she and the other vets are to this forum! I have spent the past 6 months second guessing myself. Am I handling this right? Maybe it is me being controlling? Am I doing more of the same? To be honest, detaching like I have been is a little like I used to be. The difference now is I am doing it nicely. I am listening when she speaks. I am acknowledging her. I am not being a jerk(have said some mean things in the past when we fought to get my own way). I am allowing her to make her own mistakes. I am worrying about myself and my kids. I am giving her space. I am moving on with my life. I am doing things that I want to do. But I am also standing up for my values and what I believe. I am not scared of my wife anymore. I used to be afraid she would leave when we fought so I would validate my feelings and drag out our arguments to prove my point. I am now holding on to my N.U.T.S(nonnegotiable, unalterable, terms)!! LOL!!
Last edited by Joe406; 03/06/1504:37 PM.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Friday nights are weird now. The wife's attitude completely changes. But tonight it was really weird. For the past few months on Friday nights she was kinda talkative. Than when it got time to go to work, she would avoid me and not say anything. Even during the week, she would be kinda normal and than on Friday night the weirdness started before work. Tonight, she told me about my daughters appointment today and than we ate. She didn't say much during dinner. I didn't either. I have not been initiating conversations lately. But tonight she seemed extra quiet. She finished her dinner and went right to her room to nap before her shift. Just seemed different tonight.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I think the weekends are tough sometimes for me because I used to really enjoy being home spending time with my wife. I used to look forward to coming home on Friday night and eating a nice dinner and watching movies with my wife. Sleeping in on Saturday with her. Being around the house, working in the yard. Just having a nice weekend with her and the kids. Now I look forward to Friday up till the time that I remember she has to go to that ugly job. Than I fight the resentments. The thoughts of the lies she is telling me all the time. I fight the thoughts of how can a person look you in the eye and lie over and over. How can they just stop being in love with you because you made a few mistakes during your marriage. She made mistakes also. I did not stop loving her. I did not start sleeping in separate bedrooms. I did not lie to her. I did not cut her off from intimacy. Sometimes weekends are harder for me.
I keep praying for answers and have not seen any yet. I fight the thoughts of second guessing myself and how I am handling this. I am following the things on this forum. Sometimes I wonder if I am pushing her farther away. But than I remember how she is treating me now. How my feelings don't matter. Sometimes this stuff is so confusing!! It is a good thing I don't drink anymore!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Joe, I feel the confusion. Oddly enough, when I moved from the east coast to the west when I was 16 (3 life times ago now) within a few months, I found out that my mother was working as a phone sex Operator. How'd I find out? I heard her, not something ANY kid should ever hear. I was so embarrassed when friends asked what my mother did in those years. I definitely understand, and can relate to your feelings of embarrassment and the fear of it"getting out" and the possible repercussions.
You're doing the right thing, just a stand for yourself and your kids in the matter, that's the best you can do, and you'll feel good for doing it!
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
That is one of my biggest fears. I don't like what she does at all. It hurts me inside. But if my daughter found out, it would devastate her. Not to mention if she ever told one of her friends. I just can't figure out why she keeps doing it when it has caused all these problems between us and what could happen to her kids if this ever got out. Her excuse was she is in survival mode. She is making money and likes buying things and likes buying things for the kids. She said we have had money problems for so long that she is just tired of it and this gives her a way to make money from home.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Last Saturday night was when I put my foot down and told my wife I do not want to be in a marriage with a wife that is a phone sex operator anymore. Of course we had all the texts back and forth all night. During that time, I never mentioned anything about how I knew she was lying about the cell phone log in and about how I found those other email accounts. I have been debating about sending her a email and letting her know what I found and that I have had it with the lies and the secrets. I feel an email will be better because I know she will just lie to my face. Plus with the email, I can chose my words carefully. Than I am wondering if it is even worth it to tell her what I found.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Probably should not have posted my problem on phunguy's thread.
Had something strange happen earlier. Wife has been fine all day. We haven't talked much, because I have been busy around the house all day. She has spent alot of time in her room today. I have been cheerful while running around the house. When she started making dinner, she looked really angry. I was getting dirty looks. When she sat down to eat it was like she was trying to sit as far away from me as possible. I just kept visiting with stepson. I did compliment her on dinner. Than after dinner, she started doing things in her office. Trying to seal up any place that noise might come through. She was walking around looking really mad or stressed. When I asked what she was doing, she said I woke her up today when was talking this morning and than when I was wrestling with my youngest this afternoon. I did not know she was even sleeping this afternoon. So I took the kids downstairs so we don't make to much noise. She than accuses me of keeping them from saying good night to her. Than later she sends me a text that older daughter is not coming to see us tomorrow night and very negatively says "imagine that". Daughter has to work. I am not to sure what to think. I have just been doing my own thing all day.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hey Joe, I have started a new thread in Newcomers. I thought it might possibly help some of you guys see the WW from another VP. I hope I don't appear arrogant by saying this, but I thought maybe i could reach more and not be saying the same thing to every person. IDK, we will see. I wrote one post yesterday and another one this morning. Please take a look.
