Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

I don't think he would instigate anything when I return today. He's 90% passive, 10% defensive a$$.

The fists - up there in front of him, in line with my ears. He was just shaking, eyes bulging. I couldn't tell if he was meaning for it to be a threatening posture or this was just him in flight/fight stance. At the time he was begging/screaming at me to help him, telling me to go away. It really just made no sense, he was out of his mind. I remember just being very still and looking at his hands and telling him to step away.

I want him to fall all over himself apologizing, tell me it was the beer and the meds, the migraine yesterday, that he understands how serious this is to me. I don't know.

I feel nothing right now. No sadness, anger, despair...just nothing.

[Heart14]

I'm so sorry Z. That sounds very scary. I agree that you need to do what is best for yourself. If it's not a healthy situation for you, no one would fault you for leaving. Physical violence is never okay.

Maybe the lack of emotion is due to shock? It sounds like a lot to process.

[Zelda09]

Is there anyone here who would say this could be a one-time thing and maybe it's not worth walking out of our M over?

We'd been dating about six months when he pushed me off at a dock at a friend's party, 'playful' but definitely aggressive over a jealousy thing. He apologized then that he should have never gone that far, and I'd broke up with him then. There were a couple of years where he'd punch walls, slam things, throw things before he agreed that was also violent and not excusable behavior. And then it just wasn't a problem again. Until now.

[susana4]

The thing is Zelda, it doesn't sound like a one-time thing. It sounds like it happened before (with the pushing off the dock) and then again (punching, slamming, throwing stuff). I'm not an expert in physical violence so I don't really know but it sounds very scary to me, and I do think you need to protect yourself here. And maybe speak to someone with expertise in this area.

There was a site Vanilla posted about, I'll try and find it. In the meantime, maybe you should stay away for a bit and get over the shock and see how you feel.

[Zelda09]

I guess not. I just had hope that he'd changed. He definitely has gotten a lot better at managing his anger and I didn't think I'd ever have to see this from him again.

[susana4]

Has he ever done an anger management course/do you know if he's worked on it in IC?

[Zelda09]

I believe he has worked on it in IC...no to the course.

I don't know if I believe people can change anymore. I don't know if I can change. I don't feel like the old (good) parts of me either anymore.

[susana4]

Oh Z, don't give up hope, people can definitely change, just have a look around these boards to see some of the tremendous changes people are making every day. But bear in mind people have to want to change, and they have to make the small steps to get there.

That's not to say anything about your H, I don't know him and I don't know if he can change. And the violence thing is a huge red flag to me, and I think first and foremost you need to protect yourself.

But you can change, Z, I know it. The good parts are still there. You have been a huge help to me and I'm sure to others on these boards. I think you sound exhausted lately, and maybe you are drained. You mentioned feeling nothing. Maybe you are just too tired and in shock to feel the good parts. But they are there.

((((Z))))

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Susana. It means a lot. You are right about the exhaustion part.

[Vanilla]

Z

As you are aware by now I have been subject to this type of abuse. In my own case it has taken two years to escalate to a dangerous point of my own safety.

Please take this very seriously indeed and stay safe. My understanding of abuse has increased significantly over the last few months until I am finally able to see what is obvious! I wished that I had taken this very seriously from day 1 and intervened on my own behalf.

This is how I understand this issue. I am having a lot of help from VSO, IC, twelve steps groups, family and friends, DBers here, Freedom program and now the Surrey Sanctury. This help is for me because as I set my boundaries and grow so the abuse is worsening as H looses control over V.

The incident you described sounds like abuse to me and is similar to many incidents in my own life. I am miles away and am viewing this through your posts of course and naturally I would advise caution.

Firstly I have learned abuse is not about anger it is about control. When control is enforced through aggression then that is bullying. Controllers are able to navigate and negotiate the world without anger, they reserve aggression for those they have closest with attempts at bullying. Controlled Abuse can be released with minimum alcohol and then bullies can excuse their abuse as being alcohol related. Alcohol does not excuse abuse or bullying. Abuse is the intent but bullying is the action of the controller and is often deliberate. The abuser is choosing to release because it makes them feel better. It raises their importance to themselves. It clams them for a while.

Frankly I have no care that abusers have had bad childhoods that is why they abuse. They are responsible for themselves.

The next issue I addressed was is the abuser suffering from a personality disorder (in which case it is almost impossible to resolve and requires a clinical diagnosis and treatment) or is this an escalation pattern which can be interrupted.

So firstly with some help I indentified what was going on in my sitch as abuse, even if everyone around you is warning you this is still hard to accept. So, yes, I now call this as it is. Hard enough to do, and really I only accepted this when it was so bad that I could do nothing else. There was nowhere to hide or deny it. H has never hit, stuck, pushed or physically attacked me but his aggression is very threatening. He will storm into my room when I am in bed and tower over me, point fingers when I am sitting down and almost spit venom at me. But he has been careful when throwing his tantrums to stay this side of physical contact. That is how I know this is aggression enforced not anger, I am very clear if H ever did physical harm then I will involve law enforcement, there and then.

This behaviour of my H is bullying which comes from control or an attempt to control by H using aggression. The aggression is enhanced as I reset my boundaries. paradoxical?

So if I were Z then the things I may ask are
1. Am I being bullied, controlled etc
2. If some is this part of a cycle of abuse
3. How do I create an intervention and get support for Z
4. What part do I play in this

Z, being ADD, the first thing I did was research it. Hyper focus and emerged myself to understand what need to be done.

I found the following helpful
identifying abuse

I have also signed up for the online Freedom Program and am going to attend the Surrey Samctuary for specialist counselling. As you are aware from my postings, I have H rants recorded on my phone and some of his texts. I have also
Earned that abusers have a brief remorse phase after the abuse which is the most important moment for an intervention. using my recordings and a diary created from my journal I have sufficient evidence to trigger external agency involvement this time. Tough to do if there are no brushes.

The next and most difficult thing for me to swallow was my own role in this. And the next link realisation is straight talk about bullying and my role in it. I thought about whether I should post this to you, and as a wise DBer then you will use this I trust. my warning is more for anyone casually reading, care is needed as some violence and abuse is 'purpose' orientated for money or drug related. So not all bullying has a you played a role in it aspects.

Al Turtle unhelpful calls this the master slave principle which put me off reading it.
There are some very useful thoughts there in the paper though so I considered it informative. I prefer the earlier body of work especially the Freedom program. I like the fact Al splits Control and Bullying as two mechanisms but it my sitch it does not much matter as I experience both.

Paper written for the abused (V health warning)

I apologise for this being such a long post and I am explains that which I understand.

Z if you want to discuss further then I will check in or you can post to my thread.

V