Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

I mentioned earlier today, on the previous page, how W sent me a picture message of my son's tooth having fallen out this morning. I'm just highlighting this for myself now so I can think about this. this is the first time she has sent me a picture message in a long, long time...maybe even ever. So if I was looking for positives on an otherwise rollercoaster day then maybe this was one. I will add this to my journal now. I wonder whether I should have replied to that message earlier. I have sent one text today, and that was school related, but have made no reference to the tooth at all to my wife. Still finding the middle ground but I need to bit a little more upbeat and positive, act as if more than I have been the last day or two, whilst maintaining distance, keeping low contact. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME!

[twinmom]

My advice...... call you son and talk to him. Your wife didn't lose a tooth, your son did. Call, ask to speak to him and congratulate him. Ask if he is excited for the tooth fairy to come tonight. Then tomorrow morning call and tell him the tooth fairy came to your house too and left him a small gift.
You don't need to talk to your wife at all.

[alpha99]

great advice twinmom, I just wouldn't have thought of that on my own. I have been finding it hard coming to terms with how I can reconcile not speaking to my wife much without withdrawing from my children. In the few minutes I spent with the kids today I did mention his tooth to him, and he said the tooth fairy will come tonight. I will take him a little gift tomorrow from 'the tooth fairy'. Thank you, that's a great idea.

[alpha99]

I picked the kids up this morning. W had just got back from work. MIL gets the kids ready. Daughter had sleep in her eye. I mentioned this at the door. W snarls saying she had just got in. I said I know, I'm just saying there's sleep there, that's all. W asks if I am picking kids up. I say yes.
W and I put kids in car, and I leave. No goodbyes etc. She is always pretty narky after working night shifts due to tiredness. I tried to be upbeat and polite. It's hard to see an impact in a few moments together though. I will spend a little time there with the kids tonight, maybe 30 mins at the most, but not initiate conversation with W whilst being happy, polite, upbeat if she talks with me.

I feel slightly caught in a cycle at the moment, like Groundhog day. I'm waiting to see what will happen next.

[Starsky309]

I will spend a little time there with the kids tonight, maybe 30 mins at the most, but not initiate conversation with W whilst being happy, polite, upbeat if she talks with me.

Would you never initiate a conversation with a neighbor -- only give them upbeat and polite replies if they initiated with you?

The only thing DBing says not to initiate is R talks.

"How was work?" or "Did you hear about (some topical event in the news)?"

Be engaging, listen 3x more than you talk, but yeah -- it's okay to initiate, especially since we're working on that Toots' idea about taking the charm up a notch.

Starsky

[alpha99]

No contact from W since this morning, although she has probably been asleep a lot of the day after working last night. So anyway, thinking of myself for a moment, I have been busy today. I went to the local town centre to meet my sisters, we had a meal out, then I went and did some shopping. This got me thinking about some of the 180s that I have been trying to do this last week or two. I thought it might be a good idea to write them down here so I can review them from time to time. I have written some down in my journal but my things are between houses (mine and my parents') so it may be easier to view things here. Anyway, here goes:

* New aftershave (never wore it before, now I do every day. W has definitely noticed this as I've seen her take note of the smell).

* Use bodywash every day. (again, I rarely used this before...same thing, it has been noticed)

* Shaved more regularly (Would generally has some sort of stubble/beard growth. I'm now shaving every few days and so look a lot smarter).

* New clothes/look. I have been wearing jacket, shirt, tie, and jeans every day for the last 10 days or so. It has been noticed (she accused me originally of going to a solicitor but those accusations have stopped now as of the best part of a week ago).

* No pleading/crying/begging etc. That all stopped probably two weeks ago. Again it was noticed immediately as she thought I was suddenly over her/seeking legal advice etc.

* Wearing glasses - almost the same as above. W had said for a long time how I should go and get my eyes tested because she were frequently tired through working on a computer a lot. I did that about 2 weeks ago now and have been wearing my new glasses since.

* Teeth - like above, I should have gone the dentist a long time ago but didn't for one reason or another. I have recently has a check up and go on Monday for some sort of small procedure. I'm excited about this as my smile (or lack of) had previously made me self conscious. I feel after Monday I will be far more confident in myself and therefore able to smile without hesitation.

* Manning up - after the crying/begging stage I went through a spell of being nice to her (as you may have seen if you've read any other posts in this thread), probably overly nice to the point of being a doormat. She reached a point where she wanted to move back in and have me move out of our house. I said no, and I wouldn't give her my key back to our house either. Since then I have noticed a bit more respect for me on her part.

*LRT/detaching - I have stopped sending texts for the most part (just child related). I am in the waiting stage now to see if she starts to instigate communication. She did send picture message of son's tooth having fallen out yesterday and a thank you text when I forwarded some school correspondance via text but nothing R related.

Today I went out and did some shopping with my sisters. I bought a new pair of jeans, some new shoes, and some golf shoes in preparation for my golf game at the weekend. I am considering signing up to a unlimited cinema pass and going this evening...on my own.

I am just wondering to myself what other 180s I could do. Generally I am feeling a lot better in myself than just a week or two ago. There are still bad moments throughout the days but I am dealing with them better. The waiting/worrying how things go is a problem for me. I am keeping busy to keep that down to a minimum but of course this is my W and family so it's impossible to just simply not think about them at some point or other every day.

In about 40 minutes I will go and get the kids from school, take them back. It is a nice day here and there is a park over the road from MIL's house. I am thinking I might take the kids there for a little bit to spend time with them that isn't me sitting like a lemon in MIL's front room whilst everyone tip toes around pretending I'm not there for the most part.

Weekend plans: Tomorrow daughter goes to ballet. W will have come off night shift and so I will probably take her. I am thinking of going out to the fair in the afternoon since we didn't get to do that last week. W won't be invited but I would be willing to let her come along if she asked. Our last 'family' activity was just over a week ago and at that point she said 'don't get your hopes up just because I've come out with you for tea'. I said, 'I know, we're just out for tea with the kids'. There's been less anger but also less communication over the last week...so good and bad I suppose. I just wish there was less anger and more communication, but I suppose all good things come to those who wait (well, here's hoping anyway).

[Starsky309]

Alpha, that's an AWESOME list!! Hopefully you are seeing where most (all?) of these things are things you should have been doing for YOU, anyway.

How are your finances? I ask because women REALLY notice a man's shoes and his smell and his SMILE -- and probably in reverse order. If you can afford it, and once you get the necessary medical part of the dental treatment done, you should look at veneers or at least just getting your teeth whitened. Coffee, wine, cigars (if you do any of those) can really take the white off, and CHICKS DIG WHITE TEETH!

Just a thought,


Starsky

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy et al,

I didn't see your message earlier about initiating conversation with a neighbour. Now I'm a little confused. I thought the guideline was to minimise contact, GAL, and see if W starts to notice changes, become curious about what I'm up to. Of course it is not a problem to talk to her about every day things but I thought that was the wrong thing to do. Twinmom was suggesting cutting down contact with W to bare minimum, not to discuss anything with her (if I have understood properly). I understand that at some point in the future for things to get better there will have to be some increased communication and starting to get along better but I thought that the idea was to wait and see if she starts to soften, ask what I'm up to etc.

I went there this evening to drop the kids off. I took them to the park over the road from MIL's house. I had a good time with them. W stayed in house because she said she hadn't been up long from bed after working a night shift last night. I passed over kids' school stuff. She said thanks. No R talk of course. She flittered about, upstairs, kitchen, living room briefly. She wasn't nasty in any way, just more indifferent to my presence. I suppose that that is an improvement at least over hating me and shooting her scorn at me, as she has done in the recent past. What I'm trying to get now is how to gauge things for the best. It is so difficult. I have read both DB and DR and the advice, as good as it is, seems to be mainly for people who aren't yet literally 'out the door'. LRT appears to be the main thing in the books for people in my situation where we have physically separated. Maybe I am wrong there, I don't know. I can see how working on myself will have an affect but I'm struggling to understand how to proceed - again, be quiet, patient, hold back, don't make conversation, but be upbeat, polite etc...or initiate conversation about day to day stuff, how are you doing etc, without appearing to chase/pursue but not to mention R.

I seemed to get the best results in terms of pleasantness from her when I was being nice. Of course I've written how this may have backfired because she thought I was soft. Now I'm worried that things have gone a little too far in the opposite direction. I am worried that being quiet but polite, upbeat around her but not really speaking much to her may have yeah, stopped the rot, but has now stagnated things. What do you guys think? Should I continue on or should I try and tweak what I'm doing to add a bit of day to day niceness in there without the crying/pleading/chasing/being overly nice i.e. being a doormat?

oh man, I could scream right now

[Starsky309]

Minimize QUANTITY of contact. But when you *are* in her presence, maximize QUALITY of the conversation, even including initiating general conversation. Just no R talks.

That's a general DBing principle anyway, but I was even referring more to what I thought was the recent consensus on your thread, and that was for you to work on tweaking it up just a notch in the "be engaging"/less-snarky department.

Starsky

[alpha99]

ah now I see. It's amazing isn't it how sometimes something so simple to understand seems so hard to implement. I think what I've been doing is minimising contact and then on top of that minimising conversation...therefore I just look distant and uninterested in anything related to her I guess.

So if I've got this right I'm going to go for minimising contact (no unnecessary calls/texts etc) but when I'm with her I'm going to be friendly in a neighbourly way and talk about the weather, the kids, how's work etc etc without referring to our R. I hope I've got that right. That does now seem to make perfect sense to me. I had been wondering, as I wrote just earlier, how we might move things along if I am not really speaking to her when I am with her, even if I wasn't being nasty or unpleasant, just not talkative to her. Now hopefully I see what to do.