W has been home all day so far. When she packed her things last night, it was not much. Hung out with our S together. Some good conversations actually, more laughs.
Both of us were rather exhausted, took a nap in the same bed, was not wanting to start anything with her. I have a feeling I should request she stay on the couch...
What are some suggestions if she were to stay home most of the time with the continued A? Any requests I can ask of her? Just continue pulling back, being confident, etc....
If she stays somewhere else all night, especially during the week, it will be easy as her mom will ask questions when I drop off S3. I suppose I can say "W did not stay at home last night, you can talk to her about it." Or would that be too much? I do not want to get everyone involved, but W did that already, and no one trusts her in the first place. Could be beneficial.
W normally does not come home late. She did a couple times awhile back, has not since. Can do the alarm system pretty easily regardless.
W did not even stay for putting S3 to bed tonight. She is going to miss that pretty bad. She loves her night time cuddling with him. Kind of feel sorry for her. She did seem upset while packing her things again. I sensed a little reluctance. Her choices. I am just letting her do her thing.
She brought up the phone one more time right before she left. Stuck with the she can set it up herself. It is pretty easy.
Took out all of her dirty laundry and put it aside for her. She can do that herself. She said she wanted independence.
Cleaned and straightened up the house a bit - always makes me feel good to accomplish something tangible. Overall I do feel a lot better that I was able to actually stand up for my morals and values the proper way and stick to it.
W came by to pick up S after his nap. She wants to spend some time with him and take him out. Bring him back for bedtime. I have a soccer game, so that works out just fine. Prefer her just staying here and playing with him, but cannot really stop her.
She came in, we were cordial. Told her some of the funny things our S did last night and this morning. She mentioned how clean ad nice it smelled in the house. She was always irritated when I did all of the cleaning...I may be a little OCD. She never really did it. Several weeks would normally go by when I left it to her. Same with the laundry. Probably did not ask her specifically enough to do these things. Then again, she has always had issues. Talking to my BIL (married in) he said that W's sister is the same way. He said that MIL apparently never enforced cleaning tasks with them. That she would just come in and do the cleaning. It is odd. I am a lot like my MIL. We do have a very good relationship.
She brought S out of bed to snuggle with him on the couch. She seemingly had a look of comforted relief. Maybe I was seeing things.
She did mention that she felt like I was holding him from her. I told her "I can see that, but I did not kick you out. You can be here and do what you want."
She said she was not sure how she could be here if she cannot use the services I pay for. I told her "I do not mind you doing homework here, or being here, but anything that is being used that ends up being disrespectful to the family, I can not support. You can pay for your own stuff for that." I decided I do not mind the education going on as I believe no one should be limited on that. She is paying for that herself anyway, just not the services she uses here at the moment.
If she does decide she wants to stay home, but is planning to ultimately leave, I plan to ask her to pay some of the bills, at least go part way on some things. If she is planning to be room mates, then that is how it goes.
W brought S back about 40 minutes past his bedtime. We are normally rather rigid on this. I said "I prefer him to be here by X:XX to get him ready for bed, especially if I do not know where he is." She started "I didn't know he was going to....I am the one who came up with that bed time..." It does not matter. He should be here on time regardless...I did not say this, unspoken understanding I would say.
After getting him to bed, we were talking in the kitchen. She first apologized for bringing S home late...good, she heard my boundary. We then started talking about what she plans to do.
She starts, "Well I guess I will just get here early in the morning and wait until my mom comes and picks him (S) up, I do not really want to change anything with her." I said, "well I can just drop him off over there in the morning like I used to do." She responds, "She might think something is up. I do not want her knowing anything, yet. Unless you have told her." I said, "Nope. I am letting you do that. I do not want a divorce, so you can tell everyone. She may pick up on it though, she does have senses like that sometimes. If they ask me something specifically, I will likely tell them to truth, though." I may actually just ask them to talk to her, then come back to me for confirmation to make sure she was truthful.
She said that she would just pick him up at the specified time and just stay with him as long as possible, at home. This would be until I get home, which is kind of whenever I want. Love that flex time. I have been enjoying hanging out with people after work recently. Quite nice.
She accepted the task of telling everyone, but she seemed very distraught the entire time. Realizing this is going to be a difficult task so soon after she heard her mother's "ultimatum." Not my problem. I was not trying to get them to take sides. They just kind of did.
Supposedly she got her phone account set up and working. A start to her independence....good for her. I did smile and say "Good." Probably not the best route. I actually am proud she figured it out, though.
Yesterday morning, W shows up at home about 15 minutes after the latest time I wanted to leave for work. I asked her if she could be there at X:XX time so I can leave between X:XX and Y:YY (30 minute range) for work. She does not want her mother knowing anything yet. I let this slip as I did not mention any specific time the previous day, and assured her it was OK this time. We agreed upon the X:XX time.
In the evening, I get home. W is doing homework while watching S. We hang out for awhile, pleasantly converse about a few things. She says she needs to go somewhere to pick something up and then do more homework else where. I say "wouldn't you like to stay to help put S to bed?" She says "I do not see how I can do that with time and I feel like I am not wanted here." I respond, "I did not kick you out, and have said otherwise. If you feel like you need to leave, that is fine."
She leaves. On leaving, she said that she will be home on time for S, as to not let her mom know that anything is awry.
This morning. X:XX comes around. Do not hear from W. At about 5 minutes until Y:YY, I leave with S3 to take him to MIL's house for his care taking, so then I can get to work and support the family.
W calls, "Where is S3?" Me: "I took him to your mom's. I need to get to work." W: "I was trying to get up and move so I can get into the car and drive...I was pulling into the driveway right at Y:YY." she does have shoulder and back pain, so do I. Me: "We agreed upon a time you would be there, and you said you would be, but you were not. So, I took S to your mom's so I can get to work, as this is what I need to do."
She sees me driving past on one of the streets to get to her mom's house. Tells me to stop. I say OK. Stop and come to her window.
Me: "Hi." W repeats a few things she said before. Me: "We agreed upon a time, and you were not there. A call at X:XX, letting me know you would be late, would have been acceptable. It makes me feel disrespected otherwise." W: "You feel disrespected? You turned off my phone." Me: "I can see it feeling that way. I am not going to support you having an A though. If you want to do that, then you can pay for it, my money goes to supporting the family. If my boundaries are going to be crossed every step of the way, then I am going to take action to protect them. I have felt completely disrespected through this entire process, and I am sick of being trampled on. I cannot do that anymore. If there was a problem back in August (about a month ago, she did claim that she stopped caring about me then), I feel like it would have been a lot more respectful to bring it up then, but it was not, and I had to find things out the hard way, making me feel terrible." W: "Where was I supposed to go then?" Me: "That was up to you. These are your decisions."
Somewhere in there, she did ask if her mom said anything. I told her MIL was surprised and was wondering. I just told MIL that she can talk to W about it.
It really is amazing how much a person can change in a short period of time. In the past, through conversations, I learned that she was adamantly opposed to A, as this is what her dad did to her family, and she believed that people should be married only once. I held onto this, felt like I could fully trust her. She also used to be very punctual, and would let others know when she was running late. Not the case now apparently.
Yesterday, I noticed that I did not ensure the message mentioning that I was taking our S to W's mom's house did not get through, looked like there was a service problem or something. Regardless, when I found this out, I decided to send a message apologizing, letting her know that I understood that would have been a major concern.
W: "I should have known that any opportunity would be one you'd use to hurt me, as I have been hurting you." Me: "I can see it feeling that way."
Came home from work, we had a little talk about some things, mostly her and what was going through her mind. Her mom, as I expected, laid into her again. Apparently MIL said some really inappropriate and dark things, of which upset W royally. Completely understood. She was also upset as she thought that S3 did not want to be around her because he was being difficult and unwilling to leave MIL's house. He does this to everyone, including me. MIL gives him everything he wants basically.
Today, I come home from work. Some good talks, laughs, hanging out with S3. She was actually mentioning some things about us in the future. "We should get another..." It was kind of strange. I just went along with it as if it were a joke or something.
She put her shoes on in preparation to leave. We continued talking some. She got quiet. "I love you, I do love you. You are a wonderful person, and we do well together, I do not know what I was thinking. If you are willing to accept, I want to work on....." Then she gets up, "I think I need more time." Walks out.
I kind of sit there dumbfounded. This seems like progress, just one or two more words, hopefully truthful...
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I agree with TM - signs of hope - but she stopped herself and is still conflicted. Sounds like from your end you are on the right track though. But any 'jumping on it' could mean you backtrack....so best to just ignore it was said and don't bring it up.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
