Still Smiling

[Lorelai]

Another good show I started watching this year—Hindsight on VH1. Sometimes I admit I do find myself daydreaming about what I would do if I could go back in time and start over from my 20s. I would still marry H (after all, I couldn't imagine life without my kids!) but I would so approach our marriage and relationship differently... I guess I now have that hindsight I so desperately needed back then, whether I end up with H or someone else.

[BklynMom]

This May will be the 4 year anniversary of my journey... wow.

I wanted to journal how happy I am today.

I have such a great life. I have a good career, stable finances, wonderful parents & sister whom I have grown closer to, & of course 2 amazing kids.

I honestly don't think I could have been as happy if not for the bomb.

The old me always wanted more. A nicer house, (my apartment is a dump!), more "normal" and better parents, kids that ate their vegetables for breakfast lunch and dinner and of course I had a long long list of how I was flawed. I wasn't advanced enough in my career, I didn't cook enough, Im not skinny enough, my hair is not pretty enough, if only I could afford botox.

I finally feel like everything I have is enough.

There are still hard times, especially when the girls are disappointed by their father. That is really hard and really upsetting.

[Lorelai]

Love your post, Bklyn Mom! I too have grown closer to my sister in this process and I do have much to be thankful for. But yeah, our hearts still break for the little ones and that part is really tough.

[BklynMom]

I just need to post my email exchange with ex today since I am beating myself up for not replying so nicely too him. I am just so tired of his passive aggressive BS and honestly as a working single mom of 2 - i don't have the time or the energy to review & edit my emails all day. I am so done with him.
-----
FROM EX:

(some talk about soccer for the kids and then)

on a couple of other things:
D6 - i have been working on shampooing and brushing her hair last couple of visits. this last weekend, got all the tangles out, which caused a lot of tears, but her hair was so much easier to comb the next day. she promised to keep brushing so it wouldn’t hurt like that. i don’t know if she talked to you about it.

D4 - is she still getting the pacifier? she hasn’t with me since she was 3. and she’s been fine. i wonder if that is contributing to her reluctance to leave with me when i pick them up? is she sleeping in her bed at your house?

exH

ME
Okay glad you can make on time this Friday. My mom will be at home with the girls.

D4s soccer is 10A at the armory on Saturday and I am sure it will be okay if D6 misses a game or two. D4 would not be on the team she would just have the Sat morning class.

D6 has not mentioned shampooing or brushing to me. We continue to maintain our regular hygeine habits and I brush through her tangles onces a week or so when I have the time.

D4 still uses the pacifier and sleeps in bed with me and she's been fine. I have no idea if that is contributing to her reluctance to leave with you but my parenting methods have been made simpler now and I do not want to make bedtime more difficult for me or D4 or for my mother. I am sure she will grow out of both those habits.

Bklyn
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Do you guys think I'm a b!tch?? Why do I worry so so much that he thinks Im a B!tch. Why do I give a Sh!t worrying about what he thinks.

PS Thanks Lorilai for the Hindsight recommendation I will check it out this weekend

[Mighty]

Do you guys think I'm a b!tch?? Why do I worry so so much that he thinks Im a B!tch. Why do I give a Sh!t worrying about what he thinks.

Ummm.... NO! Not even close, Brook! He asked you a question and you gave him an answer. Maybe it wasn't what he wanted, maybe it was, but you simply answered.

I think his line of questioning was geared towards you changing you habits to suit him. Or questioning the way you do things.... too bad, buddy.

I get why you worry about looking like a b. I think bc we work really hard on taking the high road that we question things like being curt or honest... or saying things they don't want to hear. Or, perhaps, to not be on the receiving end of crazy. Then, there is also the fact that we didn't cause what they did, and don't want to give them a reason to justify what they have done.

I think, in a way, too, we just aren't that person. We loved and shared a life with this person, and regardless of their actions, it is unnatural for us to behave that way towards this person.

Honestly, Brook, I don't think you did anything wrong at all! If he doesn't like your answer, that's something he has to live with. Don't make his issues yours. Don't doubt or question yourself. You are a role model for dignity and grace. He knows that, too. Probably what frustrates him. Because he CAN'T justify it. No sweat, Brook. Keep your head up!

[BklynMom]

THANK YOU Mighty:) Big Big smiles from me.

Thank you. That meant a lot!

[beatrice]

OMG what a selfish self centred insecure man. no not a b. . .

And one day you will not care what you think. Right now he needs to be right about everything. What a jerk

[job]

BklynMom,
I'm sorry your h is questioning you about how you are raising your children. He has absolutely nothing else to complain about.

I do have one concern which, as you will recall, is very near and dear to my heart. Please, please start weaning your child off that pacifier. It is going to create all kinds of trouble with her speech and her teeth. She's old enough now to substitute a stuffed animal for the pacifier. I would hate to see her go to school and kids make fun of her speech. Kids can be very cruel and then your child will not want to participate in activities for fear of being teased.

As for her sleeping in your bed, you will eventually need to place her in her own bed...but that will come in time. Get her a nice stuffed bunny at Easter and tell her that's her new sleepy time friend and then gradually take the pacifier away from her. Eventually the bunny will take its place.

[BklynMom]

Thank you b and job.

I know he is so selfish. Never says thank you for me doing so much. All the other parents I know are amazed at how I able to handle raising two kids and working. All my friends (you guys included) talk about how lucky and amazing my mom is for helping me. Exh never thanks me nor does he thank my mother. He just sends emails like the ones above passive aggressively saying I am somehow less then good as a mom.

The pacifier is not ideal but I am not gonna upset our comfortable bed time
Routine. It will happen when it happens. Maybe I'll try again after his next weekend with the kids.

The extended pacifier use messed up my d6 speech but luckily my d4 speech has not been effected.
I am really working hard on not judging myself for not being a perfect mom.

That's kind of why I needed to share the email on these boards. I am slightly embarrassed and ashamed that my 4 year sleeps with a pacifier but seriously big whoop. It's so not important in the big picture. She is 4. She needs to feel secure and if I can give my daughter that (after her father abandoned her) that is my priority.

I am so blessed.

I am so happy in the life I have.

I am so lucky to have these boards

[job]

No one is a perfect mom or dad. You are doing a great job of taking care of your girls. Your xh is just looking for something to stir the pot with. He's not happy w/the way things are going in his life, so he wants to share that unhappiness w/you by criticizing you. Ignore him.