Rysinmans climb after WAW!

[Starsky309]

Yes, I like the way you handled it. There were no questions in there, so that's all just SPEW, and best ignored.

[RysinMn]

Thank you it took all of my beeing not to write and defend myself and point out her warpped sense of things and the same thing she is talking to me about she does. Especially made me angry because I never talk crap, I state facts and that is it. and I don't name call. But I think to defend would just warrant she seeing me as still strung along. And I think that is her plan. I can't think of any other reason for staying at the house when she could be with OM.

[Wonka]

Ya know....consistently taking the high road can be lonely at times, but what's the alternative? Exactly.

[RysinMn]

I hear that, I'm super lonely but I will not stoop to that lvl. what is everyones take on legal separation. My counselor suggested it? Kinda feel like I am saying I don't want to be married to you anymore without saying it.

[Sotto]

Hi Rysin

Legal S is what I would like to happen in my sitch. In the UK, a deed of S would be ageed that has no legal standing as such, but carries a lot of 'weight' with the courts when you come to D. My S explained that a deed normally stands as the basis for the D unless something really big changed - like one party had an accident and couldn't work any more.

In some countries, the S seems to have more legal standing. In the UK, you can't have a 'no fault' D until you have been S for 2 years and that is my aim - that we S, and don't D until that timescale has passed. I figure if we haven't reconciled by that point, I may well feel it's time to move on and we can D with 'no fault' which is a nicer process.

Without looking back I can't recall if you've seen a L? It would be a good idea if you haven't already. They can explain how a LS could work. I would also say that sitches on the boards vary and you are still at eary stages. Some people agree a LS pretty much at the start - others keep things informal for longer. Does that keep the road home paved smoother? IDK - but it can be more risky in terms of assets and finances.

[RysinMn]

it is something I have been thinking about.but I really don't know. Anyhow today has been a really good day. In a great mood. And excited for the weekend to get here.

[Complex]

Sounds like you are doing good progress Rysin. Good to hear you feel better.
You don't take any meds do you? Do you have IC?

Legal separation is such a confusing thing to me still. It's like a trial D, or just a painful way to make things more amicable for WAW. On the other hand it's better than D. So I don't know if I should see it positive or not. It's probably moving in that direction in my sitch too. It pretty much feels like D for me tho.
W much also use it to be free and start dating again.

Just get informed and a L, but don't initiate anything. Don't help her. But also try not to be passive aggressive in the process. And like toots said its pretty early in your sitch still. It takes a lot of energy from WAW to start a legal process.

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah, that would've been one of those in-person convos where I would have recommended you just stop, stare at her incredulously, shake your head and say "Wow." -- and nothing more.

THIS^^^...

There are times in many long relationships, in which the best response is a non response.

It shows that the person (you), is SO SURPRISED and UNPREPARED for the wacky & unfair comment the spouse just made

that the safest & smartest thing for you to say, the most careful thing,
is to say NOTHING.

Because that says it all.

Besides, anytime You do the spewing, it means you stooped. And it is beneath you (AND worse, it would only serve to fuel her fire & justify her negative feelings.)

I also agree with what Train said, it IS a bit weird that she asked you for the space. I'd choose to see it as an opportunity to show the new improved 'moving forward' version of you....

(it's MEGA GAL time, btw.)

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.

Good luck!

PS

IF IF IF you can pull it off, and if she says another remarkably weird thing about you and OWs,

go with it-but in a funny way. "You mean I can't have ANY of my girlfriends over ALL week!??"

Or

"Whoah, I better call to cancel the band and caterer b/c that was my night for the BIG PARTY - with all the LADIES I know & Love, &all the ones I have been partying with since I DEPLOYED (b/c the deployment was one fun night after another! Oh the laughs we had!")

OR

"Yeah sure w, I've been busy DATING lots of OWs...I guess that's what you need to tell yourself w..."

But you must be upbeat and happy when you say it, like it really does amuse you. Show NO anger. And in time, it just might be funny to you.

Never give in to the anger & temptation to say something snarky & spiteful like
"Call OM" or "You made your bed, now lie in it" b/c that is simply NOT How you live your life. You have let her go and you are now living your life as fully as you can. You have no energy for pettiness.

So no, You will NOT succumb to bitterness toward her, you will NOT behave in a smarmy manner toward the woman you once vowed to love forever.

You just won't. You are above that. Your life is better than that.

Best wishes Rys, truly

[25yearsmlc]

So this has not started out the way it should. Two nights straight W has come home at 11 pm and after 12am lastnight each time waking me up when u have to be up at 330 am for my school. So finally lastnight night after she pulled in I went down and sat on the stairs. When she tried to sneak in the front door I was sitting there. I said, "W I need you to know this is not a hotel where you came and go when you want, she said I can do what ever I want. My reply was "if you think you can do whatever you want then I don't think this situation is going to work this is still my house."

Why didn't you just tell her you needed your sleep & she woke you up? What was the rest of all this^^ about anyhow?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't like it.

But I'm left with the feeling that she thinks this is about YOU stomping your feet to control her and telling her it's "your house!!!" and all that,

but why not say it's about her waking you up?!

Be clear with her. And specific.


she states "it's our house and if it wasnt for me you wouldn't have it either. I said you gave up the house when you left, and she actually turned to me and said I left not her. I realized it was going no where fast


If you had kept to the fact that she woke you up (and where is "the friend"???) you would not have had to engage in all the rest.

so I just said you nred to try and think about the other people you are affecting by your actions.

THAT^^ is Way too vague (judgmental to her as well) for a WAW...sorry

And went to bed. I was so angry only got 3.5 hours of sleep and that's not good for my master fitness course where in exhausted daily.

So how do I approach this thing,

You tell her THAT^^^.

cause it is obvious she is not staying at my house to spend time with our friend. She is actually using it becuase she is out all night with OM doing acrobatics. Which makes zero sense why she doesn't stay with him.

You say "it's obvious...for OM" time but it's NOT obvious to me. Why not stay at his place?

I'm confused.

.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Complex]Sounds like you are doing good progress Rysin. Good to hear you feel better.
You don't take any meds do you? Do you have IC?

Legal separation is such a confusing thing to me still. It's like a trial D, or just a painful way to make things more amicable for WAW.


I disagree that it's a trial D or that it is "just a painful way to make things more amicable (??) for a WAW", at least as it relates to CA.

(and I did explain this to you in some detail, Complex, so I must not have been very clear)

Rys, I don't recall which state you are in but here, a LS is different than a divorce.

I myself filed for a LS when h was in Alaska,

1) to prevent him from mortgaging our home "to invest" with his heroes up there.

2) To protect assets without a divorce is one huge reason for a Sep,

3) another is to retain health insurance, and 4) another might be for religious or moral reasons.

A WAS can simply TELL people you are 'separated" when you don't live together which is, technically the truth. There is no need for them to file something legal for it.

But if one of the reasons I mentioned above is relevant, or some other reason I did not mention, then it might make sense.

I'd never do it "to make a point" b/c I would not know what the point made, is...


If it was a counselor suggesting it, it might be b/c they want you protected and know you are not the one who wants a divorce. You know, you could ask them why they are suggesting it, as opposed to suggesting you file for a divorce...

But always see lawyers for LEGAL matters and see if it would make any sense for you.