Thanks Ahoy - I hear you and I would probably give someone in my position the same advice - but I am going to say something. My kids are young enough that they don't really understand the whole living with a girlfriend thing and a lot of this is very confusing to them. Sure - they will figure it out years from now - but in the meantime I'd rather not have them think that Mom hates Dad or that we fought all the time. I make a lot of effort to not badmouth him in front of the kids.
I'm calm now. I'm going to wait another day and then all I'm going to do is repeat what D6 and ask if it is accurate. If he says that it is - I'm just going to ask that he stick to what he knows when he talks to them - not to speculate about what my feelings might be and to stick to the truth about the move - which is that it apparently made him unhappy - not that we fought about it.
There's a difference between taking the high road and just rolling over for him. Maybe I'm wrong - but this seems like the time to stick up for myself a bit.
I hear you, raliced. But prepare yourself for the fact that no matter what you say, your H is going to say and do whatever he wants -- as he has all along. You won't be able to control it. Believe me, I have to deal with the same garbage, but you're right that it's harder with young ones. One thing you could do when your kids ask you, is just tell them that you have a different perspective and don't feel that way. Also you can tell them that if you want to know how someone feels, you have to ask THAT PERSON, not get information from someone else. I don't know -- they are young even for that. I know you'll figure it out, just don't expect much from your H.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
There's a difference between taking the high road and just rolling over for him. Maybe I'm wrong - but this seems like the time to stick up for myself a bit.
I agree, and go for it! You've let the issue sit for a few days, it still bothers you, and I believe that you will be able to address this honestly, without the turbulence of emotion driving the discussion, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how it goes.
Something I used to remind my oldest, who was about 8 at the time: that black and white situations rarely exist, people and emotions are complicated, and sometimes what we think or say isn't the case at all. I'd have probably told her if she was your D6, "don't you think that I'd be able to fix something as easy as our house in Iowa or mushy broccoli?" I wouldn't add anything and I'd just let that one sit for... an eternity?
BTW, Mr. Wonderful told his family in the early phases that I forced him to move from our first house into the house I currently reside and that it made him unhappy. It took him YEARS to admit that I couldn't have all that power myself, and that yes, he was sad, but that it wasn't the breaking point for our marriage. Not being able to talk to me about it was, though.
And I'll say to you what someone wise once told me: just because someone says something doesn't mean it's the truth.
I'd say that his overly simplistic explanation to your D6 is just a smoke screen for a whole lot more complications that he doesn't want to see, think about, and/or address with anyone. Doesn't mean you have to live by that, though. You'll do a fine job with your kids, Raliced. Of that, I'm 100% sure.
Hugs-
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm still going to sit on it for a day - just to ensure I can remain calm and reasonable.
In some ways I'm pretty lucky. I'm on excellent terms with my In-Laws and to the best of my knowledge he hasn't made any attempt to throw me under the bus with them. The fact that he moved in directly with his girlfriend right away would kind of give the lie to any explanation anyway.
My MIL is actually coming out next week for D6's birthday (gotta get used to typing "D7" soon). She's staying with me the entire time. I was going to ask STBX to pick her up to the airport so that I wouldn't have to take time off from work. I guess it says something that I felt like I had to run it by her first. She said ok and that she would like to see him for a few minutes.
And as for friends - most of our mutual friends are in Iowa - and I have no idea if he has reached out to them. He shut down his Facebook account the day of BD, which was previously his primary method of communication.
So really - in terms of how he represents things - the only people at issue are the most important ones - our daughters. I'm ok with him being vague. He could even say that Mom and Dad couldn't get along. I'd be fine with that. There was more to the conversation he had with D6 that I didn't originally post, because she was a little more vague about it. He apparently said something about how he grew up as a simple cowboy (yeah- his grandparents had a farm - but he's from upstate New York, for pete's sake), and it sounds like there was an implication that I am some sort of materialistic city slicker and that was part of the problem, too. I'm not going to bring that part of it up with him - because I'm not as sure about what was said - but it does give me a little bit of a clue about where his head is at.
BTW - this fabulous paradise in Iowa that he was so fond of? It was a small 1950's ranch house on a beautiful acreage that was way too much work for us to maintain while we both worked full time. It really degenerated during the years we lived there. And it was cold. We spent thousands of dollars to heat it every year and it was still perpetually chilly. When we bought it, STBX talked a big game about all the work he was going to do to make it more comfortable - but it turned out he didn't really have the skills or the motivation. Yeah- I wanted to live in a bigger, better insulated house with a modern kitchen, some closet space, and a yard we could take care of. Guilty.
I've posted a lot about this one little issue. The truth is that STBX and I speak very, very rarely right now - so, since I am initiating an actual conversation - I guess I'm giving it a lot of thought.
I see that many of us here also share another thing in common - spouses who don't/won't communicate effectively. I got the blame for moving too, but as I remember, I initialized it, and he ran with it. I get it.
Oh man, upstate NY where? My D21 goes to college in upstate NY, and we are not talking Albany or Syracuse. She's almost in Canada. It's kind of funny - she says that lots of the kids she goes to college with haven't been west of Cleveland. They live in the state with the largest city in the US and they think everyone else are city slickers? WTF? She's got issues with the tunnel vision and the lack of sophistication, not in style but of attitudes, mores and beliefs. I understand that.
I grew up in northern VA and you'd think that being in another large urban area that people would be savvy and well traveled. I found out exactly how NOT that was when I left. People were genuinely disturbed that I found a fulfilling, exciting life outside of DC. They couldn't understand why anyone would want to leave. I'm being dead serious. On the flip side, my mom grew up in podunk MN - north of Duluth on Lake Superior - also near Canada. People there generally accepted that the residents would go to college in the twin cities, and possibly live there, but her hometown friends were genuinely perplexed that she would leave the state. Well, they would have accepted if she moved to either Florida or Arizona, but why would anyone leave MN for any place else? Again, I'm serious.
I think wherever you live, there is the tendency to perceive "others" as something odd/weird/interesting/different because humans genuinely don't like to seek out change.
I can tell you honestly that when I was a teenager, sitting in one of my high school classrooms, and then again at work years later, staring out my window to gaze on the runway at National Airport (ok, Reagan National), I would literally imagine myself anywhere else but there. I would tell my office mate, "I wish I were on THAT plane" (pointing to one taking off) and he would quip, "What if it's going to Wichita?" I remember thinking that I just didn't care. I knew I was destined to leave my home town and go somewhere that I could redefine myself and start all over. My XH is from northwestern Montana and about as far from my upbringing as I could have possibly gone. Yet, we share many of the same beliefs and attitudes. I think it has to do with how our families of origin viewed wayfaring folk. My family has never had that sense, as my dad's family never lived stateside as long as I've been on this planet. Who knows?
Personally, I think where you live is less an indicator than the general attitude of change and growth. Perhaps your H is one of those people who just doesn't want to understand your POV?
Sorry for rambling. I'm hungry and need to eat something. Maybe I'm suffering and delusional.
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The truth is that STBX and I speak very, very rarely right now - so, since I am initiating an actual conversation - I guess I'm giving it a lot of thought.
This is probably growth for you, Raliced. I think this is a good thing to do.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My STBX is from around the Syracuse area. I don’t know how much of his professed insularity is real and how much of it is a pose. He has actually lived in quite a few places. He went to college close to home – but then at some point his senior year he dropped out (he said he was burned out from going to classes, working full time and being in a fraternity)and proceeded to work as a chef in various locations throughout the country for about 5 years . Side note – I never paid too much attention to this period in his life before – it seemed just like 20s aimlessness. I went through a similar period myself (fun fact about Raliced- I was once a Vegas cocktail waitress). Now, it’s a lot more interesting to me, because it seems like another time when he just dropped everything and ran away. Then his mom got breast cancer (she beat it thankfully), and while she was going through treatment, he came home and finished his degree at her request. After she was recovered, he took off again, lived and worked with some friends in Vegas and met me. I've had the thought lately that maybe the return home interrupted whatever it was he was working through and now it’s come back with a vengeance.
I dunno, I have a little bit of a hard time with the “I’m just a simple country boy” routine, but I do get that is who he wants to be and I think he is trying very hard to see himself that way right now. That’s for him to work out. I just don’t want him casting me as the materialistic city slicker to the girls. Although, I’m sure they might eventually notice that we live on 10 acres and live adjacent to a town with only 15,000 residents (most are squirreled away in the mountains). Not exactly a mega metropolis.
Anyway – I sent him a note with a few logistics for the week and included a request to call me when he has a few spare minutes. I will discuss his comments to D6 then. This is actually a 180 for me – I’m not avoiding this conflict with him.
Well- that was interesting. Spoke to STBX about D6's comments. He denied them all and seemed kinda flabbergasted. Lots of "I have no idea where she would get that from", although he did say he had told her about missing the house in Iowa. I'm not sure if I believe him completely. Some of the things she came up with were pretty specific. I emphasized that I was sure he could understand how I would be upset to hear some of those things.
He said that she does ask him about it a lot and he says that he "tries to be honest that Daddy is a screw up and that he made a series of bad decisions that led to this place".
In return - I told him that I never badmouth him or his girlfriend with the kids.
And then we talked about car insurance which I had completely forgotten about in all of this.......
Raliced, good for you for speaking up. Maybe he didn't respond the way you thought, so who knows the real story, but at least he knows you will call him on it when you have a concern. And that's a win.
I'm glad you were able to address it with him. I hope it changes his behavior, or at least makes him think twice about saying something. I wish I could say something to my H about not talking so much about his girlfriend to D14, but I think he's preparing her for having this woman be a part of her life. So crazy.
raliced, on the legal front, where are you now? Do you have a court date set? I'm trying to gauge how long the process takes. Some seem to go quickly, and others drag on.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You know, I realized this morning, that to my knowledge, D6 does not lie to me, but STBX has a rather extensive, significant and recent history - so why am I taking his word over hers? She may have distorted it a bit - but I'm going to choose to believe her. Anyway- he knows I'm paying attention now, for whatever that's worth.
As to your legal question - We have all the documents (child custody, child support and property division) signed and blessed (or rather rubber stamped) by a judge. Basically in California - when a divorce is filed they immediately assign a final court date 6 months out. In most cases when the parties fight about anything, the date gets pushed back. Since we agreed on everything it looks like it will still happen on time mid April. I don't think we even need to be there since signatures are notarized on everything.
