Need Help!!!

[sandi2]

Okay, good. This information helps a lot. The Love Dare is a ......sweet little book if there is not a WAS or wayward spouse in the M. I personally do not believe it works when you have a WAW. like most men, you were doing what you thought was she wanted. Unfortunately, Love Dare is way too pursuing and when you have a walk away wife, that is the last thing you should do.

So now you are physically separated. Even though you both spend a certain amount of time together at the office, it's important that you maintain the mindset of being single instead of being married......and not trying to convince her to give you another chance. In other words, act separated from her. By your last description, it seems that you have started doing precisely that, which is good.

I want to expound a little more about acting single. Don't get the impression I am suggesting you act as if you are checking out other women in front of your W or even talking about other women to her. Don't hint around that you are thinking of dating, or whatever. That's not what I mean. If you will work on acting as if you are no longer married to her, perhaps it will help you not give off a needy vibe when you are around her. Also, unless she is trying to have a discussion with you, maybe try to avoid looking so deeply into her eyes. (Since your eyes give away your feelings to her.) This may sound a little contrary to what I usually advise, about looking the W in the eyes when she talks, so stay balanced about it. When/if she's trying to have an important discussion, you do look at her, to let her know you hear what she's saying. But you do not want to have a pitiful, love-sick, or victim expression in those eyes of yours. Make sense?

I think you may know to not linger around the office when you don't have anything to do, just to be near her. She's very perceptive of your body language. You have to act as if you are the confident, charming, new single guy, living a busy/fun/interesting life...... that she has just let go. This thought should hit her square between the eyes. "I have just made him available!" "He's a free agent, and I did it! "Someone will replace me in his life!"

You may feel she won't respond with those thoughts, but you just never know. Human nature is very funny. When we take things for granted, it loses its attraction (sometimes) and if we lose what was once so available to us and we even thought we didn't want it........we suddenly discover just how important it is. This is very true in the complexity of the man/husband - woman/wife relationship.

When you read DB or DR, it may sound somewhat counterproductive. It works! Nothing can guarantee saving your M, but if you follow it, it will save you, and you will come through this (either way) being a happier/better man. It's not like some self improvement type of book, but the results work as if it were. So, you benefit from DBing.

As a man, your nature is probably to pursue her. However, since she is a WAW, you need to do the opposite and step back. This will seem strange, and there will be other things you will naturally want to do.....like help her when she's down, rescue her, fix her, etc. It's important for her to go through this process. She has recognized how she needs to learn how to do things without you. Frankly, it's pretty rare to see this in a WAW. B/c usually, they will "use" the LBH whenever it suits them. In other words, they want to keep some of the benefits they had being M to him, but without the commitment of a MR. We call it cake eating.

When you see astonishment in her eyes? It's good. Shock, confusion, sadness? All good. Let her have these feelings and do not assure her everything is going to be fine and that you'll always be there for her no matter what. She has to feel the loss of you. Even though you still see her for a few moments at a time, she can get a view of the guy she gave up. She will see him happy and doing fine without her. And that's great b/c it is necessary for her to realize she made a mistake in leaving him. She has to come to this realization on her own, and not by you or anyone else telling her. In fact, the more you try to convince her, the more damage you do to yourself.

Often times a woman will lose respect for her H, for various reasons. In your first few posts, it sounded as if you were a SAHD who wasn't doing very much. You had a teenager in school and wasn't getting out and leading a very interesting life. At least that's how it sounded, and she tried to encourage you to get out of the house. How much that might have played in changing her level of respect toward you, IDK. I do know it can affect women in a very negative way, even though they may agree to the arrangement in the beginning.

Respect and attraction.......that are the two main areas to work on at this time. She felt the attraction once, so it's possible again. We women are attracted to very confident men. (hint)

Your new career is a great launching pad in getting your confidence going. I bet she already notices.

[MrBond]

"I did a lot of crying, begging, bullying, and controlling."

How? Again ... SPECIFICS. We can't help you unless you give us something to work with.

[errod]

Examples of controlling. Even though we were separated I would expect her to tell me where she was and who she was with. I drove by her house one even and caught her not being home when she said she was in bed. I never did mention it until I caught her the next week by accident because my daughter wanted me to drive her over there to get more clothes. W says she did not tell me because I hate the particular friend who's house she went to and it wasn't my business.

As far as the crying and begging we have been on an emotional roller coaster the last two months. First moving her into our dream home alone. Then that very weekend we sold our old house. So we had to start packing that up. Then I had to move out of that house into an apartment which we did together. Packing and touching all the things that represent are life together made me have a breakdown and crying and begging. Then the first day in the apartment, I went from a 4,000 square foot house on 10.5 acres to 1,000 square foot apartment sent me on another bring down when I cried and begged.

I understand were it does look like an affair, but I am still not 100% she isn't just trying to block out my emotions because I am such an emotional person. I sent her many love songs through email. I also sent different quotes from the Notebook her favorite movie. Plus I wrote her many apology letters in email form. I have not done any of that in about 3 weeks now but those are the mistakes I made early on that had her continue to pull away.

As far as going to the office I go in now when I know she is seeing patients, I do what I need to to and get out in about an hour or two. She will pop her head in and we will talk about D14. As soon as I am done my work I am out the backdoor without anyone even knowing.

I will be out of town the next 3 weekends. One going to visit family and two with my daughters cheerleading team at states. She will have time to either miss me or time to play since she will be childless and alone for all that time.

[errod]

The one line she always says to me is she loves me and will always be there for me and take care of me. But then she says she can't stay married to me because she doesn't have those magic feelings anymore. I said a line to her 3 weeks ago that she brings up every time we argue. I told love is choice not a feeling. I know what I meant by it and I know there is truth to that line. But I learned it is not the proper thing to say to a WAW.

Another thing is even though she thinks I did nothing all day as she is getting estimates on the things I did do around the house they cost a great deal of money. The estimate to have lawn service cut a lawn our size is over $200 per cut. Over $100 to have the driveway plowed. The price of our daughters security of having a parent there to get her to and from school priceless.

I know I am trying to think with logic and logic got me in trouble.

[errod]

One other thing that really seemed to be the extreme turning point, was weeks ago she told me to tell a mutual friend of ours about the situation. I did. Well last week he brought my snow blower to W house. When there he tried to talk to her some about the situation. He was just talking about the importance of family and how every marriage has it's ups and downs. She has been mad ever since that. But she told me to tell him and she new he was coming over that day so I don't know why it's my fault.

[MrBond]

"She will have time to either miss me or time to play since she will be childless and alone for all that time."

This is still control on your part. Stop mindreading what she may or may not feel. It's not worth it.

And what have you been doing to make yourself stronger? Have you seen changes within yourself?

[Fogg]

I sent her many love songs through email. I also sent different quotes from the Notebook her favorite movie. Plus I wrote her many apology letters in email form. I have not done any of that in about 3 weeks now but those are the mistakes I made early on that had her continue to pull away.

I said a line to her 3 weeks ago that she brings up every time we argue. I told love is choice not a feeling.

I know I am trying to think with logic and logic got me in trouble.

You say you stopped making many of the emotional mistakes 3 weeks ago but go on to say she keeps bringing up that comment about love in all of your arguments. What are you arguing about all the time now and why does it keep going to something involving love? What starts the conversation that leads into the argument? Who directs it there? If you lead any conversation into your relationship your still showing your emotions to her, you need to stop pursuing.

I know its not easy, you want answers and talking sometimes leads to answers(or so you think). I have struggled with the same issue but I'm starting to notice the error in this thinking and I'm avoiding it much better.

Stop trying to change her mind or reason with her, you cant. Logic really wont help you at all. All your actions are just hurting your own image. Being an emotional person is hard, I am one myself, but you have to get a handle on it. She doesn't care how you feel right now, try not to take it too personal.

Shes mad at you because the friend tried to defend you, he took your side. Doesn't matter if that was his intention or not, she sees it as you pursuing her through him. Its best to just not talk to people.

[sandi2]

She will be highly resistant to anything people (who are pro-marriage) will have to say to her. Even if you didn't suggest he talk to her, she will blame you. As I have told some others, the WAW finds the H as her easy target to blame with most everything. When her fantasy world starts to crack, she'll blame you. If she has problems with D14, she'll blame you. That's just the way it is.

In the past, has she talked about particular topics of resentment? Resentment seems to be a very common problem with WAW's. They carry this for a long time, sometimes years. Then it begins to affect their loving feelings. Sometimes the W starts to pull back sexually, and her H doesn't know why. It's b/c resentment has took a big toll on the attraction/desire for him. Resentment can show up in how she spoke to you (tone of voice, sarcastic, etc.). It is also a sign of losing respect.

Some women try to tell the H and he just doesn't get the message. By the time she no longer wants to share a M with him, she is done. She feels dead and empty....and blames him.

Needless to say, all those controlling behaviors you've shown must stop today. As soon as you accept that you have zero control over her, the better for you....and the better chance you'll have at a possible reconciliation. She is living a separated life from you, and does not have to give an account for what she does. Even if she was still under the same roof, you could not control her. Controlling actions are extremely damaging.

So, can you let go of this need to check on her, ask her questions about her personal life, drive by her house, etc.?

[errod]

Those comments about love in arguments haven't been in a couple of weeks. We really don't talk about that stuff anymore. We don't talk about much. I did tear up when she blind sided me by not wearing her ring to work on Monday but never let the situation turn into much.

To get stronger I have joined a gym that I go to for about an hour and a half in the morning. I am also trying to start my real estate business. As much as I wish I could it is not something you can just start up overnight and be busy with all the time.

She hand picked that person for me to tell. I don't know what she expected. She knows his strong family values.

Now today after work she came to pick up my daughter from me after work and she started looking all over my place in the fridge and cabinets. I don't know what that was all about.

[errod]

One day I will learn. I just guess it won't be tonight. So my W and I met at my D14 game tonight. Well the team is going to states so my wife comes in all hot about the coach not telling them about the travel arrangements and she is going to find the AD. I tried to explain to her how the process works and that the SSAC makes those travel arrangements not the school. Well she gets all short with me so I argued back. She then said to me why do I have an attitude tonight. This is where I messed up. I told her about a phone call I got from a good friend of mine right before leaving the house. There is an old friend of ours that we had that we both always said that we did not knowing our business because he is nothing but a trouble maker. Well the phone call I got was my friend calling to tell me the troublemaker was going around trying to find out our story. So I told my wife and she said how is it her fault. I said because we live in a small town and you had to take your wedding ring off the other day. She said well everything that is happening with the divorce and all is not her fault. I told her that is fine but I don't even want her back since she is really becoming such an insensitive liar. So for the entire game she kept her sleeve over her hand and we talked normal even a little flirtatious from that point on.

Now she is having cycle problems but she refuses to go to the Dr.s. She is having her cycle like every two months, but refuses to go the Dr.s for it. Her mom went through menopause in her early 30's. So it does have me concerned. Even though I am suppose to be detaching I did text her about a half hour ago just to make sure she isn't in as much pain from her cramps as she was at the game. She said she took medicine and a shower and was feeling better. I left the conversation at that.