Hi, Not sure where to start so I'll start from the beginning, tis could be a long story though.
In mid August 2014 at my sons birthday party met another parent, a single mother of a girl. Right from the outset we seemed to click and I spent most of the afternoon talking to that person, this started a friendship which I initiated.
My wife found out in late Sept about our friendship because of conversations she had seen on facebook between us.Asked what was going on, I said nothing, obviously alarm bells ringing for her, but I said we were just friends. Over the next few weeks my wife seemed to really put in an effort on me with affection, our sex life increased dramatically.But still my friendship continued with this other person.
My life at home was not brilliantly happy and my wife suggested going to joint counselling, we went to a session, explained how it was. Counsellor suggested cutting ties with my 'friend'.My wife said at the session she did not believe anything was going on but there was the possibility of it developing further.I misunderstood at the time the counsellors suggestion, thinking he meant cut ties over time...with hindsight maybe I didn't want to at that stage...
Went home things were all good, my wife went ot he shops that night, whilst out she saw a comment I had posted to OW on facebook, she came home and hit the roof, resulting in us having a massive row.
Things went downhill after that, arguments became frequent, and more bitter, becoming very nasty at times over the following weeks.Suppose I was at that stage looking to exit our relationship, so didn't care much.I pressed my wife a number of times on settlement regarding our house and a block of land we owned.She started loking at places to move to with the kids....
I said things which I'd never ever said before, cruel nasty things, aimed at hurting her, and I did Immensly.
At beginning of Nov the primary School my daughter goes to and one my son was due to start in Jan had there annual twilight fair, my wife suggested going there as a family, so I met them at the event after work. OW and her daughter turned up at the fair, her daughter saw my son and ran over and said hello, OW said hello to me, my wife was standing 20 ft away, OW didn't realise.My wife came and had a go at me and the OW even though I never planned on them being there as well.
Next day I retaliated, having a go at my wife, saying 'What was all that about yesterday?', needless to say another argument followed, I basically defended the OW against my wife. 10 days later my wife moved out to the town 25/30 mins away where our daughter goes to school and where we were building our dream house on our block of land. I'm now living on my own, going to work, speaking to wife periodically on the phone, seeing the OW to walk our dogs, chat etc...
Some 4 weeks later by mid Dec I had come to the realisation that I wanted to save my marriage, an that I had been an Idiot, and loved and missed my wife, missed and loved my children and that I wanted my marriage to work.
On Xmas day I told my wife I wanted to try and work things out, wanted to save our marriage and not throw away 11 years....she wasn't expecting this...
She said she would want me to go to counselling 1st, at least a couple of times on my own before she would consider joint counselling. So I booked in to see the original counsellor from back in early Oct, and went to see him.
Around Jan 7th after looking after the kids for a few days I had a meltdown, I went to see my Doctor as I felt I was losing it and falling apart, he referred me to see a psychologist, I was at that stage struggling with the kids, having anxiety attacks and generally felt I was losing the plot over everything that had happened over the last few months.
My wife had at that stage engaged a solicitor and they had been sending me letters over property etc and I had basically been ignoring them. She told me one day that the solicitors were going to phone me shortly and I needed to talk to them, which I did. After speaking to the solicitor I broke down and phoned my wife in tears, felt like this was the end of our relationship if we did this now and divided things up...pleaded can we leave this for a while.
She told me she had borrowed money to do this because this is what I had wanted and pushed her too, I said just get rid of them for a while, please, so we can concentrate on trying to repair us as a family. I gave her $2.5k a few days later which she had paid them, to go away and leave us for the time being.
Since then things had been really good between us, talking, texting each other, seeing/having kids. Then I was off work sick for a fortnight, so I helped out my wife etc wherever I could, driving to her town to take kids to school, picking them up etc....
We hadn't talked much about what had occurred between us, but she had said It would be a long time in her eyes before we could resume our relationship as trust Issues and things I had said had destroyed her. This I accepted, I wasn't bothered how long it took, I just wanted us back as a family.
In the meantime I had x2 marriage counselling sessions and then arranged a joint 1 (maybe too hasty) this was for the 6th Feb.
We both turn up separately for the counselling, I'm feeling pretty good, thinking this could be the beginning of a long slow road to us repairing our relationship and marriage together. Instead she drops the bombshell, cannot see us living together as a family under the same roof, I was absolutely devastated, thought things were staring to look up and Improve, things had been god between us. Says has this big wall up around her, cannot change how she feels, know I'm sorry and know I love her but that is how it is.
Later on I met her outside after school care as I had wanted to see my children, we chatted, I broke down in tears. Next day she invited me for tea for the following day (sunday)as I was going to be up there dropping off an IPAD for the kids. We had a nice dinner, left feeling happy and optimistic.
Three days later on the Wed after looking after my son for the day and picking daughter up from school I again had dinner at her house (11th Feb), whilst having dinner she comments 'you may not like this but was wondering, if your going to move up here instead of renting the house out, why don't we sell instead?' 'And do what?' Ive replied, and she has suggested a property settlement...this is 5 days after saying cant ever see us living together again....
I again get upset, we have discussions, she doesn't want to spend another summer in her rental, (she's been there 7 weeks) would like to be more settled, possibly have her own place for the kids.
A month ago I had suggested us slowly working towards a reconciliation - now it looks like she has made her mind up. I tell her, please can we just try one day at a time? Tell her how much I Love her and miss her. She Indicates she thought I had accepted what she had said last week at the counselling session. Now she seems to want to move on regardless on her own.
She went out when the chips were down, picked herself up, got a job, found a place for her and the kids, moved, started her job - back working full time again and remained strong.....
Don't know what else to put at the moment, although this is probably long enough as a post!! I do apologise, and look forward to hopefully hearing from other people on this site for wisdom and guidance.
Regards....
Me:43 Wife:43 T:10 Married:3 Son:5 Daughter:7 Separated mid Nov 14.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the DB board. I hope you'll post often and keep us updated on your progress. It will be important for you to read Divorce Remedy by MWD. Also, read the links that Cadet provided to give you much needed information.
I know things seem very discouraging and maybe confusing right now. Your M can be saved but it will take a lot of work on your end. Giving us a little more marital history will help us. How were you and W getting along when you met OW?
Number one absolute necessity is that you have cut all contact with OW. You were in an EA with her and you need to get over it. Have you told her no more contact?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I currently am reading 'Divorce Busting', I have just received in the mail as well 'The Divorce Remedy' and 'Change your life and everyone in it' is on its way to me also....
Me:43 Wife:43 T:10 Married:3 Son:5 Daughter:7 Separated mid Nov 14.
I cut all ties with the OW just before Xmas when I woke up to myself.
Our relationship??....
We have been together 11 years or would have been 11 years last month.
Overall our relationship has been pretty good, we've always liked each others company, had the same sense of humour and been on the same wave length if that makes sense.
Things have not always been easy as far as the children and family support around us, basically there isn't any. I don't have any family in Australia and hers are not close by, so it has always been just us two to help and support each other.
Her relationship with her mum and dad has been on/off pretty much since iv known her, they are very opinionated and outspoken, at time she will not have much to do with them for long periods.
Years ago in an argument with her they confessed that they 'never liked me', so even though they made up later on it was always in the back of my mind that they only tolerated me and didn't really want me in their lives.
What I had done for this I've never known, they are currently back seeing her periodically and helping her and seeing the grandkids, this has only been since Nov/Dec.
We split up 5 years ago for nearly 12 months, but I made changes, visited nearly every day, picked the kids up and was generally there for her, ended up having tea there a lot before going home for the night. Eventually we got back together, she moved home and we decided to get married. Would've been our 4 year anniversary next month on our birthday.
She has had depression on/off since I've known her and 5 years ago the Doctor confirmed I suffered from it as well, I'm still on medication daily, but believe it helps me and have no problem admitting it.
I have seen the marriage counsellor on my own since the joint session and am now seeing a psychologist to try and hopefully work out some of my Issues. I dn't care how long this takes, I don't like how I have become and how I treat people sometimes, I'm tired of it and want to change.
I'm nearly through reading 'DB' and have 'DR' to read afterward, 'Change your life and everyone in it' is on its way to me in the mail....
Bye for now, Take care everyone.
Me:43 Wife:43 T:10 Married:3 Son:5 Daughter:7 Separated mid Nov 14.
After we got married we sold her unit and put the money into our house, we eventually found a 1.5 acre block of land about 40 kms awy in another town we liked and decided over time to build there.So three years ago we bought that block.
About two years ago she changed from her comfortable Government job to one a lot closer which was with an animal pound, something she was passionate about.
She went there to try and make a change as there had been a lot of bad publicity about this place, her and the new CEO were new as were most of the board.
Over the next 18 months it was one drama after another with staff, unions, dealing with council etc.The amount of times she was working late at night or on the phone did at time annoy me, as I felt it should be our family time, and I did find it frustrating. But in saying that I always suppported her and her work because she beleived in what she was doing and I believed in her and what she was doing.
Eventually with all the lies being spread and hate pages in social media and her being unfairly accused of things she went off on stress leave.
She didnt want to but couldnt go on anymore, I was happier that she was out of this toxic enviroment.....
In the meantime I had been busy with the house plans, construction, etc (we were doing an owner build project)and at times I felt I was doing it on 'my own'.....
So I don't know what was going on in my mind when I met this other woman at my sons party, I am not for one minute giving excuses just trying to piece or rationalize what happened and try and come up with answers why, if that makes sense.
During the last 12-18 months, whilst all the bad stuff was going on with her work and our house build we were taking it in turns to commute to this town to drop our daughter off for school, as well as us both working, me fulltime and her 3-4 days a week.
With hindsight I think it was a pretty stressful time and although things were good between us something was not right? We were not arguing and did love each other though...
Me:43 Wife:43 T:10 Married:3 Son:5 Daughter:7 Separated mid Nov 14.
All you've done is write about your wife and downplay your role. What issues aside from the affair did you cause in the downfall of your marriage. What have you specifically changed about yourself?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
