Devotion To A Dream

[sandi2]

I don't know that much about the legal side of it, but you may need to check it out and see if leaving your home could be counted as "abandonment", since there are children involved.

she got upset and began crying and said divorce is so final. That she needs space and maybe in that space we could go to counseling. W said maybe she gets away and realizes how much she loves me, and though right now she doesn't see how we fix it but maybe she's wrong and maybe she gets some help too. This is all so confusing.

It's confusing b/c it's all BS! Phunguy, she is talking in WW code. She's saying she wants to continue with her same actions while living comfortably at home and you financially support her. She's not even committing to anything here. It's all about her! Do you see it? She is just dangling a little bait to keep you hanging on long enough to see if she's going to need you as her backup plan.

I think what you said to her was very good. However, I think she needs to get the message that it's not all about her, like she thinks it is. You can make decisions without her. That is what she needs to consider, that you may decide you can be happy without her.

She is playing the helpless damsel, when it suits her. She turns on the tears for special effects. It is nothing more than a stall. She is stalling for more time......but not to work on things, it's to see if her and OM will be plan A.

This is a critical time period. The more time you give her to stall about how she feels, the more she will jerk you around. If you agree to a separation, don't agree to an in-house S. I have never seen one lead to anything but more of the same cake eating behavior and then finally to a D. If you S, do it right and let her feel the full effects of her decisions.

[phunguy]

I do see it. Which is why it is confusing. Just this past Friday, I was almost at peace with serving her D papers. No way it would be in house S. No way. She needs to go experience that reality and the pain. Now, the possibility of S seems interesting to my broken heart, as it may relate to reconciling, but I have serious doubts about her honesty as it relates to any of this or her motives.

I'm thinking I file for S and get her out. Leaving the door open for a while and waiting to see what she may do to possible reconcile, go to counseling, etc. I have an appt tomorrow with my Counselor, maybe I can work some of this out with her tomorrow.

[Sotto]

It sounds as though S could be a good plan Phun....early days to be thinking about D - and in-house S's are hard - as many on this board will agree. Maybe give yourself more time to think about possible D. Things must still be pretty raw and it's useful to give some time for the A to play out too...It may take a good while (6-24+ months) but they don't generally last in the much longer term.

I think Sandi is spot on with her post. Your W is panicking now and don't be swayed by that. She is all into OM, but then she's telling you you're hot too? She's hoping you won't follow through and then things can be just as she had hoped - OM on the side and safe secure home with no financial worries. The sooner she has to put her BGPs on the better, and then her life starts to look a little less full of romance, and a bit more problematic...

You're doing really well my friend..

[phunguy]

Thanks Toots. I'll take your word for it. Because it certainly doesn't feel like a plan. She claims no contact with OM. Though I cannot be 100% so I'm taking it on faith and well they work together so god only knows...

I've been realizing that one of my issues is my type A personality. I fix, I plan, I problem solve all of these are good qualities except in this situation. They've helped me be successful in the business world. But not in my marriage. I've come to see that I have to get me out of the way. Sit back and let her drive for a while. Not be reactionary nor reach over and grab the wheel if she seems to be veering toward the trees. I need to be patient and let things unfold.


Daily inspiration:

Though seasons change and seeds may start
The beauty of a broken heart
Cannot be seen but in full view
The colors can come back to you

[phunguy]

So I spent the evening contemplating and filling out our state's S paperwork. First it was curiosity, then it became the second saddest thing I've ever read(first being the txt I found from OM). I am amazed at how straight forward and easy it is. Took all of an hour maybe, to complete. 20 years done in an hour. That's sad. I'm angry. I'm very angry about this. I don't like it one bit. But I don't see any other way for her to end this affair and to possibly get her into some kind of counseling. I know there is no way to go forward as long as he's in the picture.

Now what? That is the question...

Confront her with the decision? Or wait. Dammit I'm driving again!!!!!

[phunguy]

About to head into IC. My son has acted out at school in an amazingly horrible fashion, W has blamed everything on me. Telling me I ruined her son, our marriage, everything. It seems there isn't anything that isn't unravelling, so difficult. I told her I'm not the only one to blame, I didn't want to fight with her and she could try to shift all the blame she wants to me but she's far from innocent in all of this. The guilt is eating me up again and I thought I've dealt with it a few weeks ago. I've moved beyond this self loathing stuff but here I am again. Doubting myself, hating myself, questioning everything, wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. I was finally starting the to regain some confidence and have control over my emotions and I'm sucked right back into it. This emotional place is the pits. I cannot dwell in this chaos and misery. I have to keep moving forward some how, some way. I pray for guidance, peace, and wisdom sometimes minute by minute.

[phunguy]

Well it felt really good to talk about all this, to go back through a large portion of these last 5 weeks or so. I've really only had my P's, this board and a few people to talk to. She asked me an interesting question that I need to work through.

If one of my boundaries has always been cheating, why now would I be willing to entertain the idea of forgiveness when my trust has been broken?

I suppose that because it hurts and some how I see this as a way to stop that hurt. An escape from that pain. Further, that I want to avoid all that I think this future might hold, I suppose the shame I feel for being cheated on and my marriage ending in failure. That me admitting failure is not an acceptable outcome.

I figure that to get on with healing from this I have to accept this not as a failure but as an opportunity. An opportunity to figure out what this future might actually be for me and for my children. A positive, healthy, and exciting future full of good things and maybe someday a loving relationship.

[Joe46]

I agree with you phunguy. I feel you. I also pray constantly. I keep waiting for an answer. But nothing yet. I know it is coming. If I keep praying, God will answer. I also have started looking at my future. The one thing I am taking from this so far is that I may not have learned what I needed to change about myself had I not had to go through this. Kinda a crappy way to do it. I was very stubborn before. I would have rather had her sit down and say I am leaving you if you don't work on these things with me. I also am finding my boundaries like you. I am getting on with my life, if she wants to come along and see how good it can be than things need to change. If not then God has someone else in mind for me. But right now I am concentrating on my kids. I am new here and can't offer advice, but I am here to listen. We are close in age.

[phunguy]

Hi Joe406! If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always around, this is my outlet. I've not read your thread but I will. I'm also far from an expert but one thing I have learned so far is we are not alone. I don't have the answers but I too have ears.

Have faith my friend. He will answer us both in his time. In the mean time we have to do the work to make ourselves ready for the answer.

[phunguy]

So late last night she pops her head into my room and says can we talk, I say sure, she sits on the floor, I was laying in bed. She begins talking about our daughters B-day this weekend, again, asking what "we" want to do about a gift. I tell her I thought we had this discussion the other day. That she would do her own thing since she didn't feel comfortable being around my family. So there it is, the water works, it's getting sort of annoying at this point, does she think I'm going to feel sorry for her? I just stayed on the bed, stone faced. Let her work it all out, listened. Eventually she said she was done and was going to bed. It was weird. I don't understand what is going on with her at all.