I meant to say STFU is my best option at this point. Durn autocorrect.
Wonka - when someone tells me that they don't want to be at the tea/coffee because I guilted them into it - what should my response be? I thought I was doing the right things by not forcing anything. The last thing I want her to feel is that I am forcing her to talk or listen or anything against her will. Doesn't that make me look like a tyrant "YOU WILL SIT HERE AND TALK TO ME".
So I guess the real take away is to not have even met at all. The goal of the sit down was to try and improve our comunication skills and be better co parents - period. No R talk, no counseling talk, nothing but how to communicate better. She keps bringing up this time table issue - it's like she is kepin this cosmic score card.
Certainly she could see that for the first few months I was a basket case, could not go to work, lost a bunch of weight, etc... How could I meet with her to talk about how to be friends when she dropped the bomb on me. I think I said "This is not a good time for me right now, can we discuss it later?" It was pretty obvious that I punched in the guy and was down.
So, concur with TOTAL blackout and STFU with her? If she doesn't submit her W-2's to me, then I will just file married filing separately and let the chips fall where they may - correct?
Yes, I know that this is marathon but OMG what an emotional one. At the end of the day, I hope to be a happier and stronger person.
All of this can be accomplished through YOUR ACTIONS....just do it. You can influence things by showing her how to communicate. It has to start somewhere...might as well be the new and improved F. Right?
There's the old reliable standby: I'm here if you want to talk. It allows them the space to decide if they want to or not. A beauty, isn't it?
Yes, this is a very emotional and trying time for all LBSes here. Marathon....the worst of its kind.
I'd want to consult with your tax folks on how to file for taxes this year. I'd always go with the pros.
I look forward to hearing about your meeting with your new L.
Yeah - it's at 11. I just want to map out a strategy.
I did find out that as long as one files disclosures that's all the court really cares about. Mediation can take as long as you want it too. After 5 years, the courts will toss it and the process has to staft all over again.
I am not saying that one is the best solution, but good to know. One wants to make a solution based of logic and facts and not emotions.
So now, my WAW has called my cell phone, and my office phone. All are being ignored. She knows how to push my buttons and this time, I have learned to refuse to play that game.
Now my lawyer has postponed our meeting until tomorow. Oh boy, well I guess 1 day won't make an difference in the long run.
Wonka, Mozza or anyone - do you concur that I should be completely dark and not answer any of WAW's calls or texts? She has not left any message so it's not about any kid related issue. I am having to sit on my hands not to pick up the phone or reply.
She wants to know if I am "OK" after her email dumping me again last night, and our coffee/tea to discuss communication which was a flop.
For now, I would stay dark. What W did in her flaming email to you yesterday was not a-okay. Yes, only answer those that are kid related. You two need to cool off after the intense talks yesterday.
OK - if I don't talk to her/ text/ phone - how will she know that I am here for her - for when/if she is eve ready to talk.
I guess that is a given, I am here, she knows how to reach me. DB just feels so counter intuitive sometimes, pull back when you want to move forward, say nothing when you really want to say, realizing that patience is the key, small baby steps instead of the desire to sprint.
She knows that I am not responding so it feels like a game of cat and mouse. I will be patient and work the plan if it kills me which it damn well might. :-)
I do respect the opinions of the vets here and don't want to sem ungrateful but this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Really.
Were you following HPoirot back in his heydays? His phone would ring non stop even after he told his wife he wouldn't take calls for anything but emergencies regarding their son. He got some very good advice on how to handle it. One thing he did was to respond only by text and almost never pick up. Also, he would ask "What is it?" by text. Go have a look.
Also, I recommend that instead of asking these forums what to do, you lay out what you plan to do and wait for feedback. This way, you'll make more progress in integrating the method in your being.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes, yes to both of you - thank you for responding - much appreciated.
I only wish you "knew" me pre DB ing days. I was confident, on top of the world, and was a totally different person. Now, I am trying to get back to that person. It was still me, but with knowing I had the support and love from my WAW, and how I knew my kids were at our home, I felt so much stronger. We even joked about it and how much better we both felt when we "connected". That feeling would last for days.
I have to remind myself that is how my WAW is feeling with her AP and tha gives me some insight into her mind set. Being in love is a powerful emotion. I get it. I think most DB's get it. It's just that now we've lost it and are desperate to reconnect.
To get back to the old me, that is the real essence, I am trying to find it slowly it is coming back to me, by playing music, by working out, by reconnecting with old friends. I am still there, I was just buried by so much of life (work and kids and wife and school, etc...)
A slow work in progress, I am learning not to take the bait when my WAW puts it in front of me. I swear she likes for us to argue and fight. Todya's email was prefaced with the comment:
"So we aren't talking now, right? Back to that? Just want to figure out where I stand now."
Just yesterday, you may remember she gave me an earful about how I "guilted her into meeting with her, talking with her, hounding her, or just bugging her in general". She was very very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, leave her alone, our marriage is over, she feels bad whenver she is around me, she never wants to come back to "us". She actually ran away from me at our coffee chat.
She seems to get a charge out of pushing my buttons and that leaves me confused. Why would she want to do that? So that leaves me of balance in her presence. I'm not sure how to act or what to say becuase it always seems to come off "wrong".
So, take the focus off her - put it on me and my kids, enjoy each day as it unfolds and regard each day as a miracle that it is. I am alive, my kids are healthy, they love me, and I love them, I have a great job and will make it past this - either with or without my WAW.
I swear I never knew that marriage could be this complicated. or troubled. Ours never was until of course just recently. I understand that gift of time and how I should use it for my benefit. I don't let my WAW bully me or push me around. I don't compromise my values and I am working hard on not judging. Who wants to be judged for their decisions? No one and I am afraid I did a lot of that which has stopped.
Is my WAW worth all of this work and self reflection and GALing and PMA and all of the things I am doing FOR ME to make me a better person. Yes, she is. But that is her decision to make. Regardless, I will move forward.
